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Ziggy, 11/9/06

See, “diversity” used to be code for “black people,” but now it’s code for “gay people.” This represents the new PC horrorshow that awaits us under a Democratic-controlled Congress. Marriage is between one man and one woman, not a cat and two mice. Sickos.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 11/9/06

Speaking of which, I’m not a biologist or anything, but I’m pretty sure only boy cows have horns, which makes this already disturbing strip even weirder.

The Phantom, 11/9/06

This pretty much takes the cake, though. The dude in skin-tight lycra, the dog sticking its tongue in the drugged, blindfolded woman’s ear, the interrobang … sick, I tell you, sick.

And here’s two soaps from today that it would have been sick to ignore…

Apartment 3-G, 11/9/06

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHO DO YOU THINK MARGO’S “ASSISTANT” IS? Is it Tommie? Lu Ann? Gina? The hobo who saved her life a few years ago? Margo herself in a blonde wig, answering to “Maggie”? I am on tenterhooks, I tell you what.

Mary Worth, 11/9/06

Mary Worth has of course been delicious all week, as Mary seethes inwardly at her coming obsolescence. Panel two may be the moment at which anger turns to self-doubt, the moment when Mary’s steely self-confidence began to soften just a little. More interesting, though, is panel one, in which she appears to be shoveling off-white glop out of bucket onto a cookie sheet. Many of you have wondered why exactly Mary has a thigh-high bench in the middle of her kitchen; the fact that she needs to drop her … food … from about a foot above its target would seem to illustrate how impractical this arrangement is. But I’ll bet she just likes the sound it makes.

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Apartment 3-G, 11/8/06

Panel two of today’s Apartment 3-G is a thrill for Margo lovers everywhere (which, I think it goes without saying, is ALL OF YOU, if you know what’s good for you). She’s moving in for the kill, and looks like she’s either going to ravage Eric Mills’ hapless assistant with red-hot Margo-style smooches or bite off her face. The girl’s facial expression, which is one of terror mingled with excitement, matches this dramatic ambiguity.

Margo’s near-victim bears a striking resemblance to Alan’s barely legal paramour from that infamous party. Did anyone leave that event not tangled up in this boring blue-suited billionaire’s life one way or another?

Margo’s lonely “Oh.” in panel three demonstrates a great use of word balloon punctuation and white space.

For Better Or For Worse, 11/8/06

I imagine a crisis meeting over at Foob Central: “Dammit, people, we’re getting murdered by Funky Winkerbean in the depressing realism department! We need to bring out the big guns!” How else to explain this harrowing plot twist, in which Grandpa Jim’s fully functioning mind is trapped in a shattered shell of a body, unable to communicate and prevent his unbearable and continuous humiliation? I’m going to imagine him remembering the morse code he learned in his days in the Royal Canadian Air Force, desperately tapping out “KILL ME” on his portable tray with a spoon, hoping that Iris will stop smothering him emotionally and start smothering him with a pillow, while Metallica’s “One” blares on the soundtrack.

FW is really going to have to raise its game here. Wally’s gonna have to accidentally blow up a busload of Iraqi orphans and puppies, then shoot himself, if they want to keep up.

Curtis, 11/8/06

I’d like to ignore the usual tomfoolery with Derrick and “Onion” (something that’s all too easy to do) and focus on Curtis’ alarming laughing fit in panel three. I wonder if the word balloon had been predrawn to accommodate some much longer bit of exposition, and the iterative, punctuationless laughter was stuck in there in a fit of horror vacui, or if we are really meant to understand that Curtis mechanically repeated the word “Ha” 25 times.

In a move that further undermines this pair’s fearsome reputation, “Onion” (or maybe it’s Derrick, I don’t know) appears to be taking fashion tips from Dennis the Menace’s Joey.

Mark Trail, 11/8/06

By having Ranger Rick utter the phrase “hold up,” Mark Trail has now successfully deployed more street lingo than Curtis has in its entire run. No, really, take a look at the Curtis strip above. The part where Curtis says, “Oh, I’ll be!”

Spider-Man, 11/8/06

“Or didja ever see Hitler having dinner with a Romulan?” Jesus, this strip is weird.

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Faithful reader Angela Petteys, along with Richard Jones and Brian Parker, whose status as faithful readers I am unclear on, have produced this … this … well, all I’m going to say is that it’s a preview for The Lockhorns: The Movie and it’s hilarious.

This was the product of some sort of student TV show up at Ferris State, where they all go to school. All I can say is that when I went to college, there was a lot more studying and partying and a lot less making fun of the Lockhorns. It’s a brave new world out there, kids.

Also, this is funny in a sort of navel-gazing way. Faithful reader yellojkt, commenting on this Mark Trail, speculated that Rick and Kelly were setting up the camera for pics to be posted on NaughtyNatureLovers.com, then expressed hope that said URL didn’t actually post to a real site … and then, well, then faithful reader Chaz Larson did this. Hope your servers can handle the load, Chaz! UPDATE AS OF JUNE 4, 2010: An archive-diving reader has just alerted me that this link now points to … an actual porn site. It was inevitable! BE WARNED BEFORE YOU CLICK.