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Today is Christmas Eve, and as Christians prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, we need to ask our selves: which comic has blasphemed the most heinously today?

Beetle Bailey, 12/24/19

Is it Beetle Bailey, which posits that every being in the universe, every soul, is encompassed by God’s love … except for one person, who, for reasons nobody can explain, remains forever out of reach of His redemptive grace?

Family Circus, 12/24/19

Is it Family Circus, where the two younger Keane Lads seem to believe that if they dress like Jesus, they can be like Jesus, and also think they’re not allowed to say his name, like he’s Voldemort or something?

Mary Worth, 12/24/19

Ha ha, trick question! The answer is today’s Mary Worth, where Estelle seems prepared to take Wilbur back and even says “I look forward to seeing you!”, a scenario incompatible with the existence of a loving God. Anyway, I need to step away from the site for a few days in the face of this horror, and also to travel for Hanuchrwaanza and such. See you sometime in the first few days of the ’20s, kids! Expect another year (dare I say, decade?) of the same business on this site, which is to say hilarious jokes about Mary Worth and stuff. I love you all!

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 12/23/19

At first I thought it was kind of sad that Barney Google was sticking around Hootin’ Holler for Christmas. Doesn’t he have any friends and family, back home in the big city of [refuses to consult Wikipedia], let’s say, Chicago? But then I realized: of course he doesn’t. He’s like 120 years old! He’s watched everyone he’s ever loved grow old and die! The only correct place for him to celebrate another in his infinite string of Christmases is with the Smiths, his fellow immortals.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 12/23/19

Ah yes, the tale of nog,? so scary we had to relegate to to off-panel. Now can we get to the real horror: the tale of these eggs, and what their reproductive cycle is? Why is there a “parent” egg and a “child” egg? Have eggs managed to evolve not only sapience and the desire to tell scary stories to each other, but also the ability to reproduce themselves without a chicken being involved at all? Do they just bud asexually? Do they fuck? Do eggs fuck? And why is there a barn? Why are these eggs in a house but you can see a barn outside, a bar like you’d find on a farm where chickens lay eggs? But in this scenario we’ve established that chickens aren’t necessary, so: what’s going on in the barn? What’s going on in the God-damned barn?

Judge Parker, 12/23/19

In the wacky ways of Hollywood, Neddy and Ronny’s movie about April the CIA assassin has now become a TV show about April the CIA assassin, because viewers love binge-watching high-concept prestige longform storytelling but only go to the movies to see superhero flicks with nine-digit budgets. Anyway, the real question is: will April, who only gave her blessing to a movie version of her life, emerge from hiding and murder everybody, and if so will it happen before or after we get to watch trained actors recreate the famous “work them like a claw” scene from April and Randy’s first date?

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Mary Worth, 12/22/19

“Or maybe you’d discover that he’s an insecure, unattractive, unpleasant man who’s hung up on his ex and also bad in bed! And then you’ll want to ‘return’ the ‘gift’ but find that you can’t! Won’t be my problem at that point, though.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 12/22/19

Good news, everyone! Rex Morgan has extremely ungraciously agreed to get a new dog for his daughter. 2020’s gonna be a real barrel of laughs, Rex-wise!

Dustin, 12/22/19

Ever since I started covering it here, I’ve referred to Dustin as being a Boomer vs. Millennial story, but today we’ve learned that Dustin’s dad is 54 and therefore, by most definitions, a Gen Xer like me. I take no pleasure in reporting this.