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Apartment 3-G, 10/18/07

On days when I don’t get to do a post until very late, I usually don’t even read the comics until I sit down to write my commentary. I do, however, read my readers’ comments, as they’re e-mailed to me as I’m sitting at my computer trying to do real work. Thus if something really wacky is happening somewhere in comics land, I’m forewarned. But no mere description could have prepared me for the awesomeness of today’s Apartment 3-G. I mean, sure, Lu Ann’s look of pleasant vapidity in panel one, Margo’s superciliousness, her vaguely sexual dig at Lu Ann (“Your boyfriend will be working under me … which I’m sure will be a new experience for him, right Blondie McChaste?”) — that’s all easy to envision. But panel three, in which Margo gets her little snide remark in while grabbing her Georgia O’Keefe-brand toaster pastry out of the air without even looking at it — that has to be seen to be believed.

Hey, shouldn’t Ruby be here to defend her poor, brain-damaged cousin with her Texas-sized sass? I guess she’s too busy working under the Professor to notice that she’s needed! Ha ha! Ah, I amuse myself with my ribaldry.

Archie, 10/18/07

oh my god don’t look at the ceiling don’t look at the ceiling DON’T LOOK AT THE CEILING AAAGGGGGHHH

Dennis the Menace, 10/18/07

Technically, Dennis, the only “guy” you hang out with is Joey. I don’t think you have to worry about him out-butching you.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/18/07

A writer and an author? That’s … quite an achievement!

Garfield, 10/18/07

Tomorrow: Garfield and Jon finally put their suicide pact into motion.

Judge Parker, 10/18/07

I haven’t really been able to follow the business and legal implications of the current Judge Parker, since I didn’t get an MBA with a concentration in crazy, plus whenever I try to think about it too hard I keep get distracted by boobs. But I’m pretty sure that when Sam says “steal this land,” he means “offer cash to the land’s owner in an attempt to purchase it.” But hey, what do I know? I’m not a smooth-talking asexual lawyer with a big thatch of exposed chest hair, now am I?

Mary Worth, 10/18/07

Speaking of things that have to be seen to be believed … that is the most bizarre t-shirt ever to appear in Mary Worth — no, in any comic strip, ever. It’s up there with the pinball-playing fish in terms of weirdness. Because they don’t want to offend the bluehairs, it’s impossible for Mary Worth to really tell us how far Drew and Vera’s relationship went, but I’m guessing a sensible gal like Vera would have broken things off if Drew had taken her back to his condo, closed the mauve curtains, and told her to relax as he changed into something more comfortable, and then, just as her eyes settled on the framed picture of a Conestoga wagon and she began to wonder what the hell the deal was with that, he emerged wearing that … thing. Yes, this relationship was doomed from the start.

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Beetle Bailey, 10/17/07

Yes, thank goodness General Halftrack is keeping up with radical newspapers like Vorwärts and the Daily Worker to keep tabs on their stinging and remarkably specific criticisms of the quality of American general officers! By exposing the rot and incompetence at the upper echelons of the US military, they help forward the cause of proletarian revolution!

No, seriously, what the hell. My guess is that this cartoon is what happened when the whole ludicrous New York Times/MoveOn.org Petraeus/Betray Us kerfuffle managed to seep through the layers and layers of Out Of Touch that surround the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Funny Enterprises LLC compound. Though I’m guessing that if anyone bought a full-page ad entitled “General Halftrack or General Half Assed?” there wouldn’t be any kind of Congressional resolution condemning it.

On the other hand, Halftrack could be reading a radical right-wing newspaper, which puts a whole different spin on things. “Under Halftrack, Camp Swampy has sunk under the scum, his corps lousy with blacks, Asians, and homosexuals. Under his leadership, the army is incapable of bringing the cleansing fire to this nation that it so desperately needs!”

Momma, 10/17/07

This may mark me as a bad son, but when I see an (I assume) adult describe living at home with their dwarfish, clown-haired freak of a mother as “a spiritual and emotional pleasure,” I don’t think “happy, well-adjusted young man”; I think “budding serial killer.” More specifically, I think “pretentious budding serial killer.”

By the way, when I first saw this strip, I read the final word balloon as “–is that the same as ‘the pita’?” Which, frankly, is funnier than the actual punchline. The “pita” version isn’t actually funny at all, but the real gag is anti-funny, and zero is greater than a negative number.

Mary Worth, 10/17/07

If you’re not following along at home, yesterday Vera’s creepy, estranged brother Von bought her forgiveness with a check. We have to assume that it was large enough to overcome the huge chip on Vera’s shoulder; sadly, it was not an oversized novelty check that would have allowed us to see the exact amount. Anyway, I’m hoping that now desperate Drew is ready to resort to an overworked, overpaid, oversexed young man’s answer to any current problem, which is to throw money at it. I’m sure Mary will approve of Vera’s masterly techniques of holding grudges for fun and profit.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/16/07

You’d think I’d be disappointed by Margo’s failure to unleash an act of unspeakable violence upon Eric Mills for his failure to marry her, but frankly I’m finding “stiff upper lip/intense self-delusion Margo” even more entertaining than “man-killing Margo” would have been. Lu Ann’s extremely restricted amnesia is also back, because she has clearly forgotten her upcoming art show at the Mills Gallery once again; she wouldn’t look so damn perky if she realized that this nepotistic appointment will put Margo in charge of her and her ex-junkie boyfriend/curator, whom Margo holds in contempt. On the other hand, maybe she’s secretly so despondent about her brain damage that she’s attempting suicide-by-Margo; no one can expect our gal Magee to repress her rage forever, particularly when being needled as she is in panel three. Tommie sees enough blood and broken bones at work, which is why she’s covering her eyes.

Family Circus, 10/16/07

Dolly, ever the kiss-up, has apparently decided that the ants will inevitably emerge victorious in their long war against the human race. She imagines that when she’s prodded by the warriors’ mandibles into the vast breeding chamber, she’ll be able to say to the queen, “Your majesty! I have always been a friend to the ants! I made sure that the choicest morsels that fell to the ground remained there! I favored the ants over my own brood-mates!” But the sinister colony insects don’t understand human qualities like “loyalty” or “forgiveness,” Dolly. You’ll be sucked dry of your nutritive value and used to feed the larvae, just like everyone else.

Judge Parker, 10/16/07

AHHH! PEOPLE! THIS ROBUST, OAKY MERLOT IS MADE OF PEOPLE! YOU’VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/16/07

Nice try, Niki, but Rex Morgan doesn’t use fatties for arm candy. You can have the diet soda, or you can have ninety minutes on the treadmill — your choice.