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Blondie, 5/26/19

Longtime joshreads dot com trufans know that one of my obsessions about the comic strip Blondie is that Dagwood and Blondie and their teenage children live in a house that, as near we can tell, doesn’t have a shower. We see the inside of their bathroom repeatedly (some might say too often for comfort), and we’ve never seen a shower head or shower curtain. We know that Dagwood prefers baths himself, but it seems bizarre for him to impose his lifestyle choices on his family, especially considering that adding a shower head wouldn’t prevent him from bathing in his preferred manner.

Anyway, today we learn that there is a second bathroom somewhere in the Bumstead residence! Is this where non-Dagwood family members shower, like normal people? And where is this other bathroom? We know that the tub-bathroom where today’s action takes place is on the second floor. Is the tub-bathroom a master bath? Is the more typical bathroom usually the one the kids used, but Blondie has had enough and finally just wants to take a shower today, god damn it? I’ll return to this topic once I finish my elaborate digital 3D model of the Bumstead house, which will rival the diagrams of the Overlook Hotel that the Kubrick obsessives of Room 237 came up with.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/26/19

Good news, everyone! Any sense of dramatic tension that might’ve been created by this robbery has been dissipated in just four days, which has to be some kind of record. And the big resolution also reveals that nobody was ever in the slightest danger this whole time! What a relief!

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Hi and Lois, 5/25/19

The best part about today’s strip is the expressions of pure delight on Ditto and his friend’s faces in panel two. This clearly isn’t the first time Thirsty has overshared the contours of marital woes with them, but now things have escalated to the point where he’s been thrown out of the house, and so they’re settling in for some tales of truly outrageous tales of domestic depravity.

Beetle Bailey, 5/25/19

Fun fact! “Knasen,” which, depending on which possibly incorrect auto-translation service you use, is Swedish either for “knees” or “the knot,” is what Beetle Bailey is called in Sweden. And since we all know that Swedish Beetle Bailey is just straight-up porn, that means that Plato has been spending his off hours getting aroused reading about the adventures of Scandinavian alternate universe versions of him and his friends, who get to actually have sex.

Not fun at all fact! Sarge often viciously beats up Beetle in public for the slightest irritation, and nobody ever stops him.

Dustin, 5/25/19

Hey kids, remember Dustin, the comic that doesn’t really know what Twitter is or how it works? Well, here’s some exciting news: it has even less of a grasp on Instagram.

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THIS WEEK’S TOP COMMENT IS HERE: RIGHT NOW!

“‘Exterminator,’ huh? That dog has the calm, cold eyes of a trained killer. Billy should be glad he’s a dullard — any Keane kids who get too much heathen book-learning will one day see those eyes, and then nothing more.” –stepped pyramids

And also? The runners up. Hilarious!

“Yes, there’s a fine line between ‘Food Taster’ and ‘Garbage Collector,’ a line that Sam dutifully erases.” –Pozzo

“This strip makes a lot more sense when you realize that Comrade Amoshya Haftrakov was actually an officer in the Soviet army who fought in the proxy wars of central Asia before being recruited by the KGB and sent to infiltrate an American military installation, and subsequently was forgotten when the USSR collapsed. It also explains in more ways than one why ‘General Amos Halftrack’ fills himself with a gallon of vodka every day. He’s a tragic hero, a warrior trapped in the terrible future he swore to prevent. Also, he’s Russian.” –jroggs

“Feeding people cancer causing nitrates is Les’s specialty. Not as instantly satisfying as Montoni’s explosive diarrhea causing pizza, but cancer sells books.” –ZeroWolf

“The deal with those two guys is that they’re overwhelmed by the level of sheer excitement in this strip. Watching The World’s Oldest Teenagers sit around talking about a vintage car show? Maybe even with bands!? STOP THIS INSANITY!” –Peanut Gallery

“I love the defeated, slouching posture of the mustachioed guy in panel two. He doesn’t know how it’s possible to fuck up hot dogs, but he’s pretty sure Les can find a way to do it. This teachers’ picnic is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuck, y’all.” –Joe Blevins

“What’s the deal with those two guys? They’re twitching and vibrating like there are hordes of bugs roaming under their skins, like they’ve been hollowed out by insects. Like they’re just skin-robots for insectoid overlords. [sip] Anyway, what was that about a car show?” –Voshkod

“Have you any idea the level of horniness required to lose $210 million in romance scams? 15,000 horny people, mostly old, mostly ugly, always desperate trekking the web in search of a target. The level of human misery reaches at least 3 MegaWilbur.” –Ettorre

“Dear Sam and/or Silo: Considering that we probably already have your tax money — it was withheld from your paycheck — good luck getting it back. And if by chance you do owe something, send it in or we’ll show you what else your tax dollars pay for. Have a nice day. –The IRS” –But What Do I Know?

“It starts with citizens trying to specify what their tax dollars will be used for, but it’ll quickly escalate into citizens deciding that the government can’t be trusted to look out for their best interests and seceding altogether. If Sam and Silo is any indication, the Second Civil War will be far less interesting and more poorly drawn than we could have possibly imagined.” –JJ48

“OPHTHALMOLOGIST is spelled wrong on the diploma. Yes, I found an error in a completely unfunny cartoon. It’s only 6:15 am, and I’ve already peaked.” –Weaselboy

“The implication is that Leroy is so turned on by the attractive nurse that his pupils are not just dilated, but FREAKISHLY dilated, reaching a level that usually requires special eye drops. I’d sorta assumed that Leroy was too miserable to feel any kind of arousal, so ‘Leroy has an all-consuming nurse fetish’ is a surprising if not entirely welcome revelation.” –Jenna

“Have we ever seen Bill’s eyes fully open before? Can we never again?” –The Mighty Untrained FOOZLE

“I’d now like to announce the results of this morning’s faculty water balloon fight, at which you were all present and thus already know the results. But first I’d like to announce this year’s winner of the always competitive ‘Flimsiest set-up for a pun’ award…” –pugfuggly

“In a court of bald people the one with hair is always found guilty.” –Roof Canal

“‘There’s nothing more irresistible than driving a sports car across deep sand dunes in an area where there isn’t a paved road for hundreds of miles,’ said no woman ever, including either of the two who exist in the Crock universe.” –BigTed

“Is the shading on the jester’s nose meant to indicate the ‘lovable drunk’ stereotype, or that years in a dank, unsanitary dungeon have induced necrosis?” –TheDiva

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