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Hey, everybody! I want to begin this post by paying collective homage to everyone who was kind enough to put some money in my tip jar while I was away, and for Uncle Lumpy and his cast of dozens of rotating banners for urging you to do so. Everyone who contributed will be getting a personal thank-you from me sometime in the next week, but I do want to collectively say thanks now before you all. I also want to thank Uncle Lumpy for just plain being an awesome pinch-hitter, and for making me laugh on multiple occasions when I checked in from my Undisclosed Location.

Anyway, before I get to the CsOTW, I need to approach one strip that I didn’t discuss today, but which held a very special resonance for me.

Luann, 9/6/08

Soooo … remember a ways back when I mentioned that I had been nominated for the Hot Blogger Calendar? Well, thanks the gratuitous ballot-stuffing on your parts that followed, part of my week off involved a bus trip to New York to get my picture taken. I shall say no more now, except to note that I was a lot more into the experience than poor Brad. More information as I get it, but: brace yourselves.

And you know who else was an official Hot Blogger? None other than Sally Forth scribe/Medium Large creator/all-explaining blogger Francesco Marciuliano!

This pic of the two of us was taken the night before the photo shoot. You can barely tell, but those are firemen on the fire escape on the building behind us, peeling big chunks of vinyl siding off of the building that my head is mostly blocking, because it was on fire … as a result of our hotness? Probably!

Anyway, take a moment to calm down and enjoy the comment of the week!

“The Funky-doesn’t-lose-weight plot is one of the most boring things I’ve ever witnessed, and I read Spider-Man.” –Tweeks_Coffee

And the runners up!

“Only a plugger would spend three and a half hours repairing a $9 toaster? I’m no economist, but if he managed to scrape $9 worth of Pop Tart icing from the inside it was probably worth it.” –gh

“Wait a minute! Alan used to be alive?” –Muffaroo-who-brunches

“My name is Margo Magee. You called me ‘li’l lady.’ Prepare to die.” –blueberrygrrrl

“When it came time to break the heartbreaking news to my wife, I tried this: Me – ‘There were some fraudulent charges on one of our credit cards. The bank wiped the charges and will issue us a new card.’ My wife – ‘OK.’ Hopefully this tip will help Toby with her terrible ordeal.” –Worthinator

“Maria! Jameson! For the love of God, DON’T REPRODUCE!!” –Mibbitmaker

“I’m on tenterhooks with Mark Trail. Hopefully the titular hero will show up, punch out blondie, and rescue the poor alligator.” –Bribaby

“And the lesson of the day is ‘There is a right place and a wrong place for heels.’ Take it to heart while Mr. Alligator does his part for our gene pool.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I’m thrilled that Toby deals with her fear of Ian being angry because she hid her credit card problem by hiding her credit card problem.” –Lithros

“Jeeze, look at Ian stomping his paunchy ass away there. He looks like Marlon Brando chasing a wheelbarrow full of Big Macs.” –jake!

“‘But the inch-long youngsters, once they hatch, have no family loyalty.’ Hey, Jack Elrod’s kids! Would it kill ya to call your old man once in a while?” –gleeb

“Pardon My Planet = Pluggers for Hipsters.” –Beatrice

“…the best thing about this strip is the Crimestopper’s Textbook panel, in which some weepy stocky kid has found where the sidewalk ends.” –commodorejohn

And let’s give it up for our advertisers, who are the very hottest.

• The Truth is Finally Revealed!!! From his bloody campaigns and his great friendships to his erotic affairs, Aias was admired by Alexander the Great as his mentor, true friend, and military hero. Even the women of Greece passionately adored him, but he was mysteriously removed from Alexander’s journal. Why?
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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So, longer, more effusive thanks, plus more info on the phrase “Hot Blogger” and what it means for you, when I do the COTW post tonight, but: a huge THANKS! for Uncle Lumpy’s turn as guest blogger, and an even HUGER THANKS for everyone who gave money to the fund drive. Aw, you guys! You’re the best! Blush, etc.

Anyway, on to Monday’s comics!

Archie, 10/6/08

The AJGLU 3000 may not know much, but it knows this: a couple of old people talking about raising the prices of nitrate-laden cafeteria food isn’t enough to sustain a strip. It also knows that depictions of pretty teenage girls move product. Unfortunately, its grasp of “pretty” is fairly loose, as panel two indicates. Yes, my vacuum-tube-driven friend, large breasts are generally considered attractive on human females, but not when they only emphasize how freakishly tiny the skull of such female is. And even if one has a tiny pinhead perched at the end one’s neck, generally a true nose, rather than some barely visible lump just north of the upper lip, is an important element on a face. Sadly, what we have here is less “easy on the eyes” and more “candidate for the freak show.”

On the other hand, she has distracted me from the terrible punchline.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 10/6/8

White rural voters are apparently up for grabs in swing states like Virginia and Missouri this year, so here’s a bit of advice for Barack Obama and John McCain: when campaigning in the Blue Ridge Mountains, promise that the perpetrators of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith will be jailed and tried for crimes against humanity. Today’s strip encapsulates a number of this feature’s common tropes about the noble hillbilly — that he is mooch who will ask random strangers for money; that he’s so dumb that he doesn’t immediately recognize someone who’s new in town, despite “town” having a population of roughly 150; that he wears patched shirts and hideous overalls; that he considers “Mistofer” some kind of acceptable form of address — all of which amount to nothing more than slanderous hate speech.

Curtis, 10/6/08

Nothing would have made me happier than if Michelle had on carried her usual contemptuous conversation with Curtis with her clothing going completely unremarked upon. I must admit to being both amused and unsettled by the final panel, though, in which we learn that she’s not wearing a fencing outfit, but a “fencing” outfit.

Momma, 10/6/08

I tried really hard to figure how, or why, this might be about Hillary Clinton and/or Sarah Palin, but then I decided, why bother? Just enjoy a Momma that consists of one dotty old lady saying something inscrutable to another, and not, say, Oedipal horror.

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Mary Worth, 10/5/08

If I had to Scotch^® tape an episode of Mary Worth to the side of Voyager XLIV or whatever the hell number they’re up to now, it would be this classic: blue-and-yellow drama lighting, hand-jivin’ histrionics, a “happier times” bedstand photo and the lonely, lonely park bench Toby fears will be her future home. Added bonus: no Mary! Why inflict her on the stars, and risk their terrible retribution?

Ian’s fury, of course, is less about trust than the unconscionable $1.09 charge from Pretty Purposes. It’s tempting to suspect Toby’s dream of duplicity equal to Ian’s — a message from her subconscious to get out now! But since Toby never listens to her conscious, what chance could its downstairs neighbor have?

Panel from Judge Parker, 10/5/08

Ha ha ha! Wait, we missed that?

Panel from Pardon My Planet, 10/5/08

You know, you two never smile any more, and your looks are starting to go. It’s pretty obvious blow has taken over your lives, and it’s time for an intervention. I know a lady.

Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/08

I think we’re in for a week of “Everybody Loves the Dead Chick.”

Here’s an exercise: We’ve had phishing in Mary Worth, hospice care in Rex Morgan, M.D., illiteracy in Crankshaft, pet adoption in Mutts, and of course — interminably — “Cancer is Bad” in Funky Winkerbean. I’m sure I’ve forgotten scores of others, but what new Public Service Announcement opportunities are out there for a comic strip that wants to Make a Difference rather than Entertain its Readers? Shoe cautions us about the dangers of H5N1* Bird Flu? Sherman’s Lagoon demonstrates best practices for water safety? Get Fuzzy portrays Bucky’s valiant struggle with rabies?

* Corrected from HN51 — thank you faithful reader Victor, and damn you, Google — damn you straight to hell!

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/5/08

But why go out on such a sour note? Look! It’s a skink!

Josh will be back tomorrow with COTW — and maybe tales of his Hot Blogger calendar photo shoot in NYC?

Thanks everybody for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy