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Mary Worth, 7/7/24

For months now, I’ve been pretty disappointed that what I thought was going to be an incredible story about Dawn attempting to bond with the mother that rejected her actually ended up being a story about how Wilbur was utterly wrecked emotionally by the death of his goldfish. But I have to admit that it’s very funny, after weeks of watching Wilbur get emotionally wrecked by the death of his goldfish only to finally admit that he was mostly just bummed about his ex-girlfriend, to see Dawn reappear and say “Hey, remember when my mother pushed me out of her life, one of the more traumatizing things a young person can go through, only to call me up a few weeks ago in an attempt to emotionally reconnect? Well, it turns out she thinks I’m boring and lame and has pushed me out of her life again. Ha ha! So, what’s been up with you, dad? Anything happen to you on that level of trauma?” This whole dinner he’s going to be saying to himself “Don’t mention the fish … don’t mention the fish … don’t mention fish” and then as soon as there’s a moment of silence to fill he’ll blurt out “So the fish died and I stopped showering for like two weeks.”

Hi and Lois, 7/7/24

Meanwhile, here’s some successful fatherhood from Hi and Lois! Hi has turned his back on his job to enrich the lives of one of his children. What do you suppose happened to the other three? Did they decide their lives were sufficiently enriched and that they’d rather their dad worked hard so he could get a promotion and buy them more stuff instead? Or have they simply left town with their mother, never to return, leaving the two duds in the family behind?

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Blondie, 7/6/24

I can’t believe I’ve lived long enough to become the kind of nostalgist who says things like, “Remember when this legacy comic was only 75 years into its run and still had a spark of whimsy in it, unlike today when it’s 95 years in and every panel lacks any joy whatsoever?”, but: remember when this comic used to give its ancillary characters fun names like “Glambaster?” Whereas now everyone is just named the most on-the-nose thing you can think of. Oh, is “Barbie Babewelder” a beautiful woman, like a Barbie doll brought to life? Is Hank Hunkerman a big, hunky man, guaranteed to delight any woman who looks his way when he has his shirt off? To be fair, today’s strip does show that Blondie is continuing to provide the valuable service of giving non-senior-citizens insight into what boomers are up to online. It’s unsettling that the answer is “using neighborhood drama Facebook groups to get horny,” but sometimes the truth is disturbing and we need to face it.

Gasoline Alley, 7/6/24

Speaking of legacy comic strips and how old they are, Gasoline Alley is so old that it has a recurring rude salesman character based on the recurring rude salesman character from the Jack Benny Show that Frank Nelson played in the 1940s and ’50s. This is a character that I, a 49-year-old man, was only able to identify because The Simpsons parodied him 25 years ago. This comic strip is real old, in other words! So I guess this raises the question of: who is this running bit for, exactly? Well, I guess it’s for me, and most of you, if you’re reading this, so let’s just enjoy it.

Dennis the Menace, 7/6/24

Speaking of legacy comic strips, and how old they are, remember when you could have a whole character who’s big deal was “Imagine if a family moved to the suburbs … and they were Italian! Pretty crazy, huh?” Some of you would say “You couldn’t do that today, because the PC police would stop you from making a big deal about Italians living in the suburbs, and also lots of Italians live in the suburbs now,” but check it out! Dennis the Menace is still doing it, literally today!

Beetle Bailey, 7/6/24

[Reads panel one] So they’re going into town for a chili cook-off. Cookie probably made the chili, so that’s why he’s going, but what’s Sarge’s role in all this? [Reads panel two] Ah, he’s one of the judges. That makes sense. Now to move on to the third and final panel for the punchline. [Sees there’s no panel three] Huh. Huh.

Mary Worth, 7/6/24

Wilbur’s Google search history for the past few minutes:

fish DNA
clone fish
clone fish by mail
do clones remember you
clone fish illegal
how to erase google search history

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Would you like a comment of the week for your long holidy weekend, or perhaps your one-day return to work, or perhaps you don’t even live in America or have a job? Well here it is, whatever your circumstances:

“They may have gotten the font wrong, but at least they still used a banner headline, which is what newspapers do for stories of mildly passing interest.” –Missal

Your runners up are also here for you to enjoy!

“Marvin’s recent shift to speaking instead of just thought-bubbling was weird, but developmentally made sense. But narratively this means everyone has to talk now, including the animals, and I don’t really like the implications of this. It takes things from ‘Magical realist whimsy about the inner lives of children and animals’ to ‘Cats are intelligent and have declared economic war on mankind with their only weapon: shitting.’” –Schroduck

“Mary, meanwhile, pays her respects by mournfully grabbing Jeff’s ass. Considering that she hooked up with one of her many suitors at his mother’s passing, it’s clear that funerals really get the ol’ gal going. No wonder she was so eager to arrange all this dead fish silliness: If she can spice up her stagnant love life with the deathly pallor of eroticism, she’ll happily put up with Wilbur’s blathering about ‘closure’ or whatever.” –2+2=7

“You’d think given how much newspaper cartoonists love golf at least one of them would put in the effort to work out what hands look like when holding a golf club.” –Veronica

“There are a lot of extremely nasty and unhealthy relationships in the comics, some of which are even noticed by the cartoonists who make them. The Halftracks’ marriage has always been in the mix, but this vaults them from the low-boiling comfortable contempt of the Lockhorns up to just south of the outright substance abuse and domestic violence of the Thurstons and Capps. Sure, Mrs. Halftrack hasn’t taken to ‘humorously’ beating her husband yet, but she has reached the point of abject hatred where every single thing her husband does infuriates her and prompts her to aggressively impose her will over him. Grim stuff. Almost as grim as a cartoon that thinks a drawing of a putting green makes for a serviceable comedic punchline.” –jroggs

Hi and Lois having another strip about golf: Stop this, no one but cartoonist cares about golf! Hi and Lois having a strip where they are having a mental breakdown and need to be held: Stop this, I don’t want this to be relatable!” –Ettore Costa, on Bluesky

“[Stellan floating head approaches] Mary: [shakes head] [Stellan floating head recedes]” –Kevin on Earth

“3/15/2024: The National Association of Realtors announces a settlement ending their standard 6% commission. 7/1/2024: Lois experiences a very bad day. Coincidence? Probably. Grim? Oh my, yes. [Chortles darkly]” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“Nice of this strip to show the perils of making a phone call while on the can.” –taig

“The print media pool has shrunk so much in Milford that the newspaper doesn’t even bother putting their name on the banner. Which newspaper? The news paper. You know the one.” –pugfuggly

“It’s nice to see Gil worrying if he held his ex-wife back as he sits there comfortably reading the newspaper while his new girlfriend cooks his breakfast for him.” –Tabby Lavalamp

Clover Wins First Championship, Sedge Takes Second, Moss a Distant Third, Grass a Surprising Last in National Groundcover Competition” –Voshkod

“My sympathies lie with the Dad in the background who clearly doesn’t want to be there and who’s about to get an earful from his wife as he hands his kid a stick of cotton-candy by the spun sugar end.” –Hibbleton

“I would not call slipping into a deep depression after the loss of a goldfish a quirk.” –Liam

“Dolly stares with cool curiosity. ‘These humans experience violent distress,’ she thinks. ‘I can turn this to my advantage.’ She’s packed more menace into this look than Dennis has accomplished in seventy-plus years.” –matt w

“Walt is canonically 124 years old and still both mentally sharp and able to stand on his own. He should be making millions from all the scientists studying him for the secrets to immortality. $7,000 is a pittance compared to that.” –The Ghost of Jarrod

“Mr. Huff? Glenwood Police Department here. We want to let you know that we’ve recovered the missing sleeves from your undershirt, as well as the missing ‘g’ from the word ‘calling’ whose elision by you, together with the undershirt you’re wearing, identify you unmistakably as a cartoon member of the Exposition Lower Classes.” –Bob Tice

“So Randy’s problems are environmental AND hereditary: a brutish father and a genetic predisposition to crew cuts.” –MKay

“The first guy here appears to be drinking a shark smoothie, which he blended up in his Bass-o-Matic. Meanwhile, the other guy is sipping pure shark’s blood through a straw, which is how you know he’s a rage-aholic weirdo. We can only hope a shark attacks both of them out of pure revenge, but it’s more likely we’ll just get three more months of two-person dialogue scenes, which are far easier to draw.” –BigTed

“The right way to celebrate our independence was to ditch Wilbur.” –Little Blue Bicycle

“I want to hear the rest of this kid’s tight five. How many more questions does he have in that chamber? ‘Which one was funnier — Lewis or Clark? What was Jamestown really like? Were you a bigger fan of the Angles, Saxons, or Jutes? What are your thoughts on people who sell bad copper?’” –els

“In the world of Hagar the Horrible, they have window glass and chef’s costuming (kerchief, spatula, chef’s hat), but nobody can hem a goddamn shirt sleeve.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

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