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Gil Thorp, 7/9/07

Unlike most of you naysayers, I unabashedly love Gil Thorp, and I particularly love Gil Thorp’s summer storylines. As regular readers know, while the strip is pretty demented plotwise at all times, during the school year it at least is obligated to stay within the stately rhythms of high school athletics: football in the fall, basketball in the winter, and baseball and softball in the spring. In the summer, though, without the structure of the traditional American team sports, anything can happen to the denizens of Milford. Here are some past summer storylines:

• Von worked as a late night DJ, had a weird on-air romance with a 30-year-old, and saved her from a stalker.
• A gymnastics team full of elementary school girls descended into racial hatred and fisticuffs.
• Marty Moon lost thousands of dollars in ill-advised golf bets to a Ben Franklin lookalike grifter, and ended up passed out drunk in his car.

And that’s just off the top of my head! You can understand why I’m very excited to see where the next few months will take us. As we begin, Coach Thorp and Assistant Coach Kaz are celebrating the fact that they don’t have to be around teenagers anymore by getting ripped at the local PUB. Hopefully once they get drunk enough, Gil will work up the nerve to finally ask Kaz why in God’s name he wears pearl earrings.

Crankshaft, 7/9/07

I was a little disappointed when I saw that the ’Shaft was reading Readers Digest; I had thought he’d get his versifying from Adirondack Review or maybe the Inkwell Journal. Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve had piles of Readers Digests in the bathroom I frequent, but in my memory that publication focuses less on poetry and more on funny but true-to-life anecdotes from the workplace and common-sense features on the liberal lies that are destroying America. But I do really like the look of languid blankness on our hero’s face in the second panel. He captures the ennui of the modern cultural consumer, always looking for the entertainment that requires the absolute minimum of psychic energy, but vaguely aware of his dissatisfaction when he’s done.

Apartment 3-G, 7/9/07

Cousin, eh? You ever notice that all of Lu Ann’s relatives, like Ruby and Blaze and Mim, are vaguely-defined cousins and nieces? My theory is that her home is actually a sprawling polygamist compound in Wyoming foothills of the Rockies, where, after two or three generations of isolation, everyone is related to everyone else by marriage or blood in one way or another. It would explain the squishiness of the family ties, and the stupidity.

I love the imperious command in panel one. Margo’s victories over her enemies have no meaning if there is nobody present to witness them. The combat must be memorialized in the form of epic verse for the generations yet unborn.

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Apropos of nothing except that you all are the only ones who will appreciate this: my poor wife has been stricken with laryngitis all weekend, and so her means of communicating with me have been limited to writing things down in her little notebook, making faces, and (my personal favorite) clapping imperiously if I’m in the other room. Anyway, one of the things she wrote in her notebook this weekend was “It’s like I’m Grandpa Jim and you’re Iris!” How very bittersweet that truth is.

And speaking of funny comments … it’s this week’s COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“I bet Anthony has lips like the bologna in the cooler at the 7-11: limp, the wrong temperature, and with a green patina you can see in a certain light.” –Squid Countess

And the close runners up (a very strong week this week, I must say):

“If it were anyone but Vera, I would say she was aiming to hook up with a doctor so as to have the best chance of knocking off her brother and making it look like an accident. But it is Vera, so she probably thinks that if their thought balloons touch, that’s what sex is.” –sinig

“I can understand Jug’s motivation in eating horse feed. With all the hamburgers he scarfs, he needs some serious roughage if he’s going to have a hope of avoiding colon cancer.” –Bitter Scribe

“FBOFW is like a white R. Kelly song: awkwardly worded with their creepy idea of sexual tension.” –Lizardmess

“Sam: ‘I can’t imagine anyone releasing birds near the airport on purpose. It just doesn’t make sense!’ Mark: ‘You wouldn’t believe the things people are capable of, Sam. The things I’ve seen … it would shake your faith in humanity. And physics. Why, one time a man I thought I knew screwed an eyehook into a boat. (Sigh.) Sometimes, Sam, I think the world is so full of facial hair there’s no hope for humanity. Or Rusty.'” –lesles

“Well, if the birth rate doesn’t plummet precipitously in nine months, it’ll be irrefutable proof that sexual orientation is innate and invincible — if that final panel wouldn’t put you off heterosexuality for good, nothing would.” –SecretMargo

“There must be something in the pool at Charterstone that, unlike in the film Cocoon, prematurely ages everyone who hangs around. No wonder the older yet somehow still virile Dr. Cory hates to come near the place. Three years from now, Dawn will graduate from college sporting Mary-style gray hair, eyeglasses on a chain around her neck, and a degree in mah-jong.” –TedSez

“I wonder what Local University‘s mascot is. Probably a vague shape. Or maybe a Fightin’ Vague Shape.” –gkl

“Apparently the artist of A3G heard that most cab drivers in NYC are immigrants, so he dressed the cab driver like the only immigrant he’s ever come in contact with: Balki Bartokomous.” –mokin

“I wonder if Junior’s Rock Concert is taking place at Dawn’s Local University. I bet that Musical Group is performing hits from its Popular Album. For my money, it doesn’t get any better than when they sing That One Song.” –zooby

“Did Professor Papagoras spend some time being brainwashed in a Soviet secret prison? It’s pretty obvious to me — judging from his change in mood from jovial to crazy-eyed in a single panel — that this ‘Ruby’ character is a communist secret agent sent to activate the Prof’s repressed assassin training, keyed by the word ‘sugar.’ I guess Vladimir Putin has decided that the best way to undermine American society is to assassinate America’s sweetheart, Margo Magee.” –Darkefang

“What I’m hoping is that Mark and Sam will arrive to investigate at the same time that Buzzard is releasing his second group of birds, and that they’ll immediately fly right into Sam’s brand new eyes. Do you hear me, Mark Trail? I will give you money if you make this happen.” –Rhekarid

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Mark Trail, 7/8/07

Wait … a tree? A tree? You waste an entire Mark Trail Sunday strip on a tree? An admittedly freaky-looking tree, but still! The Mark Trail Sunday strips I know bring me wonderful visions, like flying jet-propelled squid and elephants throwing hapless souls across the savannah. This tree crap is weak. There could at least be some unnatural, horrifying beast lurking in the tree, like…

Mary Worth, 7/8/07

…there is in the next-to-last panel here! It’s a squirrel! It’s a possum! It’s a … small badger! It’s … well, I hope it’s going leap out of that tree and latch onto either Dawn or Drew’s face with its razor-sharp claws, if only to put an end to this awful flirting.

I’m assuming that someone over at Mary Worth central has been informed about the Grey’s Anatomy phenomenon, and “Dr. McHottie” is another misguided stab at topical relevance. I’m not sure if they didn’t just come out and say McDreamy because a team of King Features lawyers spent two to five billable hours in conference and ultimately urged them not to, or because they’ve never actually watched the show and just got it wrong. I will gain new respect for all involved if the latter turns out to be the case.

Panel from For Better Or For Worse, 7/8/07

I know that this panel is supposed to represent these jaunty young lads mooning the camera, no doubt the high point of the young foobs’ day at the beach, but it sure looks like April will be uploading a whole new set of pics to her teenage scat porn site this afternoon. For better!