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Funky Winkerbean, 4/9/19

Oh, say, remember Darrin’s wife Jessica, who was going to make a documentary about her father, John Darling? If you don’t remember, the story goes something like this: Jessica’s father John Darling was a newscaster who was murdered when Jessica was a little girl, and Les wrote about the murder in his first book, which was a critical and financial failure. But Jessica decided she wanted to make a documentary about him, in the course of which she discovered he was a huge asshole, though not, as his murderer briefly implied, a philanderer. Anyhoo, I can’t find anything in my archives about this plot thread since 2014, so I’m not really sure what ever came of it — I have to assume that if it were released and flopped, we would’ve heard about that, because of all the suffering it would’ve caused for everyone involved. Maybe Jessica got emotional closure and then decided not to inflict the film footage on the rest of the world, which, good for her, honestly! But I guess she’s doing … some other kind of documentary film work with a lady who knows she loves murders? Here we go again, with the murder documentaries!

Pluggers, 4/9/18

Good news, everyone! Pluggers don’t fuck. I guess we all “got lucky” today when we learned that, ha ha!

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Mary Worth, 4/8/18

Hey, do you guys remember the story from a couple years back about the woman who got catfished by an older guy who used a picture of a Turkish model to woo her, and then when she figured out the deception she actually wrote to the Turkish model, and then they met in person and now they’re in love? That article is from 2017, so if they’ve subsequently broken up, please don’t tell me, as I need to believe true love exists, and I also need to believe that Estelle will, eventually, get together with South African model Ivan Inghem, or, if he’s not available, reasonably handsome Australian naval officer Ivan Ingham.

Pluggers, 4/8/18

Never mind this plugger’s thoughts on unrealistic physical beauty standards; check out his droopy eyes and crumpled smile! Dude is wasted on those non-lite beers. I’m imagining the caption as being said, extremely slurred, to some hapless female friend of a friend at a cookout that’s about to break up acrimoniously

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Family Circus, 4/7/19

This is maybe one of the darkest Family Circuses I’ve ever seen! Let’s take a look at each of the portrayed fates of the lovers, clockwise from the left:

• Dude in prison
• 25 happily married years
• Dude watches TV with a buzz on while his wife hunches next to him uncomfortably
• Dude brings flower in from garden
• Old couple making out
• Lady looks at beloved’s grave
• Happy couple on tropical beach
• Cheerful domestic scene with kids
• Homeless couple huddles under blanket
• Dude thinks about his beloved, who is a nun
• Grumpy middle aged couple fights at therapy

Some of these are perfectly fine, but you gotta admit this is a much lower batting average for love than you’d expect from this strip. My favorite is the nun one, myself. I like how the guy’s dog looks almost as sad as he does. “I know she took a vow of chastity,” thinks the dog, “but she didn’t take a vow of no-dog-stity. It’s not right!”

Judge Parker, 4/7/19

Oh, hey, so I guess Marie isn’t taking Sam up on his offer to make “Marie” disappear and give her a new identity to escape from the mob, but she also is going to quit her job that allows her to live on the gated Spencer-Driver estate and make the money she needs to keep secluded! Excellent decision making all around.

The Phantom, 4/7/19

“You’re missing the big picture! Everything we do his for the history! Look at Hellborne Helene here — this plane combined a hot dame with hot legs with fiery hot death dropped onto German and Japanese cities from above! Eros and thanatos, mingled together in that contradictory stew we call life!”

Dennis the Menace, 4/7/19

Dennis definitely went over to Mr. Wilson’s house and pooped in a box, is what I’m getting from this.