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Judge Parker, 3/28/23

Look, we’ve had a lot of dragged-out and sometimes baffling emotional processing between these two over the past few years, and I for one am not ready for them to sheepishly admit that they probably should never have broken up in the first place. I am grudgingly prepared to allow for an eventual reconciliation so long as Abbey’s “find[ing] out what [she] want[s]” involves a voyage of sexual exploration across the great state of whatever state Cavelton is in that lasts at least through the summer.

Daddy Daze, 3/28/23

I was about to say that the Daddy Daze baby has finally figured out the central joke of the Daddy Daze comic strip, which is that the Daddy Daze daddy “repeats” everything the Daddy Daze baby “says” so that we at home can understand it, but of course the baby hasn’t figured anything out at all; he’s an infant and all his various “ba”s really are just pre-verbal babbling. No, what actually happened is that the Daddy Daze daddy has decided to get increasingly meta with his bit, which really is a product of his desperately lonely and increasingly unhinged mind. The baby can’t understand you, man! And you can’t understand him either! You’re talking to nobody!

Beetle Bailey, 3/28/23

Beetle Bailey has been slowly adding more rounded characterization to Zero of all people over the past few years: we’ve learned that in addition to being very stupid, he’s a farm boy and also a terrifyingly accurate killer. He’s also a teetotaler, I guess? Adding this information to the file [I open an enormous file cabinet next to my desk and pull out a folder labeled BEETLE BAILEY CHARACTERS M-Z]

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/27/23

SMASH CUT TO: a group of furious middle-aged cruise-goers dangling “Mud Mountain” Murphy off the side of the ship, threatening to let him drop into the sea unless he “plays the god-damned hits.”

Gasoline Alley, 3/27/23

SMASH CUT TO: The children all being trampled to death by Brig. Gen. Fitzhugh Lee’s Confederate cavalry division on day three of the Battle of Gettysburg, while Ida Knoe the evil doll sits in a tree, grinning down at them.

Shoe, 3/27/23

Ha ha, it’s funny because Skyler’s grim, depressing home life occasionally crosses over the line separating neglect from abuse!

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Hi and Lois, 3/26/23

Hi, you are … 45 years old, tops? You are probably never going to become a famous guitar player but you absolutely can still write a novel and, since the main barrier stopping most people from travelling around the world is money, as a comfortably middle-class adult you are probably closer to achieving that dream than you’ve ever been in your life. Are you … are you dying, Hi? Are you dying soon? Is this your way of softening the blow when you tell Lois that she’s about to be widowed?

Beetle Bailey, 3/26/23

I’m sorry, I didn’t speak up loudly enough years back when Beetle Bailey eased into its ongoing “Beetle and Miss Buxley are dating, by the way,” thing, and I strongly feel like I have to nip this in the bud. The whole point of the dynamic between Sargents Snorkel and Lugg is that she’s into him and it’s not reciprocated. I don’t care what headcanon you have about it — that he’s gay and secretly in love with Beetle, or that he’s asexual, or that he’s straight and interested in a relationship in general but simply doesn’t have romantic feelings for her — but doing a whole strip where Sarge really puts forth a lot of effort to be appealing on a date with her is a direct affront to every longtime Beetle Bailey reader.

Family Circus, 3/26/23

Jeffy is definitely puking his guts out all over the bed, right? That’s the joke here? That Billy got distracted and now Jeffy is plastering their room with barf?

Six Chix, 3/26/23

It’s springtime, everyone! Thought about beautifying your home by tearing a family apart lately?