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Gil Thorp, 11/6/19

Aww, sweet injustice-hating Chance Macy nobly faked an injury so that his backup (who is the stepson of his antagonist) could get some playing time and a touchdown in a game where the Mudlarks were already way ahead. Could this guy get any more saintly? Looking forward to Chet getting unmasked and then dumped from the school board and then Charlie Roh’s mom divorces him and then he’s ritually burned to death in next year’s bonfire.

Mary Worth, 11/6/19

See, the difference between me and Wilbur is that if I were drunk and trying to needle a romantic rival about his name, the worst I could do is wonder why a woman would think she had honored a person with a totally normal name lke “Zachary” by giving her son the dumb misspelled name “Zak,” but Wilbur just went there with “Zachary fucked your mom, LOL,” huh? Anyway, shoutout to everyone who only just today discovered that “lovely but stern late-middle-aged woman jams a spring roll down a hapless doofus’s throat while a handsome man watches, smiling” is their primary fetish.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/6/19

“It was cold-blooded murder! I left those keys where I knew he would find them! And I’m not sorry! I’m not sorry at all!”

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 11/5/19

Ah, finally, the reason Silas wears a red armband makes sense: He’s a socialist, here to spread the word that the factotums of electoral democracy are in fact enslaved to capital. And if you’re wondering “why is a socialist the only person in Hootin’ Holler who runs a store,” it sounds like you’re unfamiliar with Marxist theory, which insists that a civilization must pass through all phases of economic development before it can achieve a truely classless society. Silas isn’t going to try dragging this barter-based agricultural community straight into the dictatorship of the proletariat like some kind of common Maoist!

Crock, 11/5/19

I’m just gonna ignore the “what if telemarketers, but in an ill-defined North African setting, where incidentally we’ve previously acknowledged that phones exist” joke here and focus instead on Maggot’s bib. Does it make any sense at all to wear a bib when you aren’t wearing a shirt? If you’re living in a tent in the desert with no running water to wash the food off your chest, maybe? I guess we should really factor in the fact that the bib matches Maggot’s skin color so precisely that it’s almost certainly made from the flesh of a member of his immediate family.

Mary Worth, 11/5/19

The best part about today’s episode of Wilbur’s Drunken Double Date Meltdown is Zak’s genuine smile in panel two. Not only is he (unsurprisingly) not even remotely threatened by Wilbur, but he’s enjoying this is as much as we are!

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Blondie, 11/4/19

I was going to say that Dagwood, who is apparently willing to stick his tongue into some sort of measuring/scanning apparatus and have the details of his mouth biology stored indefinitely in the cloud in order to prove his “loyalty” to a restaurant and get few percent knocked off his bill, represents the ultimate version of the modern human, willing to trade away his privacy for pennies. But then it occurred to me that restaurants could just do this with facial recognition, which makes me assume that this is actually just some kind of sick fetish idea on Dagwood’s part.

Mary Worth, 11/4/19

I fully expect that I’m going to be bringing you my close analysis of Wilbur’s Drunken Double Date multiple times this week. Today, as we learn that Zak does not subscribe to the cult of the grind prevalent among so many tech founders and game industry execs, we should pause and appreciate Wilbur’s facial expression in panel two, which is a pretty good illustration of a very, very drunk guy trying and almost succeeding in holding it together.

Dustin, 11/4/19

One of the core bits of Dustin lore that I already hate myself for knowing is that Dustin is a temp who gets assigned to generic white-collar office jobs from which he almost immediately gets fired because he sucks at them, but somehow his temp agency keeps finding him more work. Anyway, it’s definitely out of character for him to suddenly be given a job in the skilled trades, and I’d like to believe that it represents some narrative shift in the strip, but I’m assuming the cartoonist saw the phrase “Quick Lube” and thought, “Ha ha, you know who wouldn’t be quick at lubing things? That incompetent millennial Dustin!” We should probably be glad the strip ended up like this and not about sex stuff.

The Lockhorns, 11/4/19

My favorite thing about this strip is that Leroy has turned away from his wife and is heading into the bar while she narrates her disdain for him to some passerby. “Wife making mouth noises, but no time to process them,” he thinks. “Daylight waning, along with it opportunities for day drinking.”