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Luann, 12/19/07

Check out Toni’s right hand. Anything weird about it? A little off? No? How about the fact that it appears to be almost two-thirds as long as the whole rest of her arm? I know she’s a cartoon character with, for instance, weird beady little eyes and an impossibly large mouth, but there’s something about her hand that’s creeping me out. Urrrgggh.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I really hope Brad and Toni are overcome by the festiveness of their costumes and end up playing “bad Santa and naughty elf.” Not because I want to see or even imagine their erotic congress, mind you, but I just want it over with. Please. The sexual tension between these two is not hot. It’s soooo very un-hot and queasy-making, and the inhumanly large hand ISN’T HELPING. Just do it already, you two, because it will be terrible and awkward and you’ll never do it again and then we can all rest easy.

Spider-Man, 12/19/07

The sad thing is that the six weeks of Google searches to which we’re about be treated are actually preferable to the alternative, which is of course six weeks of Peter Parker whining at the TV. At least Spider-Man will actually be doing something, even if it’s just typing. I love the way the flat-screen monitor is dramatically foregrounded in the final panel, as if to say, “Here, dear reader! Here is the true hero of this strip! Behold, the Internet!”

Slylock Fox, 12/19/07

Remember, everyone, you don’t need to spend big money on tickets to Stomp! You can just recreate it in your own home! Also, children as young as eighteen months can be trained to make margaritas.

They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/19/07

I have a note in my calendar that today’s TDIET is from faithful reader Tili; if so, stand up and take a bow! I am in full solidarity with you, my night owl brother or sister. The Man tells you that you should get up early and go to bed early, but without late night toiling where would we be? This blog would be short quite a few posts, I’ll tell you that much.

Marmaduke, 12/19/07

Do you ever get the feeling that the creator of Marmaduke is just totally bonkers? Well, today’s comic is not going to disabuse you of that notion.

Hey, remember when I speculated on a Sally Forth-Shortpacked crossover? Behold my power over the world of cartooning!

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For Better Or For Worse and They’ll Do It Every Time, 12/18/07

Just to show how deeply the FOOB hooks have sunk into all of our hearts, I’d like to confess that, like several commentors, I was doing the math in my head yesterday when April said that there’d be 14 guests at the Christmas Patterbash. Who would the extra two be? Today we learn that they’ll be Deanna’s parents, which I am quite frankly very pleased about. Deanna’s mother may be awful and hateful, but there will be nobody for that hate to be focused on except her in-laws, and that can only be a good thing. Her constant harping and barely passive aggression should up the chance of someone getting punched in the face, and I’m going to need to hold on to that possibility if I’m going to make it through this.

Deanna may be pleased now about how much help she’ll be getting from her guests in the food prep department, but today’s TDIET holds a clue to her inevitable post-party future. The glassy-eyed Deanna-bot will no doubt be grimly polishing the dishes long into the evening, as Mike teaches the kids how to break things, or, more likely, hides in his attic office, staring at the computer screen and indulging in an inner monologue in which self-doubt provides a thin veneer for self-aggrandizing.

(Bonus Scadutoism: “Reunionite.”)

Apartment 3-G, 12/18/07

Directions Eric could be going with this:

• “Look, Margo, it’s been fun having sex with you and all, but this is pretty much where I start making excuses for not seeing you.”
• “It’s just that … having seen the horror of my parents’ marriage … I just don’t know if I can ever truly … commit myself …” (Note: May be cover story for previous bullet point.)
• “Oh, you’re from a dysfunctional family too? And have never learned to express feelings in any kind of healthy way either? Well, we’re perfect for each other then!”
• “Margo, what I’m trying to say is that you remind me of my mother. And my mother is fucking terrifying.”

Curtis, 12/18/07

Despite my Curmudgeonly status, I must give props to even those corny jokes that give me little guffaws of joy, and the image that Curtis offers today — of snowflakes that are really tiny elf turds — definitely did that. I might feel differently the next time it snows and I’m unable to get the image out of my head. I also like the way Curtis is rooting around the branches of the Christmas tree, looking for anything even remotely edible to cram down his insatiable gullet.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/18/07

Dear Funky Winkerbean:

Ahem.

A “SOLO CAR DATE” IS NOT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS. REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER WILL NOT MAKE IT A REAL THING THAT ANYONE ACTUALLY SAYS.

I thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

Archie, 12/18/07

“To be honest, though, I think a lot of people are just stopping by his booth to stare at his crotch.”

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Ack! I used faithful reader Brown-Eyed Girl’s pic of an anarchist Santa, but have been terribly remiss in relaying her meetup report! Let’s make amends now! Here it is, straight from her mouth (or typing fingers, anyway):

Oregon mudges Deena in OR, Brown-eyed Girl, gnome de blog, and redlikerubies met up at Powell’s Bookstore in downtown Portland. (leathermessiah was supposed to join us, but foolishly chose academic obligations over fun. Silly leathermessiah). The sun actually shone that day, which I take as a sign that the deity was well-pleased that another Comics Curmudgeon meet-up had occurred. As it happened, our table was right next to the comics section. Of course we posed in front of
the display. Deena in OR is holding Dykes to Watch Out For, I have Family Circus, gnome de blog chose a general book on comics, while redlikerubies found a particularly heinous For Better or For Worse. (Photography by Mr. redlikerubies, who patiently waited while we scrabbled through the shelves and was an all-around good sport.)

If you’d like to meet up with your fellow readers, check out the meetup forum! A quick glance shows that there’s a big one brewing in New Orleans for December 26…