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Blondie, 3/6/20

This strip is, in its own way, heartbreaking to me. When Dagwood hears about this fellow’s food-themed brood of nephews and nieces, he doesn’t think, “Wow, my co-worker’s brother sounds like a kindred spirit! Maybe I should reach out to this guy on Facebook, and we could be friends, connected by our common interest in — nay, obsession with –food!” But no, all Dagwood does is imagine ways that he could imitate or rival this man, apparently forgetting that he’s already named his daughter “Cookie.” Anyway, his neglect of human connection explains why his ostensible “best friend” is some guy who happens to live next door, whose relationship with Dagwood is mostly defined by the two of them refusing to return tools they’ve borrowed from one another and who was last seen trying to kill Dagwood with his car.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/6/20

Ha ha, can you imagine dong a whole week of non-jokes where the “joke” is that you keep putting off the actual joke, which, when it arrives, is almost guaranteed to not be funny? I guess the reason for having the janitor in the foreground in every strip is to emphasize that this is all straight-up garbage.

Family Circus, 3/6/20

OUTDATED THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: Why does a loving God let bad things happen to good people?

MODERN, UP-TO-DATE THEOLOGICAL CONUNDRUM: When Jesus told us to love our neighbors, did he not know that our neighbors fuckin’ suck?

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/5/20

Well, it seems that Tildy has consented to meet up with her cheating ex-husband, and having assessed his financial health, she’s now giving his physical fitness a once-over as well. Is there anything more arousing you can hear from a former lover than a grudgingly approving assessment of your “ol’ bod”? Anyway, these two should be all over each other momentarily, which is good news for freeing up Rex and June’s spare bedroom in the long run if not for the next half hour or so, and isn’t that what’s really important here?

Mary Worth, 3/5/20

“Naked yoga!” says Dawn. “I didn’t even know that was a thing! Sounds, uh, embarrassing, and corny, and definitely not intriguing at all,” she continues, eyes as wide as dinner plates, trying hard to figure how much time she needs to let elapse before she can politely excuse herself and text her former professor/”just friend” Harlan with a cool new idea for their next private yoga session.

Family Circus, 3/5/20

Holy shit Billy why on earth would you say this

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Mark Trail, 3/4/20

Oh, huh, it turns out that Rusty hasn’t been kept away from the Forest Explorers for their protection, but for his, because they’re “bad kids” who are being taught a lesson by taking them out into nature and “get[ting] them involved.” Involved … in … something? Forest crimes, maybe? Is Geoff a modern-day Fagin, running a gang of backwoods child criminals? If so, we have to wonder if Rusty will narc them out to Mark or if, his mind and morals softened up by the cyberbullying filth of the comics pages, he decides to join them in their sinister schemes.

Marvin, 3/4/20

Ha ha, it’s funny because Jeff finds his own son unbearable, and now uses the child’s worst qualities as tools of revenge on a world he despises!