Comment of the Week

Poor Charlie Brown. Once, he was a global icon, the Everyman incarnate, beloved staple of holiday television traditions and cute birthday cards everywhere. Now in the wake of the Animalpocalypse he's forgotten, his iconic shirt hanging forlorn on thrift store rack among the detritus of the civilization that bore him. Good grief.

TheDiva

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We’ve got some running around to do this afternoon; I’m hoping to get Sunday’s strips up tonight, but, in case I don’t, I thought I’d get the CsOTW out of the way now. Here’s the top comment, which just about sums up the week’s drama.

“Remember the world before the Internet? I remember it as a time of innocence, when it would never occur to us that somewhere, someone is beating off to Slylock Fox.” –Rocky Jones

And here are the almost-made-its — a big list, this week.

“So really the nickname Clambake has little to do with an actual clambake and more to do with the fact that you can’t get him to shut up. One imagines that the people who gave him his not-all-that-meaningful moniker could have come up with something a little more accurate, like Gumflap or JesusChrist,SomeonePleaseHaveThisMan’sVocalChordsSurgicallyRemoved.” –Hannah

“If a saw-toothed hairdo guy in a Punisher t-shirt can hang with a purse-carrying kid wearing a bellhop hat, then why oh why can’t we all just get along?” –Trotzenbonnie

“Golly, if the words ‘come-hither expression’ don’t apply to the look on Jamaal’s face in the first panel, then I just don’t know what. But I wish they didn’t.” –Keg of Curd

“Like most of the recent FBoFW plotlines, the tale of Liz’s turn as a bridesmaid will be half drearily predictable bullshit and half character assassination. You’ll see the ultimate conclusion looming ominously from a mile away but will still be surprised at how unlikable the characters have become.” –Trilobite

“GODDAMMIT JUDGE PARKER IS STILL ON THAT ONE DAY” –Gabe

Beasley, I am ashamed of you. You are a government employee with a strong union backing. You should have responded as follows: ‘I save the special deliveries for your wife, you colic-haired mutant.’ And then when he swings at you, you mace him to suit your whimsy.” –Sunny Mel Blatherscythe

“Meanwhile, the squirrel reads the backstory blurb in utter disbelief. ‘Oh my paws!’ he cries, ‘In a single sentence they’ve summed up five weeks of this crazy strip.'” –Proteus

“I keep coming back for the coveralls that the villains must wear by law in Mark Trail. Not since the Cylons in the original Battlestar Galactica, with their ping-pong ball eye, has a villain had such a useless yet consistent prop.” –King Folderol

“My God, the only thing stiffer than the characters in Mark Trail is the dialogue — it’s like watching two mannequins attempt innuendo written by a five year old. I’d make a joke about the stiffness and Mark’s penis, but let’s face it: neither of those … things in this strip seem to have genitalia.” –GG

“What’s wrong, Tommie? You’re white as a sheet exactly the same skin tone as me!” –Josh Millard

“Gabriella is off her meds again. Tommie’s an angel for happening to work in a hospital, Alan’s an angel for — GASP! — having a key. Maybe the doctor’s a unicorn or something.” –commodorejohn

“If Shawna-Marie walks down the aisle to anything other than the theme from Car Wash, I will be bitterly disappointed.” –Dingo

“Hmf. A sandwich buffet for Shawna-Marie’s rehearsal dinner. The bride gets cream, but the coffee gets 2% from the Loeb’s on Bathurst.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Margo’s hair is perfect, but she’s got bedhand.” –Edgy DC

“Q. How many Clambakes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Why, back when I was in the Negro Leagues, the white players usedta sneak into our locker rooms and bust all the lightbulbs. But we wouldn’t let it get us down. We’d let our bats speak for us. It’s important to keep your eyes fixed on one socket and keep twisting, no matter what kind of lightbulbs life hands you. [The days of practice roll on … and so does the lightbulb story!] And remember when it seems darkest, just pull your head and keep doing it. Did I tell you about when I played with Sockless Bob Farlon and Red ‘Blue’ Green? I recall one time I ate a sandwich, and it was really good, but I didn’t know what was in it. ‘What’s in this sandwich?’ I asked everybody in the room. Folks called me ‘Sandwich’ for a while there. But back in 1952…” –The Spectacular Spider-Brick

“But Professor, if we wait till morning, maybe Lu Ann will be dead, and then I won’t have to go at all.” –flotsam

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Mary Worth, 6/9/07

Ah, what a revealing sibling diptych in the wake of the meeting that was so long in coming! On the right, we have Vera, brought to spasms of uncontrollable weeping as years of suppressed emotion wrench their way out of her soul. On the left, we have Von, who’s head is vaguely itchy. Remember, kids: alcohol is your ticket out of undesirably intrusive emotional experiences!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/07

Man, for a guy who thinks his friend’s husband is long dead in the icy North Atlantic, Rex is sure looking cheery in panel two. “Yeah, why don’t you go over and console Heather, soothe her grief, do woman stuff, whatever … while I get the house all to myself! For me and anyone I want to invite over. Lucky for me I wore my grooviest shirt today!”

Hi and Lois, 6/9/07

Dude, child labor is so much cheaper!

Apartment 3-G, 6/9/07

Sleepy, disheveled, nighty-clad Margo? Bliss. Sleepy, disheveled, nighty-clad, ragingly self-absorbed Margo? Rapture.

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Gil Thorp, 6/8/07

Dum dee dum, oh look, it’s Gil Thorp, where the characters are always an oddly drawn band of quasi-humans. Yes, there they are, strangely shaped, but I’m totally used to that by now … I’ll just move on to the final panel and see YEEEARRRGGGHHHH!!!!

Man, I guess Brynna Antenna got sick of being called “Brynna Antenna,” but was unable to conceive of any other hairstyle, and so just decided to go for the Lt. Ilia look. Now that her antennae are gone, all her psychic powers are just radiating out from her shiny bald pate.

The Milford Lady Mudlarks softball team is now officially the jumpiest-to-conclusionist bunch in the comics pages. First they assume that Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp has cancer because of a half-overheard phone conversation, then Brynna Baldie shaves her head in premature solidarity — before finding out whether or not her coach will have to undergo chemo, or even whether the other girls on the team are on board. Of course, since she’s Tyler’s girlfriend, it should come as no surprise that she lurches into ill-advised schemes. Hopefully they’ll get to room together at the mental hospital.

Oh, yeah, speaking of Tyler … the long delayed Self-Clubbing Tyler winner will be announced … MONDAY! So you’ll have all weekend to let your anticipatory excitement BUILD!

Mark Trail, 6/8/07

The wide-eyed, terrified, badly banged Sam Hill we see in panel two is perhaps one of the most wonderful images in recent Mark Trail history, even when the high bar established by the savage duck attack in panel one is taken into consideration. I particularly like the fact that for some reason the space in her open mouth has been left gleaming white. It’s as if she’s simultaneously shouting in terror and gritting her teeth in grim determination.

Her ludicrous facial expression might be best explained not by the swarm of highly trained attack ducks, but by the fact that her cravat is obviously too tight, cutting off blood flow to the head.

Apartment 3-G, 6/8/07

It took long enough, but Apartment 3-G has finally figured out how to make this “Lu Ann Is Hospitalized At Tommie’s Hospital” storyline interesting. Lu An having seizures? BORING! Tommie in her professional environment? BORING! Margo disheveled in a nightie? Now we’re talking. Hopefully we’ll get to see her bathroom preparations (yes, Lu Ann’s in the hospital, but Margo does not just roll out of bed and leave the apartment) so we can see what sort of shampoo she uses to maintain that Mary Tyler Moore/Marilyn Quayle hair flip all night.

Archie, 6/8/07

I thought I’d share with you a little of the code from the algorithm that powers the Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000:

if
  assessLameness(joke.this) > Unspeakable
then
  insertDrawing(BettysAssCrack)

Shoe, 6/8/07

Ha ha! It’s funny because Roz’s boyfriend is an alcoholic!

Wait, Roz has a boyfriend?