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Archie, 5/8/07

From today’s comments, I’m glad to see that the bulk of you share my horror at the Archie-Joke-Generating-Laugh-Unit 3000’s attempt to understand the human soul. The AJGLU 3000, having been programmed with the main motivations for everyone in Riverdale, apparently believes that it would be amusing to see these three running eternally after their hearts’ desires (Jughead: a White Castle slider; Reggie: a dollar sign written on a piece of paper; Archie: Betty’s severed head), never getting closer, their numb faces reflecting their dawning awareness of the Sisyphean nature of their task.

One sometimes wonders to what degree human beings intervene in the AJGLU 3000’s workflow. On the one hand, Coach No-Name, despite his boasts about the track team’s prowess, has a thousand-mile stare in panel two; clearly he knows just what an awful thing he’s done to his innocent charges, and expects retribution, either from a merciful God or in a lawsuit for emotional distress. That moment of self-awareness could never have come from a computer. On the other hand, if people edited this strip, you think they’d have noticed that all three runners have had their left arms hacked off, or that Archie is about to stomp on a puppy.

Gil Thorp, 5/8/07

Hey, does that middle panel of inscrutably drawn young women staring silently confuse you and creep you out as much as it does me? You’re actually supposed to be seeing things through Branden’s eyes as her attempt to rally her teammates into a world of harmony and goodness flops terribly. You’ll note that the two girls the back of whose heads you can see in panel one are facing forward in panel two — Paris, who God only knows why I remember her name, and stripy-tank-top-girl, who I think might be the nosey newspaper reporter maybe? And then there are some blondes. Anyway, even to get this far into understanding what’s going on, you have to have read this damn thing every day and take a minute or two to connect the dots, which means that only I and twelve other people in America have done so. The artists would be better off making all of their panels look like panel two: wordless collections of random people staring at you with dead eyes.

Speaking of dead eyes, Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp is horning into Funky Winkerbean territory, waiting to hear back on the results of some chronic and inspiring illness that she’s been so busy dealing with that she can’t beat some sense into her feuding softball team. Evidentially she doesn’t want to hear what the doctor has to say, as she’s put the earpiece of her phone outside her hair and halfway back her skull.

Luann, 5/8/07

I don’t want to say that Luann’s plots should feature explicit, hardcore, toon-on-toon sex, but … wait, do I want to say that? No, no, I don’t. But I do want them to stop acting like the characters are screwing or fooling around or kissing or having meaningful non-platonic relationships when they so clearly are not. If you had seen this strip out of context, you’d assume that Tiffany had come down to the fire station and hurled herself at Brad, and that they had gotten it on in the back of the ambulance, or at least made out for a while. Instead, what actually happened is that she ran her fingers up his tie and made several double entendres. The end. And now, Luann is going to freak. Because she’s in the Taliban or something and Tiffany has polluted her brother with her harlot fingers. It makes no God damned sense at all.

Also, Brad made some reference to previously having a girlfriend, by which he could only be referring to his totally pretend not-relationship with Toni Daytona. Which means that Brad has no idea what a “girlfriend” actually is, which I do find kind of plausible, now that I think about it.

On a different subject, many of you cruelly mocked recent maybe-widow and smooth corporate operator Heather Avery for having a pig nose in today’s Rex Morgan, M.D. But faithful reader bobbaloo (aka bob byrd) took a more charitable view: he thinks her nose just became detached from its moorings and accidentally flipped upside-down. Behold his correction! (The original is on the right.)

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Herb and Jamaal, 5/7/07

I had pretty much written off the constant ambient friction between Herb and his mother-in-law as a true-to-life but still lame-as-narrative depiction of intergenerational extended family dynamics … that is, until today, when we get to see her relaxing over a smoldering cup of something or other and smiling blissfully as she reflects on the deaths of everyone else in her demographic cohort. I’m assuming that she probably killed all of them off one by one in single combat, a là the Highlander saga. THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

I’m curious about the implement in her hand in panel two. If that’s supposed to be a toothbrush, I sure hope she can unhinge her jaw.

Sally Forth, 5/7/07

Cinematic foreshadowing alert: At the big banquet that will follow another inevitable losing season for Team Forth, Ted is going to beat his coaching nemesis to death with that bat.

Slylock Fox, 5/7/07

A lot of people hate on the obscure clues in Slylock Fox, but you know what? Not all mysteries are there to make you feel good and clever when you solve them. Sometimes they should challenge your brain, or even introduce you to new knowledge that you can take with you. Kids gotta learn the difference between oil-based paint and water-based paint sometime; why not in this harmless context, rather than during the brutal entrance exams for that elite private preschool you’ve got your eye on?

I’m more concerned about this strip’s relentless class-based hatred. Sure, Shady is nothing but Poor Shrew Trash, as you can tell by his broken window, prominently displayed sock, discarded chicken leg and fish skeleton, and various dark-nook-inhabiting beasties. But hey, he’s trying to get his house as nice looking as his neighbors with his latex paint, all right? The fact that the “good” neighbor is an elephant just makes the strip’s heavy-handed pro-Republican agenda more obvious.

By the way, don’t frogs breathe through their skin? Our aggrieved critter is going to be comically indignant for another minute or so, and then drop dead.

Mark Trail, 5/7/07

Sam Sam Sam Samantha Sam Sam Sam SAMANTHA Sam Sam Sam Sam Samantha Sam Sam Sam Samantha Hill Sam sam (Sam sam SAM HILL Sam) SAM Samantha Sam, Sam, Sam Hill, Sam largest breasts and bust-to-waist ratio ever to appear in Mark Trail Sam Sam Sam SAM.

Speaking of large breast-to-waist ratios: Pibgorn returns May 14th, and will be appearing at gocomics.com (aka the Universal Press Syndicate’s Web site). More information can be found on the Internet — specifically, the Brooke McEldowney’s blog part of the Internet.

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Another Sunday night, another dementedly funny comment of the week!

“I sincerely hope, but doubt, that the fine folks behind Apartment 3-G are hardcore enough to have Luann just die unspectacularly. Then Tommie would kill herself, and Margo would attend both funerals wearing a blue overcoat and a completely indifferent look. She might even boo a little.” –Tats

(This marks what I believe is an unprecedented two-week run for Tats! To prove that no favoritism is involved, I didn’t even notice that Tats had repeated until I went to update the code that puts the quote on the site. Well-played!)

And another dementedly funny list of runners up!

“Why is Dick Tracy giving a thumbs-down in panel two? Has killing the bad guy gotten so routine he now rates their deaths, and decided that Queenie diving headfirst into the exhaust pipe of a tug boat just doesn’t thrill him like it used to? Damn, Dick. Take a week or two of vacation and get your joy in the horrible demise of others back.” –smacky

“I really don’t think Jughead has anything to worry about. His bachelorhood is basically guaranteed as long as he keeps wearing that hat.” –ChefMike

“‘Rex takes his time…’ It’s the strip’s mission statement”. –PTrig

“Mark Trail: It’s like some kind of glorious triptych of deformity.” –Trilobite

“A rockslide begins with the fall of a single pebble. An avalanche starts with a sharp noise. An evening of pig sex that results in a lifetime of herpes and child support payments begins with a single peppermint schnapps. And so, with LizardBreath’s mention of Anthony, begins our delicious misery.” –willethompson

“Aw, c’mon, folks. We all knew this was coming. Liz and the ’Stache will get married right before Lynn transitions the strip to its frozen-in-time state and we’ll get to see them raise his little girl 4Eva. At least until the strip becomes about the talking dog. And we all know that every comic strip eventually becomes about a talking dog.” –mattt

“It’s a good thing that Rusty didn’t offer to take pictures yesterday when Mark and Cherry were getting their LoFo freak on. The result would have been a photographic mess with inflexible torsos and stiffly awkward limbs sticking out all over the place, sort of like if you disrobed a Barbie doll and a Ken doll and smacked them together.” –Paperback Rifler

“Actually, Cedric appears to be slamming the butlermobile into high gear as he smirks that he’s afraid of ‘growing old.’ Manual transmission, fear of loss of sexual potency, and younger women: it’s the official midlife crisis anvil.” –Jill Smith

“Several previous quotes from Michael on this site have made me think, ‘Oh, surely he didn’t say THAT.’ And then I visit the Foob site and find out he did. Gaah! Much as I fear and avoid (DT)GT, at least Clambake doesn’t write a letter every month.” –Poteet

“Check out Vexed Morgan, MD, in panel two, savoring his revenge — a dish best served cold … and sticky.” –SecretMargo

“Lovely office? Lovely? It’s two bookcases full of files with his bowling trophy and an award plaque from the association of loser Canadian CPAs and a model of a car that manufacturers give to dealers by the thousands. It’s a soul-sucking place, which is why Granthoy is so happy there. A normal human being would be drinking bourbon through a straw inside of a week.” –Professor Fate

“WANTED: Female accountant for an unbelievably expanding auto dealership chain. Must have plot device experience.” –Mibbitmaker

“I think ‘A nice girl’ and ‘We get along well’ is code for, ‘She is receptive to my unwanted, inappropriate sexual advances at work. Oh, and I told her she’d lose her job if she didn’t come with me.'” –martin

“I think we’re all forgetting the dark horse in this race: Gap-Toothed Starey ‘Hoooo!’ Guy. We all know GTSHG is the way to go. He’s personable, has a minimum of two actual friends, is jovial, and, um … thinks sex is funny? I don’t know where I was headed with this.” –Spoony Bard

“Gosh, I can’t think of anything more entertaining, more adventurous than following Mark along as he goes from office to office. Each day I wonder, ‘What will the desk look like?’ ‘Will there be any artwork on the walls?’ ‘Will I be able to spot a pencil sharpener or stapler lurking around?’ And, most importantly, ‘What sort of hairstyle and facial hair will Mark discover today?’ I’m so glad that Mark Trail is available to ‘guide’ me through the fascinating world of White Collar, White Man America.” –Laura Jane

“Lu Ann isn’t really dying; she always gets a bit panicky when she’s drowsy. Sleep is a confusing and frightening process for the terminally dense.” –Theominousoat

“This Roger Avery is making Heather look like a savvy business veteran. This idiot is planning to steal the corporation from his own stepmother and the sum total of his research on her is asking the moron driver who couldn’t even find his own car about her? And he believes every word of it? He’d have lasted about five minutes as Chairman of the Board before somebody bought his shares for a handful of magic beans.” –Dave H

“‘In the Restaurant of the Young’ — isn’t that a Raymond Carver short story? That would explain the waiter’s naked contempt, the blank walls, and the fact that the girl is a double amputee.” –Jim Anderson

And another opportunity to show some love to our advertisers:

• Bobbie Faye’s Very (very, very, very) Bad Day: This southern-fried, laugh-out-loud caper is “pure adrenaline!”
• 28 Weeks Later: The follow up to “28 Days Later” picks up 6 months after the virus has annihilated Britain. The rage virus is not dead and the fight for survival begins!

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