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Gasoline Alley, 11/24/18

Today is the actual 100^th anniversary of Gasoline Alley — the longest-running comic strip still publishing new material ever since The Katzenjammer Kids went into reruns back in 2006. Sincere congratulations to Jim Scancarelli for his gorgeous old-school draftsmanship — that’s an actual pen he’s using right there — and a daily look back at a mythic America that disappeared after World War II — one populated by comical junkmen, back-alley auto mechanics, lovable hoboes, itinerant fraudsters, and radio voice actors.

Now can we please end the four-month self-congratulatory wankfest, park Walt in the Old Comics Home for good, and get back to wallowing in lovingly rendered Hoogy tush?

Crankshaft, 11/24/18

You know, I think Mary may be on to something here. We all think of Crankshaft as a bitter, self-loathing ignoramus, and who will say us nay? But what if the root cause of his repulsiveness is that he’s completely incapable of abstract thought? It would explain his rage as he careers randomly through an incoherent universe of punctate sense-experiences, comforted only by chance repetition — the droning monotony of football plays, familiar snap of a mailbox behind his bus, annual blast of fire from an overfueled grill, or daily necrotic reek of Lena’s coffee.

You object, “But he’s just being an asshole!” and Ed cracks a little grin. That word, like all others, is just noise to him, but at least he’s heard it before. So many times, it feels like an old friend.

Dick Tracy, 11/24/18

I’m really starting to worry about this Vorkov guy here. Near as I can tell, he’s taking funds legally entrusted to him and spreading them around in ways that are pretty routine but don’t match the beneficiary’s intent. That’s all loathesome ‘n’ stuff I guess, except:

• The beneficiary, Peter Pitchblende, is a moron, squandering his inheritance trying to resurrect the reputations of long-forgotten third-rate Martin and Lewis copycats. In the very worst interpretation, Vorkov merely missed the filing deadline to have Pitchblende declared incompetent.
• This is essentially the same con outlined in the Parable of the Unjust Steward (Luke 16:1-13). How bad can your grift be when it’s approved in the New Testament by Jesus the Actual Christ?

Maybe Vorkov, a second-generation crime boss, isn’t really evil at all, but was brought up to think he’s a criminal mastermind? So he spends his ordinary days faxing, paying bills, and managing payroll, but all in that ridiculous makeup, tenting his fingers and gleaming his teeth, pausing now and again to cackle “BWA-HA-HA.”

Curtis, 11/24/18

Greg, let me bring you up to date: these days, a million-dollar 2BR in Harlem looks like your place. No hovering required!

Mark Trail, 11/24/18

Heads up, kids! David Lee Roth is closing in!

Hello again, faithful reader! I’m sitting in for Josh through Sunday December 2, so if you’ve got any site access or other issues, reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Hello all! I am taking a break for some extended family time, so your favorite Uncle Lumpy will be taking the guest-blogging reins until December 3. He can’t bear to choose from amongst all you lovely commenters, so here is your comment of the next several weeks:

“It looks as if Mary, not wanting Saul to revert to grumpiness, had the old man and his dog bronzed and placed in the park as tribute to her wisdom.” –Maltmash3r

Your runners up are also very funny!

“I don’t know why that woman needs to see paintings when she could be admiring the perspective-defying staircase that somehow begins two feet from a wall, yet rises away to infinity.” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

“The guard sighed. Once again a philistine had missed the entire point of the ground floor gallery, On the Commercialization of Art, a conceptual and interactive installation art piece, purchased at great expense from a private collector in Prague. ‘The traditional art is upstairs,’ he sneered, omitted even the courtesy of a ‘ma’am.’ Some people just weren’t worth the trouble.” –Voshkod

“I’d like to think that Mary Worth’s ring tone actually consists of the words ‘RING! RING!‘, because you know that the phone is actually whispering to itself ‘bo-RING! bo-RING!’ based on years of experience in listening to her conversations.” –seismic-2

“Either the pregnancy test just came back positive, or the rabies test did.” –lumaca morente

“How Mary relaxes at home? Well, she answered the phone with her left hand.” –Ettore

“Yarrr … ’tis the very toucan that gave me this scar!” –Harold

“Good question! Maybe when your mom and ‘Uncle Troy’ finish up in there and she unlocks the door, we can go look that up.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“Thanks to Mark Trail for depicting what having a monkey on your back must look like if what you’re addicted to is sugary breakfast cereal. Truly, a Reefer Madness for our times.” –Damian

“Because at night the sun must do battle with the serpent god Apophis in order to prevent the world from plunging into chaos. What are they teaching kids in school these days?” –TheDiva

“Maybe Thel shouldn’t have made a pot of coffee for the kids.” –nescio

“It’s hard to believe that technology in Hootin’ Holler has advanced to the point that firearms have rifling.” –Flonatin of Bologna

“Nice that the Keanes managed to find another family nearby with a brood of similar, yet slightly uglier, children. Must be good for the whole family’s self esteem!” –pugfuggly

“My grandmother used to have a phone just like that on the wall in her kitchen — except of course it was a rotary dial. A nice memory, just in time for Thanksgiving. The bad news is, it might be 30 more years before the people my age are all dead and there’s finally no more reason for the syndicate to keep carrying Family Circus.” –Peanut Gallery

“No, no, cat — when I say ‘me,’ you say ‘ow.’ Now let’s try it again!” –Pozzo

“Mary knows that cats steal babies breath when they sleep, so she is seriously considering getting one.” –Rusty

“I dunno, Henry’s checkered jacket suggests he’s getting ready for an evening at a casino or the track. That may not be Dennis’ idea of a good time, but at least he’s getting some experience with the kind of joint he’ll be wanting to case when he reaches his full potential as an adult criminal.” –BigTed

“Of all the objections I could make to this cartoon, I’ll limit myself to the fact that Beetle can somehow wear his own hat, complete with brim, under the General Halftrack mask, which has a brimmed hat of its own. No, Greg Walker, no. That is the point past which I can no longer suspend my disbelief.” –Joe Blevins

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Beetle Bailey, 11/23/18

I think the key to this whole very strange Beetle Bailey is the use of the past tense in panel one. Beetle was a great guy, but now that his General Halftrack disguise has been perfected, Beetle no longer exists. One wonders how the world will work with two General Halftracks in it — but then, maybe the General is in the past tense too. Maybe that shockingly realistic mask is less Mission Impossible and more Silence of the Lambs, if you know what I mean. (I mean that Beetle has hollowed out Halftrack’s head and is wearing it like a helmet.)

Mary Worth, 11/23/18

No…nobody says that? Nobody says “Open a new window, open a new door”, Mary. Are you thinking of the saying “When God closes a door, he opens a window”? Because the implications of that are very different from whatever it is you just said. If this thing ends with Libby fleeing from Mary’s apartment into an uncaring world through all the doors and windows she left open, I’m gonna be pissed.

Dennis the Menace, 11/23/18

Man, I find the Mitchells’ little smiles honestly chilling. “Oh, you just now figured out that you don’t get to do fun stuff all the time? Get ready to spend the rest of your life eating shit to make other people happy, kid.”