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Mark Trail, 9/9/18

Remember a few years back when Mark’s ranger pal discovered some miscreants growing pot on government land, which led to an adventure at the conclusion of which Mark bludgeoned one marijuana grower with a stick and set a vicious dog on another, then left them to die of exposure and warned Rusty that some of his little friends were probably drug fiends, too? Anyway, now it’s 2018 and in lots of places weed is basically legal, which probably really cheeses Mark off, and so he’s bringing out the big guns: sure marijuana is a relatively mild intoxicant whose effects carry no more health or social risk than wholly legal alcohol, but did you know that it’s a danger to these adorable furry critters???? Remember, when large-scale industrial agriculture intrudes on natural habitat, the main thing to focus on is what’s being grown on those farms. Think before you toke, hippies!

Beetle Bailey, 9/9/18

Golf is of course beloved by people of a certain age and social position in the United States, and the fact that those positions have traditionally overlapped with newspaper comics creators has been well reflected in the strips. Still, times are changing, and I guess I have to grudgingly respect that Beetle Bailey recognizes this and has chosen to make a well-reasoned case for the game in the marketplace of ideas rather than just assuming that everyone immediately sees its charms.

Marvin, 9/9/18

Marvin, meanwhile, just uses golf as an excuse for a terrible bit of wordplay that honestly could’ve run in a three-panel daily strip but has been inflicted on us on this, the Lord’s day, in what is surely a sin deserving of eternal damnation.

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Crock, 9/8/18

As I have repeatedly promised, I will continue to produce this blog until the day I die, but one of my big fears is that as I get older the blog will transition away from “Ha ha, here is some trenchant commentary on newspaper comics, and how they relate to society as a whole” and towards “Help! I don’t understand today’s Crock!” But ………. guys, I don’t understand today’s Crock. I’m sort of hung up on Grossie’s facial expression in panel one. Normally I’d interpret “going to have number four” as, like, she was pregnant with a fourth child, but Grossie’s face is marked by a certain cruel glee that seems wildly misplaced even to me, a committed childfree coastal elitist. Like, it should be a well-known term for a type of plastic surgery to match her expression, you know? I basically feel like Otis has gotten the exactly correct sense of things from context clues and shouldn’t be the butt of the joke here.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/8/18

The death of any human being is of course a tragedy, but if a woman passing peacefully, surrounded by her family, after a good, long life well-lived is the price that needed to be paid to end the Hanks’ endless nationwide tour of dumb roadside attractions, I think it was worth it.

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Hey all! It’s the first Friday of the month, so you know what that means: The Internet Read Aloud is happening in LA! Come see me and these funny people be funny!

Here is the Facebook event, which tells you all the details!

And now … your comment … of … the week!

“As if Dick Tracy doesn’t already depict The City as an authoritarian hellscape, apparently their first day of school is on Labor Day. Screw you, socialists! The only union we need is the all-powerful police union that keeps Dick out of The Chair!” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I get that it’s hard to frame tribute strips like this within the comic’s universe, but I find it hilarious that Hi seems to be just learning now about his creator from a book of cartoonists that’s lying around the house. I’d say that his reaction to finding out God was born in 1923 is pretty muted, but I guess the creator in His wisdom didn’t supply him with a wide range of emotions to work with.” –pugfuggly

“OK, it’s official: ‘Unpleasant Ernest Borgnine‘ here is the best character Mary Worth has ever had. How far will Mary go to force him to be nice? Let’s just say there’s always a breaking point where Florence Nightingale turns into Nurse Ratched.” –BigTed

“Literally the only thing I want from any of my exes is to resurface briefly in my life, give me some validation that I’m better looking now, and then die somewhere else a week later. Thanks, Rex Morgan.” –Lorne

“What have we learned today? In any sort of crisis, Toby will use Mary as a human shield.” –Joe Blevins

“So are we just letting the name ‘Ms. Gator‘ slide? Did she marry into the Gators? Was she adopted? Is she some reptile/mammal hybrid who looks human on the outside, but underneath is scaly and cold-blooded? Am I watching too much V?” –Daniel Kerr, on Facebook

“‘Why don’t we ever talk about human-on-human crime?’ will be Slylock’s defense when Slick Smitty dies of the massive injuries he sustained while ‘resisting arrest.’” –TheDiva

“Now, stop arguing and help me figure out how many pounds of gear Bella will be able to carry on my expedition to the Andes next month.” –Peanut Gallery

“Hey! Let me bring up something you’re probably proud of, but I’ll come just shy of actually praising you for it. Speaking of not complimenting you, here’s an insult.” –JJ48

“Speaking of shedding disguises, Mary came dangerously close to uttering ‘or his little dog, too’ in that last panel.” –Where’s Rocky

“Come now, Coach Thorp. This will all go much smoother if you just answer my questions. Tell me the names of the players. You don’t want me to use this stun gun again, do you?” –jroggs

“Talk about punishment. Dennis has to sit in the Hipster Chair, with its ironic fancy mustache. Alice is a monster.” –Voshkod

“Are you saying underneath his gruff exterior, he’s… [furiously scrolling on phone for Depression-era references] Dale Carnegie? [mutters] God I need to meet some young people.” –Dan

“Self-insert, Military Base AU fanfic of Lady and the Tramp, by 8Otto8″ –Ettorre

“What’s more disturbing to me is that the text on the door doesn’t actually tell you the hours, only the days. I mean, get on the stick, people! Dolly’s got an earworm called ‘9 to 5.’” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“The early feedback on Uber’s new chiropractic therapy offering is not good.” –Foodar

“It’s not the theater; the play has structural problems. In Act II, Roderick explains his polo injury before he’s even been onstage limping, and in the end Anabelle declares her love for Randolph, despite having previously sang an entire song about what a dunce he is. It’s out at the script doctor’s right now, giving slightly obsessive gunsel Rocco and his boys a chance to go nuts with the yellow ‘closed’ tape.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“I have no idea what Marty and Gil are talking about here, but I look forward to a future in which they have to repeat that dialogue exchange every day, for all eternity, in the ‘Was a Total Dick’ circle of hell.” –Sally

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