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Mary Worth, 11/1/06

I’m sorry, it’s going to take more than Tommy waving around the world’s smallest bible to convince me that he’s decided to give up the exciting, glamorous world of methamphetamine addiction. I’d be a little more credulous if he weren’t holding the Good Book in his fingertips at arm’s length. He’s clearly using it as a prop to get dear old Mom to open her home to him once again upon his release, and is concerned that Jesus will see into his black heart and His written Word will burn the skin right off of his evil, evil hands. Since most bibles tend to be referred to as “holy” on their front cover (good marketing, that), I’m guessing this is a crude, handmade pamphlet that’s actually full of bootleg pornography.

The fact that Tommy’s eyes are the size of dinner plates makes it all the harder for me to believe that Christ is his anti-drug.

Some commentors have been remarking snarkily on Tommy’s hairstyle and what it might say about his position in the prison social hierarchy. I’d just like to point out to you newbies that Tommy has always rocked the scrunchie hardcore.

Bonus question: What the hell does that sign that’s partially blocked by Iris’ head in panel two say? “Cur”? “Fur”?

For Better Or For Worse, 11/1/06

I’m assuming that what’s happened here is that Shannon has proved that she’s plenty smart enough to disconnect the soundsystem, and that we’re going to learn some valuable lessons about how you should be nice to those less fortunate than you, and that industrial sabotage is totally OK if your bosses are jerks. But I’d like to believe that what the Lead Rectangular String Instrument player means is not that the power is out on their amps, but that due to Rebecca’s total bitchiness, they’ve, like, magically lost their sound, man, their groove, their mojo, that special something that’s made them Canada’s favorite teenage pop act. Then Rebecca will have to go on a magical journey to get her sound back, where she’ll find out the true meaning of music and friendship.

Check out the huge pile of bottled water cases in panel two. Makes you wonder what else is in Becky’s rider in terms of backstage goodies. (Insert your own “rider” joke here.)

Judge Parker, 11/1/06

You know, Judge Parker, I love homoerotic subtexts in serial comics more than just about anything, but I also like those subtexts to be at least thinly veiled. This isn’t even sporting for me.

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B.C., 10/31/06

KIDS TODAY! WITH THE BIG, BAGGY JEANS! THEY’RE SO HUGE! THEY LOOK THEY MIGHT FALL DOWN, AND SOMETIMES YOU CAN SEE THEIR UNDERWEAR EVEN! HOO! BAGGY PANTS! IT’S CRAZY! WHO WEARS THAT STUFF? THE KIDS! THEY’RE NUTS!

HOO!

Good times.

Actually, I do find it kind of funny that Peter (or whoever) is pulling up his … um … diaper … thing in the third panel. Also, kudos for not letting us know that we’re all going to hell on Halloween this year, Johnny.

Judge Parker, 10/31/06

Look at Abbey’s face in panel three: she’s thinking, “God-damned lucky bastard, at least he was.” Have you noticed how difficult it is for her to convince Sam to fulfill his marital obligations? They act like they can’t get it on if there’s anyone else at home, which is kind of strange considering they live in an enormous ranch with, like, outbuildings and such. I’m thinking that Randy isn’t the main “family values” liability to this campaign.

Momma, 10/31/06

This strip made me happy, for a brief moment, that Pluggers exists. Because if it didn’t, I probably would have seen this strip and thought, “Oh my God they want her to have sex with the freakish half-beast — that’s disgusting and horrifying!” But as it is, I just thought, “See, this is why you need to put ‘NO PLUGGERS’ very prominently in your personal ad.”

Mary Worth, 10/31/06

“Yeah, I’d say it went pretty well, seeing as I’m high as a fucking kite right now.”

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Family Circus, 10/30/06

There’s always some sort of twisted psychodrama going on this ostensibly innocent little feature. Today, I’m wondering why Jeffy looks so damn depressed about Billy’s unfunny little joke. Some possibilities as to what might be running around his misshapen head:

• “Mommy’s wrong and preacher’s right! There really are such things as witches, and evil and the devil are real!”
• “Uh oh, Billy’s on to my initiation into the dark arts. I need to cast some sort of hex on him to keep him out of my business.”
• “‘Baby witches?’ This is my big brother who I’m supposed to look up to? Jesus, I don’t know if he’s this stupid or if he thinks that I am.”
• “Uh oh, I pooped my pants again.”

For Better Or For Worse, 10/30/06

OK, let’s for a moment assume that the crowd is going to go wild for the Hose-O-Phonium (which of course it wouldn’t in any rational world, but we are way past any rational world, baby). And let’s assume, against all evidence, that Uncle Phil really is the cool professional jazz-ish musician we’re told he is. And let’s assume that the endeavor on display here — the attempt of 4Evah and Eva to upstage the professional and talented (but still, of course, whorish and evil) RebaccaH — is a noble one. So, basically, Apes and her little friends are bringing in an adult professional to humiliate a thirteen-year-old. Nice. Shannon is so embarrassed by the whole thing that she’s attempting to escape through some kind of trapdoor in the floor, which is the only explanation I can come up with for why she comes up to about April’s navel in panel two.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 10/30/06

Ah, Mrs. Dr. Morgan, always trying to bring a little positive energy and dignity to a thankless world. Because who cares if the people in line behind her have to wait even longer than she did, she’s determined to make friendly chit-chat with this underpaid bureaucrat. It’s a bad idea, though: check out the seam down the side of the teller’s face in panel two. That’s no human clerk, it’s a pitiless android, and when it says “the clock keeps ticking,” it’s in deadly earnest: if June uses up her allotted time and the transaction isn’t complete, the DMV-bot will vaporize her with lasers from its eyes. So let’s get a move on, lady.

Luann, 10/30/06

So does it still count as an infuriating rehash if you get all post-modern and have one of the characters note that it’s an infuriating rehash? Yes, yes it does. Tune in next week when Luann has an awkward phone conversation with Aaron, and Bernice stands behind her with an enormous sign that says “NOTE: THIS STRIP IS ‘PHONING IT IN.'”