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Marmaduke, 5/23/08

Laughing at Momma was bad enough, but when I laughed at today’s Marmaduke, I knew that I should see a doctor. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I don’t really care for coffee, but would love a piping hot cup of gravy; or maybe it’s the fact that Marmaduke and his female owner look so chipper, while the bipedal man of the house looks like he spent the previous evening unconscious in a gutter after being viciously beaten.

Dennis the Menace, 5/23/08

If Joey and Dennis turn to cannibalism, it could make up for many, many years of non-menacing, I tell you what.

For Better Or Worse, 5/23/08

“Isn’t it nice to see guys express their physical love for one another, so they won’t bother us with their disgusting urges?”

Pluggers, 5/23/08

Hey, pluggers! If you spent a little time thinking about your appearance, maybe someone might want to have sex with you! Just a suggestion.

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Archie, 5/22/08

Oh, Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000! You’ve been doing so well for a while, almost convincing me that you were a biological life form of some sort, until I encountered today’s panel two, in which you demonstrate that you understand neither bipedal locomotion nor three-dimensional space. Don’t let your vacuum tubes overheat in despair, though: if you ever do a strip where Archie is doing some kind of ridiculous vaudeville-style dance, you’re all set.

(Hey, kids, cheer up the AJGLU 3000 by buying a shirt with its picture on it!)

Mark Trail, 5/22/08

Ah, first comes the kicking, and now comes the screaming, or at least the shouting, and of course the punching as well. Mark and Ponytailed Dognapper Guy spend panels two and three delighting us with a veritable ballet of pugilism, with Mark nimbly dodging his antagonist’s punch and then sending the ne’er-do-well artfully flying with a right cross of his own. But still, it’s panel one that really sets the mood here. Look at that big, easy grin on Mark’s face. Is there anything in this world he likes better than punching people in the jaw? He doesn’t really seem to enjoy spending time with his family, so I’m going to say no.

Mary Worth, 5/22/08

If Mary Worth is going to be the apex of some kind of doughy, pasty, late-middle-aged love triangle, I will rescind every mean thing I said about the boring and interminable flashback storyline. Yesterday Jeff was acting all big about Mary’s emotional mission of mercy with some other man, but that was before he found out she was canceling on him for the Bum Boat. You do not break a date with Jeff Corey when the Bum Boat is involved. Drag him back from Vietnam, humiliate his son, whatever, but the Bum Boat is the line that you do not cross.

Hi and Lois, 5/22/08

Get ready for a very special storyline, “Ditto gets rabies,” in next week’s Hi and Lois.

Pluggers, 5/22/08

The advantage of marrying a plugger is that you can be pretty sure that nobody else will try to have sex with your spouse. The downside is that you probably won’t want to either.

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Mark Trail, 5/21/08

Why do we tolerate Mark Trail’s inane dialog and nonsensical plots? For the brief and hilarious outbreaks of violence, of course, and today’s is a doozy. Mark kicking in the petnappers’ door so hard that it bends while apologizing (to the door, apparently) for his entrance not being as dramatic as he intended could be the greatest combination of vigilantism and almost-but-not-quite-idiomatic English since “You won’t be releasing any more birds!” Tomorrow we should could get some important questions answered, such as: Will Mark punch a woman? And are his fists powerful enough to separate a man from his ponytail?

Today’s action is made especially hilarious by Mark’s reedy, pipe-cleaner like legs and tiny feet. It appears that the terrible limb-wasting disease that has already ravaged Rusty is beginning to spread throughout the Trails’ Lost Forest compound.

Ziggy, 5/21/08

Oh, yes, ha ha, it was all very funny when Ziggy got e-mail from his toilet, but today we see that this was only part of a larger crisis in the Ziggyverse. Apparently our hapless gnome-like protagonist is beginning to notice the computerized functionality that lies behind all the seemingly ordinary aspects of his world — and it’s all beginning to go awry. This can only mean one thing: The Matrix has finally come to the top of the Netflix queue over at Ziggy central.

Also, if anyone can tell me why the normally pantsless Ziggy has decided that going to beach would be a good occasion for covering up his nether bits, I’d love to hear it. But if you have a theory as to where his nipples went, you can just keep it yourself.

Judge Parker, 5/21/08

So, Legless Steve spent weeks brooding about possible terrorist threats to his life, only to see them neutralized in about thirty seconds by his feisty, miniskirted legal secretary. Meanwhile, Abbey spent longer than it even bears thinking about harboring suspicions about her neighbors, even engaging in some cut-rate derring-do to spy on them, only to have them found out and apprehended off-screen, by someone else. Judge Parker seems determined to challenge Spider-Man in the Least Satisfying Dramatic Tension Resolution Olympics.

For Better Or For Worse, 5/21/08

No, “incited” isn’t an adorable malapropism. There’s an angry, torch-wielding mob just off-panel. You’re lucky you can’t read, Merrie; it sure wouldn’t be “just another book” to you then.

Beetle Bailey, 5/21/08

Oh, General Halftrack! Your tales of your emotionally crushing marriage are amusing and all, but you and I both know that you’re just hung over. Or possibly still drunk.