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Dennis the Menace, 3/22/20

Do you think this lady, who’s acquainted with Mr. Wilson well enough to know his name but not well enough to know that he doesn’t have kids, is … hitting on him? Like, I guess I don’t know how suburban retirees flirt, but if you told me that complimenting each other’s lawns was a standard opening line, I would definitely believe it. Anyway, for once I actually like the fact that Dennis is being very pleasant and not menacing at all, because it makes Mr. Wilson come across like not just a cantankerous old coot but actively deranged.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/22/20

The previous iteration of the movie version of Lisa’s Story was going to be called Lust for Lisa, but now Mason is making it, which means it’s going to be “told the right way,” and it’s really only sinking in for me just how incredibly depressing that’s going to be. Like, we’ve all had 20 years to absorb this shit, but Mason is going to pack it all into two hours. Can you imagine the opening scene where Les and Lisa visit the Bethesda fountain (named after a healing fountain in the Bible, and used to good dramatic effect in an infinitely better work) and wish for Lisa to not die of cancer, and then she dies of cancer anyway? This is the level of darkness you expect from the most tiring of European art house films, and I for one can’t wait for everyone to hate it.

Panels from The Lockhorns, 3/22/20

One thing I sincerely respect is that The Lockhorns does nearly twice as many panels as any other single-panel strip, since instead of just running one giant panel for Sunday it does five little ones! Anyway, I genuinely enjoyed these two both on their own and in juxtaposition to one another, as they give us two different textures of intra-Lockhorn marital complaint: on the one hand, Leroy finds marriage to be, allegorically, like the worst kind of physical torture humanity has ever dreamed up, and on the other had it makes Loretta sad that Leroy is such a drunk.

Mary Worth, 3/22/20

Look, Dawn, Jared has seen things, OK? Life! …and death! He knows that he could go at any moment and he’s not going to go out having never awkwardly kissed a girl, damn it!

Panels from Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/22/20

“I never have to talk to your dumb aunt again, and now that I have a bunch of books to stick my nose in, I don’t have to talk to you for hours either! Win-win! See ya, don’t bother trying to have a conversation with me because I definitely won’t be listening.”

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Blondie, 3/21/20

We’ve all had our dark suspicions about Elmo’s home life, and why he spends so much time at the Bumsteads’ house. Today things hit rock bottom in Elmo’s family, and I for one am glad we were spared the spectacle of his mother drunkenly telling him to get out of the house with the rest of the garbage.

Mark Trail, 3/21/20

Oh, wow, who knew this trip was going to be a grim game show where one! … lucky! … orphan! … gets a FAMILY!!! Do you think the kids know? Probably not, because otherwise blondie here would be on better behavior! Ha ha, enjoy your gruel back at the orphanage, bully! Readers of Woods and Wildlife will be enjoying your tale as a moral cautionary example once Mark’s story drops!

Crankshaft, 3/21/20

Say what you will about the Funkyverse, but at least everyone in it is fully aware of how insufferable they all are. Well, I guess it’s more accurate to say that everyone is aware of how insufferable everyone else is, but not aware of their own particular brand of insufferability. In that sense it truly is a No Exit-style existentialist hell.

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Folks, if you’re spending time at home (and you should be if you don’t have a criticial job, gotta flatten that curve), why not get your human interaction out of the comment section on joshreads dot com? You’ll not only make online pals, you’ll also see comedic gems like this:

“First Rex schemes to have an elderly relative thrown out of his house, then he makes it plain to this person that he doesn’t want to tell this long story because he doesn’t want to spend time with him. When Covid-19 hits hard and we need a ruthless medical professional to decide how to ration life-saving medicine, Rex’s personality will be an asset.” –Ettorre

Your runners up are also hilarious enough to make you want to touch your face! (After properly washing your hands, of course.)

“Why is Mark’s face red as if he’s blushing? Maybe it’s the reference to an edible haypile, but you’d think that would go right over his head.” –nescio

“The comic strip Dustin should be called Am I Right, Folks? ‘How about these modern day coffee shops? Am I right, folks? They ask you your name so they can write it on the cup! We never had to do that in the old days! Am I right, folks? And most of the time, they spell your name wrong once you’ve told them! Am I right, folks? And what’s with all the terminology you have to learn, just to order a simple cup of joe? We never had to to that in the old days! Am I right, folks? And boy, are these places expensive! You have to make a down payment on a cup of coffee! We never had to do that in the old days! Am I right, folks? Huh? Am I right? Please tell me I’m right! PLEASE SAY THAT I’M RIGHT! I NEED TO HEAR THOSE EXACT WORDS!’” –Joe Blevins

“Apparently Summer checks to make sure that Les isn’t at home before she enters the house. This is the first case I can remember of someone in this strip actually behaving sensibly.” –seismic-2

“There’s another reason that they are fortunate to not be going to Italy. From the picture in the travel agents’ window, it seems to have been ripped out of the Earth’s crust and stood precariously on one end. The resulting death and destruction is a drastic way to deal with the pandemic, but perhaps effective.” –maarvarq

“I’m pretty sure that a fully mobile android capable of emotional expression could be better utilized for a plethora of more important jobs, but alas, its creator is forced to alter its programming in the hopes of winning money from an institution that thrives on greed and economic disparity, most likely in order to repay the excessive student loans that were necessary to graduate from MIT. And to top it all off, said creator has been forced to give her creation a mechanical bust and dress it in pearls, so that it meets the expectations of the male gaze. Damn, Six Chix is woke as fuck today.” –Mighty Sean Young

“Oh no! I accidentally set the robot’s mode to Poker Face (Lady Gaga)! Now she’ll be bluffin’ with her muffin! I’m not lying! She’s gonna be stunnin’ with her love glue gunnin’!” –Lionheart

Long story. Involves a distant relative of June’s. Oh, wait, he’s also my patient! I guess it isn’t that long a story at all, if you’re as lax with HIPAA regulations as I am.” –BigTed

“Interesting to see that the Google Eyes of Horror shows up in other bird-themed comics. In any event, I’m pretty sure that Mother Goose just realized that she forgot to put on her own pampers this morning and is probably ruining her skirt. Birds shit constantly.” –pugfuggly

“That punchline isn’t nearly as disturbing as the thousand-yard stare that accompanies the grim delivery of, ‘What do you have to do, Joyce?’ I say these bird women need to band (flock?) together, re-read Lysistrata, and foment some shit.” –Hopester

“Thank you, Six Chix and newspaper comics lead time, for reminding us of the eternal recurrence of things we enjoy like the first robin of spring and also baseball spring training, a thing that is totally happening now and going to cheer me up! (Kidding, I’m a Pirates fan, nothing about baseball cheers me up.)” –matt w

“Am I alone in reading ‘How do you know?’ as kind of insulting? Like, she brought up the word, and he doesn’t recognize it. But apparently that doesn’t mean it makes sense she would know what it is, and any such occurrence of book learnin’ demands immediate special explanation. What I’m saying is, maybe there’s another layer to her reminding him that she knows how to kill animals by stabbing them through the face.” –pachoo

“Today’s comic, making no sense in mummy or cooking or television terms, can be interpreted as a disguised plea from the cartoonist herself. ‘Can I get some help here?’ After all the criticism, she’s at last ready to sub-contract the artwork.” –Just John

“It’s like Home Alone, only instead of Looney Tunes-style slapstick there’s mild nagging.” –TheDiva

“I’m picturing all the steps that led to a mummy hosting a televised cooking show. Was it initially pitched for British mothers aka ‘mummies,’ but wires got crossed and it’s too late to turn back now? Or did a fast-talking producer burst into the studio head’s office and start sputtering ‘What’s the problem with cooking shows? I’ll tell ya what’s the problem with cooking shows — no thrills! So what do we have to do? I’ll tell ya what we have to do — make ’em scary! And what’s scarier than mummy? I’ll tell ya what’s scarier than a mummy — nothin’, that’s what!’ To which the studio head replied, ‘Sold!’” –Jenna

“Someday I hope to see WWII era posters with Mary Worth vigorously scrubbing doorknobs with coronavirus-fighting motivational slogans like: ‘I’m not getting sick on account of you filthy little shits.’” –Foodar

“Finally we get the crossover no one asked for as Mark meets the last living Katzenjammer Kid.” –Spunky The Wonder Squid

Remember, if you want to buy ads on this site and get a shoutout in these metaposts, head on over to my BuySellAds page! If you never want to see banner ads on this site, and get cool comment-editing features to boot, for a mere three dollars a month you can become a Comics Curmudgeon Supporter! If you just want to give me money directly, you can put some scratch in my tip jar, or back me on Patreon! Thanks to all for your support and readership!

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