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Mary Worth, 12/13/21

Oh, man, the Wilbur-Estelle reunion doesn’t look to be a dream or a fantasy sequence, just a sad testimonial to what happens in our society when a lovely woman in late middle age who’s been unlucky in love just decides to give up. But there’s still one last line of defense, and that’s Libby, who’s going to have to resist whatever charms Wilbur brought from ALL PE7S and instead spend her evening pissing everywhere he might even be thinking about sitting. Piss, Libby! Piss with all your might!

Dennis the Menace, 12/13/21

I absolutely love how angry Henry is at this piece of furniture before he’s even gotten it out of his trunk. Like, most of us maintain a veneer of optimism about our Ikea purchases until we spread the different parts all over the floor and panic starts setting it. Not Henry, though! This wasn’t his choice, but it is his punishment. I guess I know I’m an adult because I know that whether or not Dennis hears some swears tonight isn’t the main storyline happening here, not by a long shot.

Beetle Bailey, 12/13/21

I know I said I wasn’t doing the “Sarge and Beetle are lovers” bit anymore, but the strip doesn’t make it easy on me sometimes, you know?

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/13/21

Ah, it’s nice to see Snuffy and Doc Pitchart share a hearty, good-natured laugh! They both know that there are no circumstances under which Snuffy is going to pay his bill.

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Shoe, 12/12/21

I honestly, and shamefully, would be down for Shoe to mine for laffs the relationship between Treetops’ one newspaper and its (presumably) one local television station. In such a small community of bird-journalists, one assumes that there’s a certain amount of social mixing going on, which probably includes an uncomfortable portion of slovenly print journalists harboring lustful feelings for the more camera-ready TV types. So I’m disappointed that this is all just a setup for a “hot air mass” punchline, and am all the more disappointed that said punchline is delivered in a way that doesn’t really make sense. Shouldn’t Shoe be saying “Watch out, she’ll recognize…” or something like that? In his defense, I guess, he’s probably pretty drunk.

Dennis the Menace, 12/12/21

Dennis truly menaces us today by illustrating that whatever high-minded beliefs we have about living in a functioning society as enlightened beings who work towards the greater good, in truth it is only “the Santa clause” — that is, the belief that correct actions will be materially rewarded and transgressions punished — that keeps us from degenerating into a state of total anarchy.

Dustin, 12/12/21

Welp, looks like you can add Dustin’s parents to the list of comic strip characters who fuck that I assume you diligently maintain. I take no pleasure in reporting this.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/11/21

GTV8 ANCHOR BRYCE NEWMARK: Tonight’s top story: One local big sister, previously believed to be “basically OK,” has now been discovered to be “a big ol’ jerk.” Chad?

REPORTER CHAD HARRINGTON: That’s correct, Bryce. Sources on the ground have determined that this elder sibling, far from being “all right I guess” or even just “whatever,” is in fact “a big ol’ jerk.” We’re probing more deeply into this story and will keep you appraised of developments

NEWMARK: Is it possible that the big sister question is actually “a total doody head”?

HARRINGTON: We don’t have any solid information on that point yet. But a lot of our sources are definitely pointing in that direction.

NEWMARK: Say, wasn’t there something involving a comic book about a police cat in this story somewhere?

HARRINGTON: Maybe, but literally who cares!

[EVERYONE IN THE STUDIO LAUGHS]

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/21

Look, I don’t feel like explaining what’s happening in Gasoline Alley and you frankly don’t want to sit through the explanation, but just trust me when I say that the sudden presence of a sinister, grinning talking doll that says things like “Where do you want to go?” and “What’s the hold up?” when innocent children get nervous about the promise to transport them across time and space via dark magic came very much out of nowhere and I am here for it.