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Funky Winkerbean, 3/27/07

Man, just when I thought Funky Winkerbean couldn’t dip any further into emotional turmoil and human anguish, I think we’re about to see Coach Dude Whose Name I Forget ask his childhood bullying victim to inseminate his wife. Which will be more awesome, this or the FBOFW teen sex storyline? Only queasy, uncomfortable time will tell!

Mark Trail, 3/27/07

As a long-time fan of Mark Trail, I totally accept things like giant talking skunks without a bit of hesitation. But I’m having trouble with the giant talking rug in the third panel here. Which appears to be on the wall for some reason. Or is it perched on Mark’s shoulder? Or are Mark and Cherry actually standing on the wall, their bodies held parallel to the ground by some strange force, like Lionel Richie in the damn “Dancing on the Ceiling” video? Is that what’s going on here?

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OK, so our dread sovereign, the Galactic Overlord Chennux, has been holding the King Features comics on the Chron hostage all day, so Tuesday’s comics will have to wait until tomorrow, because I have to jet out shortly for a SECRET ENGAGEMENT that I will be authorized to tell you about at a later date. But here’s a few items to tide you over:

First, MARGO! BOXCAR! SATURN shirts and mugs are here, courtesy of faithful reader and all around awesome dude willethompson!

As an experiment, we’re selling these shirts not through CafePress, but through … well, through willethompson himself. The quality should be higher, but we will need a minimum order to get things rolling; if we don’t get 24 pre-orders by April 1, we’ll just go the CafePress route. So, put your money where your mouth is, people! Head over to wille’s site for the details.

Second! You all remember the glory and pageantry that was the Finger Quotin’ Margo lookalike contest! Ever since, I’ve wondered, “What image in the comics is so iconic, so awesome, that people will be willing to humiliate themselves publicly to reproduce it?” Last week, I found the answer:

That’s right — it’s the Self-Clubbing Tyler lookalike contest! e-mail me a picture of you or a unsuspecting friend attempting to reproduce this glorious panel and YOU could end up featured on a classy mug or other item to be determined later! Now, I’m not saying that you’ll get extra bonus points for actually drawing blood or popping your shoulder out of its socket, but strict realism is encouraged.

And thirdly! One of my many minions recently met a nice fan of this site who draws his own comic, The Jackass and the Jew. The author is the Jew (except he isn’t, really) and the Jackass is his coworker, and … well, just read it, really, it’s funny.

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Crankshaft, 3/26/07

Not only does this joke manage to somehow be both horrifyingly tasteless and completely incomprehensible; it also is the exact same joke that this trip used to similarly poor effect last June (and thanks to faithful reader Gg83 for pointing this out in the comments). At least that version was told by other characters.

Does Crankshaft own any garments other than that jacket? I don’t even want to imagine what it must smell like.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/26/07

The other day I was saying to myself, “Josh, you know what FBOFW really needs? A really sanctimonious teen sex storyline.” April has always been the odd Foob out; now she needs to decide if she’s stay pure, or give in to her sinful urges, forever shame the name of Patterson, and join Team Gig with Becky. I for one am looking forward to the horror.

Gil Thorp, 3/26/07

You know what’s even more thrilling and exciting than writing a nice, long paper about fairness and ethics? Looking at a crude drawing of two people writing nice, long papers about fairness and ethics.

You know what’s even more thrilling and exciting than looking at a crude drawing of two people writing nice, long papers about fairness and ethics? Looking at two crude drawing of two people writing nice, long papers about fairness and ethics.

Judge Parker, 3/26/07

Oh my God, Abbey’s maternal instincts about the need to accompany Neddy to Paris were right on the money: she’s been there for two days and she already thinks it’s fun being a whore. WATCH CLOSELY, APRIL PATTERSON: THIS IS YOUR FUTURE IF YOU GO PAST FIRST BASE BEFORE THE AGE OF THIRTY.