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Crankshaft, 11/2/07

I know that life in the now temporally disjointed Funky Winkerbean/Crankshaft space/time continuum is a nonstop parade of ghastliness, but I do thinks the expressions of shock and despair sported by the two poor saps in panel three are bit overblown. They look less like “contemplating yet another one of the ’Shaft’s asinine schemes” and more like “just freed from a multiday hostage ordeal.” Or, to put it another way, less like “contemplating yet another one of the ’Shaft’s asinine schemes” and more like “actually watching one of the ’Shaft’s asinine schemes put into action, only many small children have been tied to the tree limbs before it was set alight.” I guess the inhabitants Funkyworld are always imagining the absolute worst-case-scenario for their lives at any given moment, and with good reason.

Dennis the Menace, 11/2/07

Oh, ho ho! That Dennis the Menace! Mr. Wilson is a fat lump, and Dennis isn’t afraid to point it out! He has no sense of social propriety! Ho ho!

OK, now that we’ve got that out of the way, please tell me the planet on which the following exchange would not be creepy and inappropriate:

Mr. Wilson looks disgruntled not because the neighbor brat has insulted his appearance (he’s sadly used to that by now) but because he’s suddenly realized that his increasingly senile wife has accidentally gotten out the “special” photo album. OH MY GOD MARTHA DON’T TURN THE PAGE!

Judge Parker, 11/2/07

Longtime readers of Judge Parker know that Sophie (here looking more disturbingly like a tiny monkey than ever) has a problem with voyeurism; recall this installment from one artist and 22 months ago (I think that works out to three days in JP’s internal chronology), in which Sophie gloats over having seen Neddy make out with her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. At least that was just good clean trembling-on-the-edge-of-puberty curiosity and fun, and neither of the kissees was married to her adopted mother. But don’t worry, Sam! Her lips are sealed! Now let’s talk about a raise in her allowance. Indian personal assistants don’t come cheap, you know.

(By the way, those of you who chortled at JP’s Raju storyline as unrealistic should probably read this.)

Marmaduke, 11/2/07

I’d really like to believe that the white band around Dottie’s waist is the broad white belt that the artist intended us to see, and not the result of her pants falling down so we can see her ass crack and garters. Really, I would. But somehow I don’t think I’m going to be able to pull it off.

On the other hand, I’m very pleased to see Marmaduke revealed as a three-headed demon hound.

Spider-Man, 11/2/07

I really am constantly impressed by Spider-Man’s ability to disappoint me. Just when I think my standards for the strip couldn’t possibly be lower, suddenly some new plot twist comes along to indicate that things are going to be much, much lamer than even I could imagine. Take the Persuader, here. When his upcoming appearance was hyped in a NEXT! box a Sunday or two ago, I was convinced that he was going to be a costumed supervillain of some sort — a spectacularly goofy one, to be sure, à la the Shocker, but a supervillain nonetheless. But now we see that he’s just a beefy guy in a suit. OOOH! He’s blows up newspaper trucks! He cleans his fingernails with a knife! He has a vaguely Hitler-esque haircut! SCARY!!!

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Apartment 3-G, 11/1/07

OH SNAP!

I mean, literally. Snap. There’s a big “snap” there in the second panel.

For some reason.

It’s not like “snap” is the noise a phone makes when you hang it up or something.

Kind of weird.

Anyway.

This little tiff does nothing to dissuade me from rooting for the inevitable Margo-Sam pairing. We all like a little drama in our fictional romances, am I right? They’re the Tracy and Hepburn of the new millennium, as indicated by the fact that Margo is trying to haul off and punch Sam in the second panel. Ha ha, silly Margo! You can’t punch a person through the phone! Sadly, technology has not advanced to that point yet.

Spider-Man, 11/1/07

So do we have to add anti-Hellenism to Spider-Man’s long list of crimes? So many of the traditional libels against the Greek people — that they control the media, that they enjoy blowing up innocent newspaper trucks, that they have a weakness for hideous faux-Rococo decor, that their inordinate vanity drives them to sculpt their eyebrows into upswept, Romulan-style points — are on display here. I’d be outraged if Spider-Man didn’t as a rule lull me into a state of ennui-tinged semi-consciousness.

Mary Worth, 11/1/07

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD MARY IS GOING TO TAKE THIS INJURED DOG BACK TO HER APARTMENT AND NURSE IT BACK TO HEALTH! You read it here first. She’ll use it as a proud emblem of her newfound philosophy that we should love with “simplicity and purity,” as the animals do. Then, of course, the inappropriate urination will begin.

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Mary Worth, 10/31/07

Goodness! Could this dog-loving chinbearded baby-blue-sweatshirt-clad behemoth really be our Professor Cameron? At first flush it seems likely, because honestly, how many portly white-haired gentlemen sporting Amish-style facial hair could there really be within biking radius of Charterstone? But this individual has jawline-length hair, like some sort of damn hippie, and, more troubling, is showing the sort of pure, selfless love required of dog owners, rather than sneering superciliously at the mutt’s need for affection. Perhaps Ian keeps this dog hidden away somewhere for those times when he wants to feel genuine, positive emotions. Then when he’s done he goes back to Charterstone, grumps at everyone, and makes sure the “no pets” clause stays in the condo rules.

Apartment 3-G, 10/31/07

OK, who’s with me on TEAM SAM? Clearly Margo needs to cool it with the chasing of the unattainable wealthy jerks and see the handsome young thing right in front of her (or, in this case, just on the other side of the lightning-bolt-shaped panel divider indicating electronic communication). Sure, Sam doesn’t have much to offer by way of money, but he can provide the one thing Margo needs most: total puppy-eyed devotion to Margo. Magee’s a top, and she needs to find a bottom to make her happy.

Family Circus, 10/31/07

Today’s Family Circus actually made me laugh. The jack-o’-lantern really seems to have a pretty convincing of expression of mingled horror and disgust. It’s not as horrified as a person would be watching someone eat a pie made out of human brains, but still.

Dennis the Menace, 10/31/07

Tip for you, Dennis:

“We’ll skip this house ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Not menacing.

“We’ll burn this motherfucking house to the ground ’cause they only give out toothbrushes and healthy stuff”: Menacing.

I’m here to help.

Archie, 10/31/07

The Archie Joke-Generating Laugh Unit 3000’s total unfamiliarity with organic matter rears its ugly head again. There are few things more stomach turning than the idea of Jughead pushing his head through a hole hollowed out in the middle of what has to be a forty-pound hamburger. There aren’t any visible suspenders or anything, so the key question is: What’s holding it up? Mayonnaise and rapidly congealing American cheese, no doubt. Our Keystone Kop ought to end this crime against food with by beating Jughead senseless with his baton right now before that manhole-sized ground beef patty starts to go bad.

For Better Or For Worse, 10/31/07

Say what you will about the new hybrid FBOFW, but it did allow us to see Michael Patterson getting hit in the face.