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Blondie, 12/5/22

Look, I’ve grudgingly accepted that Elmo, a child to whom the Bumstead family is not related but who nevertheless just kind of hangs out at their house a lot, is a major recurring character in Blondie. But what I will not accept is jokes that are only about Elmo and his life, rather than jokes in which Elmo mainly exists to create opportunities for Dagwood to obsess about food or remark negatively about the kids today and their phones or whatever. You hear me? Nobody wants this. Nobody wants to open the comics pages in 10 years and check out the Sunday installment of Blondie and her Husband Dagwood’s Pal Elmo and think “Gee, Dagwood and Blondie haven’t been in this strip in a while now, have they?” So let’s just put the brakes on this right now.

Funky Winkerbean, 12/5/22

Funky Winkerbean continues to hurl towards its end point in which we learn that Summer was the product of a multi-generational time-travel program designed to cause her to transforms the world with her book about Westview. To that end, the janitor from the future ensured that her parents would reconnect at a high-school reunion. Future history was almost shattered when Les tried out one of the most dumb and convoluted jokes this strip has ever seen, but don’t worry, Lisa liked that sort of thing, I guess. Also, since Lisa only existed to birth Summer into existence, we can all feel better about her tragic death: she fulfilled her destiny and honestly ensuring that Summer had a mopey (and occasionally literally) haunted childhood would help push her towards a writer’s life, rather than becoming dangerously happy and well-adjusted.

Gil Thorp, 12/5/22

As the big game gets started on the field, Marty solemnly flips an AA chip on his own in his beloved wooden crate press box. Do you think Marty or Kaz or any of them ever bother asking Marty how he’s doing, how his recovery is going, whether they can ever be a source of strength or help to him? I doubt it. But he’s just going to keep calling the plays like he sees them, doing the best he can, one day at a time.

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Dick Tracy, 12/4/22

Look, here’s a tough message to all you “social justice warriors” out there: if you would simply allow police to do their jobs by hounding suspects to their ironic deaths, and if juries on the trials for those few cases where someone survives to go to court would just “serve cheerfully and use [their] best judgement” (i.e., convict in all cases) as the Crimestoppers Textbook suggests, then we could all live in a utopian paradise like Neo-Chicago, where selling counterfeit animation cels to furries is a crime considered major enough to attract the Major Crime Unit’s attention.

Gasoline Alley, 12/4/22

America’s population, and its newspaper comics reading population in particular, is rapidly aging, and many yearn for simple pleasures, like having a live-in domestic servant with whom they can share a laugh over alliteration in news articles. Sadly, thanks to out-of-control inflation in servant wages, most cannot afford that luxury, and must be satisfied with its depiction in Gasoline Alley, the old person’s comic of choice for extremely low-stakes chuckles.

Mary Worth, 12/4/22

OK, Iris, I know you’re very fixated on the physical similarities between you and Nan, but I think you do need to spend some time emotionally dealing with “yummy yummy yummy… for my tummy tummy tummy!” If you don’t nip this in the bud now, it absolutely will be part of your wedding vows.

Beetle Bailey, 12/4/22

Love the fact that, in his addled ramble around the house, General Halftrack managed to acquire a healthy pour of brown liquor. My man’s getting up there in years, but he’s still got it! (The “it” is of course a debilitating alcohol problem.)

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Hagar the Horrible, 12/3/22

Lucky Eddie is indignant: His position as the ship’s cook is integral to his identity, and is probably a result of his hereditary caste, not because he’s “good” at cooking or anything. But frankly you can’t keep plundering coin hoards from Carolingian Europe and the Mediterranean and not expect a money-based economy to spring up eventually.

Mary Worth, 12/3/22

TIRED: Iris and Nan are going to engage in some sort of boring cat fight for Zak’s affections.

WIRED: Iris is going to get one look at Nan and fall head over heels in love. Neither of them are going to need Zak at all!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/3/22

I know Mud is supposed to be the “bad guy” here, but I’m sorry, you gotta love him! This amiable giant of a man is going to be flirting and fake-shitting his way to the top of the charts, in contrast with Truck, whose greatest achievement is a song about almost dying of pneumonia at a shitty hotel. Anyone with the nerve to call Buck a loser to his face is all right by me!