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Judge Parker, 6/22/2008

Well, speak of the devil and he appears! The distinguished-looking gentleman in panels two and five is the Honorable Alan Parker, Judge of the mumble mumble Court of mumble mumble in Parkerville, ST. He’s in the (endless) process of retiring, and when we last saw him — on November 28, 2006 — he was helping his son, Randy “Work it like a claw” Parker, campaign for his seat on the bench.

As early as the 1960’s, the Judge had grown too respectable to be involved in any kind of action — rough-and-tumble P.I. Sam Driver took care of that end of the business. Now similarly neutered, Sam patronizes his secretary, ignores the advances of beautiful women, and passes the action torch to Steve Shannon.

This happens all the time in serial strips:

Why do authors build strong characters over years, only to turn them to plaster saints? Thank heaven Dick Tracy still keeps his hand in the game.

Flash Gordon 6/22/2008

Zonino! Who knew this was still being published? And with a special guest appearance by King Features superstar Mary Worth in the first two panels!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 6/21/2008

Aw, we’ve been unfair to poor Tommie, portraying her as the wallflower of the A3-G pack just because — well, because she’s so gawdawful boring. The facts give us the lie: Tommie has been getting more “action” than LuAnn and Margo combined! Behold:

Apartment 3-G, 9/11/2006, 2/3/2007, 12/4/2007

In the short span of two years, Tommie’s been kissed four times, by three different guys. You parents may want to keep your kids away from the funnies until they’re a bit older. The kids, I mean.

Crankshaft, 6/20/2008, 6/21/2008

And while we’re making amends, how about a kind word for Ed Crankshaft? I mean, sure, he’s squandered two weeks of our goodwill and attention on joke-shaped utterances that would shame the AGLU-2000, and yes, I mean before the upgrade. But c’mon — look how easily Warylook McSeatpartner there manipulates him into shutting the hell up: trade seats, buy him a Pabst®, rattle on about fictitious grandchildren, and watch the old coot tune out and drift off.

That smile in the last panel is the real heartbreaker — Ed’s not really a mean guy, he’s just trying to cover up his incomprehension of and insecurity with anything beyond the familiar routines of his many years. So let us speak no more of “Ed Crankshaft — asshole” and find a warm place in our hearts for “Ed Crankshaft — pathetic asshole.”

Mark Trail, 6/21/2008

Oh, where to begin? Well, “Moss Green”, for starters — Elrod’s apparently started cribbing names from the Dick Tracy archives. Then there’s the postmodern twist that it’s Kelly Welly’s vaunted “unpredictability” that utterly preordains every single panel we’ll see in the next month. But my favorite is Cherry cinching up that diamond hitch all by her ownself. That’s a tough knot for two people to get right, so when Cherry goes all “Help me, Mark!” in the rainy woods some night a month from now, I for one will not be buying it.

— Uncle Lumpy

PS Luann — Hey TJ — Help is on the way! Four days until The Kiss!

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New directions for old favorites, just in time for the weekend!

Apartment 3-G, 6/20/2008

Hey, Tommie’s back! And it’s clear Gary’s ardor hasn’t cooled — soon, he’ll whisper that if the hospital doesn’t upgrade the intrusion detection software on the Pharmacy network leg to current specs — and fast — there’s no way they’ll demonstrate HIPAA compliance before the first-round JCAHO review. Tommie will just lower her eyes and coo that the time may have come to negotiate with an outside service provider for penetration-testing services.

Then comes the howling.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/20/2008

Hey, Les is on the fast track: just learned where the glassware goes, now he’s running the Manhattan operation. At least he knows the neighborhood — last visit, he spread his wife’s ashes in Central Park, got mugged, and squandered his precious honeymoon memento calling Funky to come bail him out. Now he — and we! — can relive the magic.

Back home, Summer will spend her copious lesiure time ginning up fresh tragedy, as required by her genetic inheritance, her contract, and the strip’s mission statement. Her Dad, of all people, should know there are no “comfort zones” in Funky Winkerbean.

Luann, 6/20/2008

Hey! Brad’s on the job! He’s gonna rescue TJ! Five days ’til The Kiss!

— Uncle Lumpy!