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Mary Worth, 3/4/24

Oh, so, uh, it seems like the Keith-Kitty-Sonia family fraud reunion plot has … ended? With Keith’s tiny mind unburdened by his terrible deception? No opportunity for follow-up, though, because it’s time for Mary and Jeff’s one-a-quarter date! Yes, nothing will get Mary’s mind off the Crazy World that she learns about entirely through The News better than a desultory sexual encounter on a reasonably successful doctor’s boat.

Pluggers, 3/4/24

Shoutout to Pluggers, whose whole vibe over the decades has carefully created the strategic ambiguity that leaves me, a liberal big-city elitist, unsure whether today’s panel is about some “Hints from Heloise” type technique for keeping your shirts fresh/unwrinkled before a big event, or if it’s just a “Ha ha, pluggers are old and increasingly plagued by dementia” joke.

The Phantom, 3/4/24

The thing about the Phantom is that he’s a tough, gun-toting, fists-flying superhero vigilante but also the product of a 21-generation long eugenics program, and I feel like being raised to know this is true about yourself must have some pretty weird effects on your psyche. Like, check out how aroused Kit Jr. looks in the second panel here! “Seems that mom’s finally figured out the perfect breeding partner for me? And she’s planning to ambush me with her, sexually? Hot stuff!”

Shoe, 3/4/24

It honestly never occurred to me before this strip, but among his many other terrible qualities, Shoe is definitely a serial workplace sexual harasser.

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Dustin, 3/3/24

Much as I enjoy Dustin’s “Ooh, a text” betraying his desperate need for even the most tenuous human contact, I have to call foul on this strip. It truly saddens me that the creators are so eager to jump on “Young people are terrible” that they ignore the key foundation of their universe, namely that Dustin in particular is terrible in a number of specific ways. No woman will ever love Dustin! No busty redhead would ever attempt to flirt with him! C’mon, what are we even doing here.

Dick Tracy, 3/3/24

I’m part of the ever-shrinking group of people who likes to get out to a play now and then, so this strip really made me think: how would I feel if, before the show or maybe between acts, an old man came out and gave a little speech about the history of a classic comic strip? I have to admit that I’d be OK with it. The rest of the crowd? Well, that’s not for me to say.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/3/24

Oh, nice, Slick Smitty managed to find one of the few remaining living humans and forge a romantic connection with her! How sweet. And they even have some shared interests! Look, she’s helping him trick Max into digging his own grave!

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/2/24

My faithful readers are all familiar with Rex Morgan, M.D., the soap opera comic strip where nothing ever happens. But what if nothing happening was a sign that … something was happening? Specifically, what if the Count not getting out his chair was a sign that Rex had misdiagnosed something much more serious as a mere ankle sprain? Sounds like an exciting malpractice lawsuit is in the cards! (We regret to inform you that lawsuits, no matter how exciting, are another situation where something happens in the form of nothing happening for long periods of time.)

Gasoline Alley, 3/2/24

Wow, this is, uh, a choice for something to say to the person you pay to live with and care for your father full-time, who is the primary person we ever see talking and listening to him. “Oh, ha ha, I didn’t mean you, Gertie, obviously. Obviously! Say, why don’t you go cook something?”