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Crock, 12/12/07

Today’s Crock has plenty of little run-of-the-mill terrible touches — like, for instance, the word balloon in panel two, clearly drawn for three lines of text, but with only two lines of text actually floating in it. But I’m sort of intrigued by the random pink squiggles in the background of the first panel. I’d like to believe that they’re blood streaks on the wall from the last perky thin saleslady who tried to talk smack about Grossie, but it’s more likely that someone was trying to draw some clothing racks in the background to add a little detail to the scene and then suddenly realized that no, wait, this is Crock, what am I doing.

Luann, 12/12/07

I thought that for sheer irritation, nothing could beat the “Dirk and Brad compete for Toni’s affection via the Christmas food drive” storyline from a couple of years back, but now I can see that the “Brad and Toni sublimate their incomprehensible attraction via the Christmas food drive” is going to come close. Brad’s Neanderthal suggestion that a meeting isn’t a date unless he’s paying will presumably blow up in his face when he cruises to food-gathering victory (thanks to TJ coming through with a bunch of cans of Dinty Moore stew that “fell off the back of a truck”), leaving him to enjoy a meal of lobster (which he will adamantly insist is NOT A DATE) and loneliness.

Mark Trail, 12/12/07

Luke Wilson spotted canoodling with mystery woman!

Luke Wilson, star of such Hollywood pictures as The Royal Tenenbaums and Old School, has been seen around town with a mysterious dark-haired and arch-eyebrowed beauty. The picture below was snapped as they left the Ivy last month:

Now reports are coming in that this lady is married — or was, until her husband’s murder last month. Hollywood is abuzz with the notion that Luke, long known as the “not crazy Wilson brother”, might have something to do with the dastardly deed. Though a mustachioed French-Canadian hillbilly has been jailed for the crime, NOAA weather spokesman Mark Trail insists that the Quebecker is innocent. “You exploited a friend of mine’s fiery temper!” Trail was heard to shout at Wilson at a party at Chateau Marmont.

Family Circus, 12/12/07

I’m not sure what exactly those papers are that Big Daddy Keane is holding in his lap, but they look official, what with the seal on top and everything. Let’s hope they’re the forms for committing Jeffy to that special school far away so that nobody has to listen to his idiotic questions anymore.

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Family Circus, 12/11/07

Many years ago (OK, three, but that’s a long time in the world of blogging), I decried the narrative technique on display in today’s Family Circus as “dialogue that’s half in word balloons, half in quote marks below the panel, and all half-assed.” Today I think the narrative trickery is there only to distract us from the panel’s total failure to make sense. Never mind the fact that the only people who criticize the youth of today and their “y’know”-saying ways are roughly six to eight times older than Billy; why is Billy standing there with studied ease, one hand in his pocket, as Dolly bellows in his face from six inches away? Are they meant to demonstrate the differing attitudes of their teachers — one all mellow and relaxed (possibly due to weed) and one all shrill and controlling (possibly due to coke)?

Meanwhile, on December 10, 2007, after 50+ years, Marmaduke’s creators apparently ran out of enormous-dog-themed jokes that can be told in a single-panel format, and beginning today will be trying out this “sequential art” concept they’ve heard so much about. Readers who have always been concerned about how closely Marmaduke’s owner resembles Hitler will be made uncomfortable by the upper half of the panel.

Ziggy, 12/11/07

I’m all in favor of Ziggy being taunted by his television set, but this just seems like a friendly jest as he attempts to scroll through all the wonderful entertainment offerings provided by his local cable company. We really need for the question mark on the TV to be removed, along with Ziggy’s dialogue, to provide the sense of soul-crushing ennui that I demand from this feature.

Sally Forth, 12/11/07

I think we’re all glad that Ted has moved from unshaven, unemployed layabout to chipper seasonal minimum wage worker, but someone needs to tell him that he SHOULDN’T. WEAR. THE HIDEOUS ORANGE VEST. IN. THE HOUSE. With the nametag and everything. Really, Ted, just because they don’t come home to find you on the couch screaming at your judge shows doesn’t mean that your family has forgotten who you are.

On the bright side, it’s probably only a matter of time before Ted joins the cast of Shortpacked.

Hagar the Horrible, 12/11/07

Remember, kids, you can make your holiday season ever so much more convenient — with stealing!

For Better Or For Worse, 12/11/07

Ha, ha, “legs!” Everything smells like “legs!” Don’t kids say the darnedest things? Sometimes they can be a little confusing, though, especially when they use quote marks. Let’s call in an expert to help clear this up:

Well … that does make more sense.

And I leave with another amusing out-of-context panel:

Panel from Archie, 12/11/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000 has discovered either absurdism or HotSweatyMasturbatingCoaches.com.

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You were all good, so now you get your delayed-by-one-day comment of the week!

“Mark Trail sounds like Keanu Reeves, without the emotion.” –ltrftp(not so first time)

And let’s not forget the runners up:

“My God, Lu Ann is actually, literally excited to watch paint dry.” –Yahtzee

“From now on, Funky Winkerbean is going to focus on the basics: No talking. No plots. Just smirking.” –Francis

“A porn of Gil Thorp would just bomb/ even if filmed for your palm/ You’d painfully watch/ through what might be the crotch/ of a one-legged stud going GLOM!” –lunarhalo

“Awww. Tommie gets kissed. In 2012, Tommie will get laid, thus fulfilling the ancient Mayan prophecy of the end of days for planet Earth.” –True Fable

“Anthony is so creepy looking. Here I thought it was the ‘stache; turns out, no, it’s his face.” –Groovymarlin

“Well, it looks like we’ll finally see what it looks like when Mary Worth dumps a boyfriend. Based on how everything else gets done in this comic strip, I’m guessing the best adjective to describe it will be ‘anticlimactic.'” –Trilobite

“Alternately, it could be that ‘Let me tell you something…’ is Mary Worth’s way of segueing into a grandly produced musical number which, knowing Mary as we do, would likely consist of a high-pitched, incapacitating shrieking noise and subsequent devouring of Dr. Jeff’s juicy ligaments. But with jazz hands!” –Tats

“Apparently, Mary et al. are sitting in the no-eye-contact section. Welcome to the Bum Boat! Try the As-burgers.” –SmartPeopleOnIce

“In an attempt to put himself into the unknown murderer’s mind, Mark uses his finger as a fake mustache.” –Wili

“Unless there was a very long pause between panels, the couple in the background apparently managed to travel about 20 feet in a span of a half-second. They’ve obviously overheard Dr. Jeff’s criticism, and they know the walls will soon be dripping with blood. It’s a reaction not unlike what you would see in a Wild West saloon just before a gunfight.” –Eric the Grate

“Dr. Jeff would be better off, and safer, back in the godforsaken jungle from whence he was plucked by Our Mary, winner of the Nobel Prize in Smugonomics.” –jvwalt

“I think it would be interesting for a strip like [Hi and Lois] to suddenly have its characters move, but instead of following them, stay in the same house and start following the adventures of the new, and presumably more fiscally responsible, family that moves in. The Flagstons can drop by occasionally to look around ‘for old times’ sake,’ surreptitiously sliding silverware and small electronics into their pockets as Trixie distracts them with her babyish squalling and her soiled baby clothes, both of which are all the disquieting now that she’s nearly forty.” –SecretMargo

“Luckily for Mary, she has at least 3,000 lavender pantsuits, so Chester eating one isn’t too big a deal.” –Citric

“I’m going with a major sedative. Abbey will wake up in a bathtub full of ice with a phone and a note on Monday. Will her organs be sold on the black market for transplant or sold in the farm store?” –Kaitlyn

“I had such a sheltered childhood. Believe it or not, I’m 24 years old and until this day I never knew the true meaning of April Fool’s Day. I thought it was some sort of practical-joking spree, but evidently it’s really the day when a seven-foot tall demonic snowman comes to your door, which you must slay by stabbing a well-waxed pair of skis through its frozen heart. I missed out on so much!” –Jordan

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