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Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/26/20

When I was a kid, presumably after I had burned through the entire Encyclopedia Brown corpus, I got way into T*A*C*K, a series of children’s’ books that made so little impact on our collective cultural memory that it doesn’t even have a Wikipedia article, just one on TV Tropes. The books featured four kids who solved … not mysteries, exactly; more like petty real-life annoyances, through puzzle-logic that would be familiar to anyone reading Slylock Fox. Though I’m sure I read all four books, I only actually remember two of the stories in any detail: one where the little brother of one of the protagonists was at a sleepover at someone’s house and there was a cat there and he was allergic but had forgotten his medicine at home and didn’t have a key (the kid loved cats and it made him so sad and as I cat-loving kid I felt very bad for him; I do not remember how the mystery was solved) and one where two characters are arguing over how to fairly cut up a birthday cake, with the proposed solution — one person cuts the cake and the other chooses a piece — being functionally identical to the one proposed here. Anyway, the actual answer to the question posed is that these artifacts belong in a museum, and if our two treasure hunters deliver them to the nearest undersea archaeologists together, they’ll be able to equally share the pride in doing the right thing, which is an infinite resource for those who deserve it.

The Lockhorns, 1/26/20

A lot of Leroy and Loretta’s gripes about each other are exaggerated and performative, but I always assumed there’s a grain of truth to it when Loretta belittles Leroy for not making enough money. That was before I found out they took a vacation to Niagara Falls, Rome, Venice, Scotland, and Greece, though.

Family Circus, 1/26/20

Wait, who’s the dead dude in yellow crawling around on a cloud listening to the prayers of other people’s grandkids? Since his soul is in Paradise, forever in the radiance of our Creator Himself, doesn’t he have literally an infinite number of better things to do?

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Shoe, 1/25/20

I’m having a hard time figuring out if Shoe doing a joke about plagiarism that rips off another widely circulated joke is ironic on purpose or ironic accidentally.

Mark Trail, 1/25/20

OH NO MARK TRAIL IS FINALLY GOING TO LEARN WHAT “SEX” IS

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It’s your comment of the week, everyone! Go ahead and enjoy — you’ve earned it!

“Looking forward to ten years from now, when none of us will remember a time that the strip was not called [small, perfunctory lettering] Rex Morgan and [large colorful logotype] GOOD OL’ AUNT TILDY.” –Old Man Muffaroo

Your runners up are also a warm bath of funny that you should let yourself luxuriate in:

“If there’s one thing this nurse and doctor can’t stand, it’s having uncomfortable conversations.” –BigTed

“A Woman, politely: ‘This is fun!’ Mason: ‘Actually, we’re here for business!’ Mason: [does something bizarre] A Woman, politely: ‘That’s how Mason does business.’ Mason: ‘Actually, it’s also fun!’” –Aaron

“I just wanted to see them before … you know … before the Morgan genes kick in at puberty and turn them into stunning but emotionless robots.” –pugfuggly

“Characters in Mary Worth must always share laughs. They are rare in that world, rare and fleeting. Taking a whole one for yourself would be the ultimate act of greed.” –Everything Is Better with Monkeys

“Looks like Crankshaft will have to give Keesterman a swirly or two until he remembers who it is makes the terrible wordplay around here.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Of course Cayla is not jealous that her husband had sex with another woman decades before they were married. She just recoils in horror every time she thinks about Les having sex. Even with her. Especially with her. This makes her the most relatable character.” –Ettorre

“Women be shopping, and men be … dying slowly of chronic diseases, I guess.” –TheDiva

“What I like about the characters in Snuffy Smith is their overwhelming enthusiasm for just about everything. I can’t remember what my reaction was when I first learned about direct deposit, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t to yell, ‘Handy-dandy!!’” –Joe Blevins

“But seriously, folks: the pissier Rex gets, the more I love the strip. May his house be ever filled with pets and old people.” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“In a world of birds, I would think newspapers are prized. After all, you need a lot of newsprint to line the floor of your house, because you birds have cloacae and can’t really regulate your excretion. Yeah, that’s right. For all the times we’ve seen the Perfessor [sic] in his chair, you have to assume he’s sitting on a pile of crap so huge that the United States could claim it under the Guano Islands Act.” –Voshkod

“Almost 67 years ago, on March 1, 1953, Charles Schultz published a Peanuts comic about how Kids Today had never seen a rocking chair. Just in case you wondered if Dennis the Menace was keeping up with the times.” –matt w

“‘Marcell Irby controls the glass.’ OK, so maybe it’s not the greatest super-power ever, but at least maybe it will enable him to enclose his enemies in a terrarium of some sort, and it certainly beats ‘Peter Parker controls the sofa.’” –seismic-2

“I barely noticed Marvin in today’s Marvin. More of this, please.” –nescio

“This is pretty funny. Leather rules? Imagine making anything out of a material that can’t stand being constantly soiled! What kind of life would someone have, do you think, to be able to enjoy something like that? [sobs gently]” –pachoo

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