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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/22

If you went back from the Funkypresent to the Funkypast with a medically minded mission, you would probably tell young Lisa to get frequent breast cancer screenings and also to make sure all her providers triple-check the paperwork on her tests, because you’re a damn sentimentalist. Me? I’d be doing some research on what happened to all the Funkyverse’s kids’ skulls during their young adulthood. Seriously, look at teen Lisa! She has no chin to speak of! Young adult Lisa? A small but distinctly pointy little chin! Maybe she got one of those chin implants in the ’80s that turned out to be carcinogenic?

Shoe, 4/17/22

Just a reminder that while the bird-world of Shoe may be similar to ours in matters of religion, its employment landscape is very different. For instance, in this universe, the government as an entire agency dedicated to creating terrible puns that annoy everyone, funded by bird tax dollars! Honestly, this is the world I want to live in, I don’t care if I have to walk carefully along tree limbs to get anywhere, just get me one of those sweet, sweet punemployment jobs with a good punsion.

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Dustin, 4/16/22

Look, I’m not saying there shouldn’t be a comic strip that makes fun of young people who move back in with their parents. We already have strips that make fun of the army, old minor league baseball pitchers who never make the big leagues and end up driving a school bus for a living well past retirement age, and vikings. I’m just saying that if you’re going to write a comic strip strip that makes fun of young people who move back in with their parents, you should have some idea of how young people operate in the world, or at least an editor willing to send you notes like “Young people in the year 2022 do not as a rule wear suits on first dates, particularly on dates where a venue has not been decided on in advance.”

Rhymes With Orange, 4/16/22

It’s Holy Saturday, folks, and your friends at Rhymes With Orange are to remind you not to jerk off onto the Easter eggs, no matter how much you want to.

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Is it Friday? Is it time for the comment of the week? You better believe it buster!

“Toby is wearing two black armbands: one for her job, one for her marriage.” –Joe Blevins

Is it time for the runners up, too? Heck yeah, buddy!

” Superman has his ‘Fortress of Solitude.’ This guy chills in the ‘Fortress of Decrepitude.’” –Pozzo

“We have tons of gritty and realistic reboots of Batman where the guy with limitless finances, superhuman intellect and peak physical condition has access to gadgets well beyond normal technology — superhero without superpowers my ass! So it’s nice to see a gritty and realistic reboot where the superhero will die from the infected bite of a meth head.” –Ettorre

“Criminals will be dealt brute justice by this dark, gritty Charles Nelson Reilly.” –Donny Ferguson, on Twitter

“Big mistake, one Dick Tracy appearance absorbs you fully into the Tribune Cinematic Universe. You can never die now, Gasoline Alley might end, but Skeezix is condemned to an eternal half-life alongside Brenda Starr, Little Orphan Annie, and whoever else the syndicate has got knocking around. Li’l Abner? Terry and the Pirates? Maybe the Love Is… couple can do a cameo getting arrested for indecent exposure.” –Dan

“What is that piece of paper Jughaid’s casually pushing toward Miz Carter? A warning? A ransom note for Miz Prunelly? A list of supplies needed to survive in that impassable tangle of desks? The cold, dead eyes of the children and their lifeless smiles tell us nothing other than the fact that Hootin’ Holler is now the Village Of The Damned.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

“If you’ve ever wondered what the start of the zombie apocalypse in the Newnited States might look like, well, it involves students who are just happy to receive the attention, the sweet undivided attention, of the teacher, or any adult, really. Tomorrow, they will feast on human flesh, or be feasted upon. Today, they receive emotional validation!” –pastordan

“It’s Westview. After you get married you get to have ‘you know’ (cancer).” –nescio

“I really want to know more about Gregg Hamm, the legally blind 50-year-old high school student who drinks coffee out of a solid gold mug. What’s his backstory, do you think?” –Effluvius Erratus

“Wait! I actually get married and have … you know … ? some kind of extensive reconstructive surgery that explains why nothing about our faces is even remotely similar even though we’re allegedly the same person? Am I in witness protection? Do they radically reshape your skull for that where you’re from? The future sounds cool!” –Shoe Substitutes

“I resent that today’s Crankshaft gave the titular crank the last word. I would’ve rather it just ended on Lillian telling him he’s irritating. In fact, in place of a ‘joke,’ I’d love it if from now on Crankshaft ended with another character telling him ‘You’re annoying,’ ‘No one likes you,’ ‘We all want you dead,’ ‘You suck,’ etc.” –jenna

“At first this looks like just a harmless pun, but if you look closer at Leroy’s mouth you’ll see that he’s belching that entire sentence.” –pugfuggly

“FFS, if your superhero name is going to be ‘The Street Sweeper‘ at least wear some coveralls and a high visibility vest instead of dressing like a two bit private dick. Batman’s not out there fighting crime in a polo and khakis. No, no matter how impractical the costume is, he’s wearing the goddamned gimmick with pride.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“What am I gonna do with this broom? I’ll tell you. I’m going to mildly annoy you with it, but not in a manner that will even so much as interrupt your ability to address me in complete sentences.” –Not Greg Evans

“Before I had a kid, I might have been mildly amused by that Family Circus. Now that I have a kid, I’m just shocked and dismayed they had the audacity to bring 4 (4!) (4!!!!!) kids to an art museum. It would have been less annoying for the other patrons if they had let loose rabid ocelots.” –jerp+jump

“[Smash cut to Ian taking an extended sip from a tea cup] ‘Welllll, wellllll, welllll’” –Kevin On Earth

“Billy seethes as Bil tries to put a positive spin on a bad situation. ‘This restraining order doesn’t mention the post-Carolingian downtown annex specifically.’” –Hibbleton

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