Is laughter the best medicine? Scientists and doctors say it definitely is not, but the FDA hasn’t banned the hilarious runners up yet, so we’re going to give them to you:
“Between the title in the first throwaway panel, the coloring, and those glinty lines, it really does look like Dennis’s nose nuggets are meant to be taken as literal gold. I guess Henry wants Dennis to save his golden boogers for later in life. They’re as much of a retirement fund as he’ll ever have.” –Artist formerly known as Ben
“NO! You did NOT earn that self-satisfied smirk, lady! Sure, it’s the Funkyverse and everyone thinks they’re a word play genius, but this isn’t even word play. Unless I’m mistaken and that look is just because you enjoy another human’s misery, then please, continue on.” –Tabby Lavalamp
“‘I cooked it the same as always. With extra salt, because we live in a desert and people need extra salt to counter what they lose to perspiration. Huh, those guys are looking at geese. Strange to see them so far south, and not near any water source.’ –Thrilling True Life Tales of Crock will continue!” –Voshkod
“[In announcer voice:] Tessi sees her opening and GOES FOR IT, pretending to care about Vic so he’ll give her a cool nickname and elevate her to stardom! Vic feints AND BLOCKS, saddling her with ‘The Contessa’ instead! This strip knows how the game is played! … Wait, I’m getting a message from our producer. Quick clarification, fans: That game is psychological one-upmanship, to be clear, and NOT basketball, about which Gil Thorp remains largely uninterested. We regret any confusion.” –Doctor Moreau
“Beetle is giving Sarge the gift of an AWOL charge, which will get him dishonorably discharged and out of Sarge’s life forever, save for when he testifies at the military tribunal.” –Sideshow Jon
“A mixtape! [Wait a minute, cassettes are no longer in use! Do young people use something equivalent? Probably, let’s keep it generic] A music mix!” –Ettorre
“My theory is that the two people in front are with the SEC. It turns out that Leroy has been wearing a wire in a lot of the interactions we see with his co-workers, who are going down for insider trading. Leroy has been useful to them, but that doesn’t mean they have to listen to him go on about his horrible home life.” –Tom T.
“I’m looking forward to the day a tongue specialist comes to Hootin’ Holler and repairs everyone’s problems. It’s obvious not a soul was born with a normal sized tongue; think of all the drool that will be eliminated and the danger of slipping and falling taken away!” –Randy Richter
“Leroy has decided that wearing ballet shoes everywhere was too subtle, and has escalated to outright bragging about his agility.” –A Concerned Reader
“I can’t help but wonder why we’re all so focused on the heteronormative dating that no one is asking what ‘the movies’ look like in this neck of the woods. I assume they set out a lantern and watch moths fly around it.” –Old School Allie Cat
“Saul: ‘Good. Keep going.’
Eve: ‘To my therapist, you mean?’
Saul: ‘Well, yeah. But also, just keep saying stuff. I’ve run out of conversation on my end.’” –Joe Blevins
“Skyler got the definition of irony from that famous bird philosopher, Avianis Morissette.” –BigTed
“Jeff, you’ll know the way every Keane has known since the dawn of time: when your parents tell you which girl they’ve bought from her parents with 10 goats and 2 talents of gold.” –Dread
“There is a cop in Milford town
They call the Rising Sun.
And he’s been the ruin of many a poor boy
But Doug Guthrie, he ain’t one.” –But What Do I Know?
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