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Apartment 3-G, 11/19/08

So, that killjoy Lu Ann has finally left town, and we all know what that means — BOOZE PARTY IN APARTMENT 3-G, WOO-HOO! Even though it probably won’t end with drunken makeouts, it will still be the greatest: Margo will go on at length about all the men she’s ever slept with and all the men she’s ever killed (the two lists have significant overlap), Ruby will giggle girlishly and tell increasingly humiliating stories about how stupid Lu Ann was as a little girl, and Tommie will sit on the couch staring blankly ahead with her collar buttoned up to the very top button.

Mary Worth, 11/19/08

Oh my God, Mary and Lynn’s hands are about to touch in panel one. Hot … HOTT. Unfortunately, something happened in panel two that worried Mary. We know it must be something serious, because Mary’s far too unflappable to be startled by a little bold font, but I’m at a loss to say what it might be. Is Lynn spontaneously urinating with grief all over the bed? I guess I’ll be forced to tune in tomorrow to find out! And then back to the hand touching.

Mark Trail, 11/19/08

Oh, Rabbit! With each panel in today’s strip, your sneer gets more twisted with hate for everyone — hate for Mark Trail and his lucky punches, hate for your long-suffering wife who always complains about you spending all your time chaining raccoons to logs, hate for this fancy businessman who just thinks he can buy and sell you, which is all the more galling because he can — and yet you work your way further into my heart. I won’t be sorry when your blue baseball cap goes flying through the air again, three to six weeks from now, but I’ll still feel a little bad about your failed search for a place in a world you never made.

By the way, if Charlie gave me an offer like the one he’s giving Rabbit here, this is how I’d go about things:

1. Take the $2,500.
2. Give Mark $2,000 to leave town.
3. Get the other $2,500.
4. Use $3,000 to hire a production company to pitch “Dog vs. Raccoon” to the Discovery Channel, Versus, or ESPN 3.

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Crock, 11/18/08

You know, I’ve become accustomed to being unamused, irritated, or actively angered at the jokes in Crock; but I’m a little unsettled at being completely befuddled by the jokes in Crock, as I am today. Passing over the oddity of someone insulting an immobile desert plant for spending all day in the sun, what on earth are we to make of the cactus’s riposte? Is it meant to mock us for driving, as if the only way to get out of the sun is to drive to shade? Is “sitting all day at four bucks a gallon” a reference to all the time we sit in our cars, which is a choice we make, whereas a cactus must spend the day in the sun due to biological necessity? Is there a heretofore unexplored traffic problem around the Foreign Legion outposts in the Maghrebi desert?

Anyway, normally I’d see something like a giant orange cactus and think “Ha ha, another colorist screw-up!” But in this case, I think it might be an attempt to distract the reader from the nonsensical punchline.

Mark Trail, 11/18/08

Oh my God, if you work at a newspaper, and/or have access to newspaper layout software, and you can create a fake newspaper front page like the one in panel one — with FAMOUS CONSERVATIONIST RESCUES RACCOON screaming across six columns of type, and an enormous picture of Mark and Sneaky, and what appears to be some kind of sidebar story in the rightmost column (“Mysterious ‘Rabbit’ Unrepentant, Soggy”) — then you will be my personal hero. Well, one of my personal heroes, anyway, because right now my personal hero is Jack Elrod, for not letting this story end with a single punch but rather setting up further punching opportunities by having our two villains join forces. I’m particularly in love with the image of Charlie cruising around the rough part of town (or the local gas station, whatever) looking for a raccoonnapping yokel with a chip on his shoulder and a bruise on his jaw.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/18/08

The next two to four weeks of Funky Winkerbean, in a nutshell: HOLY CRAP GIRLS PLAY SPORTS NOW smirking, foreboding

Crankshaft, 11/18/08

The next two to four weeks of Crankshaft, in a nutshell: HOLY CRAP GIRLS DRIVE BUSES NOW smirking, terrible puns

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Comments of the week shortly, but first, a few items!

Let’s begin with yesterday’s One Big Happy, a strip that I still read in the newspaper, the old-fashioned way. My newspaper cuts off the throwaway panels at the top of the Sunday strip, so I didn’t see this:

Ruthie’s grandpa is in fact enjoying Scratch Golfer, the fine comic novel written by faithful Comics Curmudgeon reader and frequent commentor willethompson! It is available for purchase for your enjoyment, and makes a good gift for a golf-loving family member.

Also! I Found All Six, the blog by faithful reader Gold-Digging Nanny that focuses on the six differences puzzles in Slylock Fox, has taken time out to explain the difference between Lu Ann’s cousin Blaze and South Dakota heartthrob Cody Stiles.

Also also! I meant last week to link to a fine project from faithful reader LunarHalo, Riverdale Sonnets, which combines the most demandingly structured of the poetic forms with … Archie, for some reason.

And now, at long, last, it’s your COMMENT OF THE WEEK:

“My thinking is that either Frank will be choked to death by Lynn with the ‘designer scarf’ or Lynn will become paralyzed in a tragic auto-asphyxiation mishap with said scarf. Either way, that scarf is up to no good.” –Dingo

And your runners-up — so many to choose from!

“Mark Trail has his punchin’ face on! Note the engorged eyebrows — a sure sign of impending fisticuffs.” –buckyswife

“You know, despite the painful, wooden awkwardness that defines this strip, Mark is really the best heroic vigilante in the comics. Why? Because his banter is nothing less than awesome. Today’s cross-panel ‘I think I’ll go make a wager … and I’m betting that this Rabbit fellow is going to lose’ is better than anything Spider-man has ever said and even competes with the snark provided by my personal hero, the narration box in the Phantom.” –Journeyman Softheart

“Man, I can’t even imagine that kind of lifts they had to put in Ice-Dad’s shoes to make him appear taller than the 6′ 8” Mary Worth. It’s for naught, though, as Mary’s sense of moral superiority towers over all.” –Tats

“I wonder why Dolly’s soup was cold in the first place. Was Thel so lazy that she just dumped a can of soup straight into the bowl, and it was only Grandma’s pity for the little melon-head that prevented Dolly from having to eat a cold, can-shaped, gelatinous glop?” –Perky Bird

“What is with the freakish kids in the serial strips? Don’t even get me started on the Sneaky-ownin’ kid with the blonde flip ’do in Mark Trail. Her forehead is so big you could show movies on it.” –Bootsy

“I think what Mary is trying to say is ‘You can buy my love, Frank … all it will cost is your soul.'” –Eldaglass

“I for one am confused by such exotic accessories and appreciate that they went that extra mile to illustrate the — how do you say? — scarf. Of course, if they had really cared, they would have written the word SCARF underneath it with an arrow. Then all I would need is someone loudly and slowly over-enunciating as they read the strip to me.” –Mel

“Does it LOOK like I’m kidding? No, seriously, does it? Because I don’t know how to change my facial expression to reflect my emotions!” –Joe Blevins

“If someone ran up to me saying ‘That’s a PET raccoon and I am taking it home!’ about the only response that would make any sense is ‘You’ve got to be kidding.’ Although, ‘Get the hell away from me, you rabies-infected freak!’ would be a close second.” –DaveyK

“Wow, Mark must be particularly riled up this time. At least four hairs have broken free of whatever that blue-black matrix is that holds the rest of his ’do together.” –Joe Btfsplk

“No wonder ladies swoon over Mark Trail. If he would face a gang of drunken bloodthirsty rednecks to rescue a rabid raccoon he would have no problems spending the holidays with her family.” –IronMouse

“Is he named Rabbit because of his sex drive? Could you imagine Mark taking him home instead of hitting him and having a three way with Cherry? You can now.” –Anonymous

“Judging by the big smile on Peter Parker’s sleeping face, I’m betting he got himself some good Spidey lovin’ before going to sleep. Either that or Jay Leno’s monologue was particularly funny tonight. Both things have the same effect on him.” –Perky Bird

“I would be a little worried if in my doctor’s examination room I set eyes on a bag of french fries, a waffle, and a plate of grits. The rural health care system must indeed be stressed if doctors have to see patients while they’re having breakfast.” –Mr. O’Malley

“I think it’s great that Lu Ann’s hometown is populated by the cast of the musical Oklahoma!” –Johnny Bacardi

RMMD: “I have to laugh when Sarah coos, ‘Maybe I should do the talking.’ Otherwise I’ll be overcome with terror. This! Is! No! Child! Never before has she looked so much like a four-foot woman in white lipstick.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Mary has insinuated herself into Lynn’s bed in record time. What happens next will be fodder for many a nocturnal emission, no doubt.” –Tom the Pirate

“I like the throwaway panels in Beetle Bailey. We all know that Cookie’s ‘classic’ cake is simply vanilla and baking flower mixed with enough arsenic to kill the entire U.S. Air Force.” –Erik

“Is there anything I can do to help? Like, for instance, may I disturb your probably set and comfortable pre-skate practice routine and make you think about other things, which in turn might possibly distract you which will lead you to lose the competition and send your father, who’s living vicariously through your success, spiraling into an alcoholic depression from which he, and you, will never recover? Or get you a glass of milk?” –Smokehouse

“I don’t know which will be the cause of more nightmares — Mary’s eyes, or Mary’s outfit. Rest assured, though, that she constitutes 99% of my nightmares. Mary, Mary, Mary, all night long. ALL NIGHT LONG. Rest assured, because I cannot.” –Lithros

“Today’s test question: Mark Trail is in the backwoods breaking up a raccoon/dog fight, surrounded by a bunch of slack-jawed yokels. What is conspicuously absent from this scene? (a) A photographer/reporter from a well respected regional newspaper whose ‘scoop’ is going to land on page one; (b) Firearms, or any weapons for that matter (unless you consider ‘the right fist o’ justice’ a weapon); (c) The line ‘let me hear you squeal like a pig’; (d) An endless series of rabies and tetanus shots; (e) A plot line that would make even the greenest tree-hugging card-carrying animal rights advocate utter ‘Seriously?’ when it plays out.” –blammers66

“Mary’s really full of advice for a woman who stole her sweater from Bill Cosby, circa 1985.” –Patrick

“To: Cathy
From: Humanity
RE: Phrases we never wish to read in a Cathy strip
‘Urinary Tract Health.’
Thank you.” –AmazingThor

“Complaining about how fast 9 Chickweed Lane moves is grounds for sentencing you to three months of reading Judge Parker, during which the following will happen: (1) Sam will get in his car. (2) There is no #2.” –Cranky

“Jamaal becoming a plugger could tell us that America is entering into a new era of post-racial consciousness. Or that cartoonists are trading the same five jokes back and forth. Whichever’s more likely.” –Beatrice

Also of note is a comment by Mooncattie from earlier today that’s too long to reproduce here, but is essential reading if you want to hear the vaguely Faulkerian take of how Lu Ann Powers sort of lost her virginity in the back of a pickup truck.

Anyway, thanks go out to everyone put some change in my tip jar before heading out to the big bad city! And our advertisers will never forget their country roots:

• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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