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Gil Thorp, 2/16/18

Well, the social justice nerdlingers marched down to the radio station and gave Marty Moon the business for his racially insensitive on-air banter. Look how excited the kid in panel three is at the sick burn they laid down on Marty when they left! But as much as I’d like to see Marty humiliated and professionally destroyed by a some teens, again — remember the time he got fired from his public access TV show and replaced by a pair of dippy Milford students? — I think they’re going to have to go harder than a little sarcastic vowel shifting if they want to get his goat. He probably didn’t even notice, because he was probably pretty drunk.

Spider-Man, 2/16/18

It’s funny that Bruce Banner and Peter Parker are both supposed to be big braniacs — Banner said in the recent Thor movie that he had “fourteen PhDs” and, uh, I guess Peter did well in science in, uh, high school? — but neither seems to be that interested in the mechanism by which radiation radically changed their very bodies. Like, you’d think they’d want a bunch of analysis and experiments done to ensure that they understand what’s happening to them, whether it’s going to harm them in the long run, whether it can be reproduced, etc. But turns out nope! Turns out Spidey doesn’t care, and as long as Bruce can assure himself that no matter how distasteful he finds his Hulk personality, at least he’s not Spider-Man, he’s OK with it too!

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Blondie, 2/15/18

“Never have Olympic events tasted so good! That’s because Olympic events are abstract concepts. Sure, I could devour the equipment (dangerous) or the competitors (monstrous) — but how do you eat the idea of speed skating or hockey? Well, now I can, because my beloved wife has given them substance, in the form of, I guess, little cakes or whatever.” You know how the International Olympic Committee is super litigious and often tries to prevent unaffiliated companies and organizations from infringing on their trademarks, even sometimes extending to the word “Olympics”? Usually I think this is dumb, but I kind of wish they’d step in with Blondie this week, to stop the madness.

Dick Tracy, 2/15/18

Oh, ha ha, it’s called “Pepper’s” and the owner is named “Ghost,” like ghost pepper, ha ha, and also he’s a terrifying eyeless chalk-fleshed nightmare? Anyway, there are two ways this could go: Either this demon is going to murder Simon in some unspeakable way and walk away with his money, or he’s going to explain that Simon’s suitcase full of cash won’t buy Pepper’s but does represent the franchise fee necessary to license the Pepper’s brand and menu so he can open his own Pepper’s, an arrangement where everybody wins, especially the customer, who now has a variety of Pepper’s locations to choose from!

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Mary Worth, 2/14/18

Hmm, it seems that Mary, normally so firm in her boundaries, has internalized the pernicious idea that she has no right to her own bodily autonomy! Mere seconds after being visibly alarmed by Ted’s lingering frotteurist farewell and then essentially yelling him out the door, she already tries to normalize the experience in her own mind by dismissing Ted as a mere “character.” Who is going to raise her consciousness? Candidates are thin on the ground. Tobey? Dawn? My guess is Iris, who will return the favor Mary did in giving her permission to pursue Zak by explaining what it’s like being with a woke bae who knows all about consent and is also extremely hot and rich.

Dick Tracy, 2/14/18

Meanwhile, Dick Tracy is pulling away from showing us a literal alien invasion of earth and moving on to a much more exciting storyline: a man with goofy hair plans to purchase an off-brand Chili’s!

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/14/18

Every Valentine’s Day, Loweezy has to indulge Snuffy’s kink of having sex in a boat, and she is not feeling it this year.

Six Chix, 2/14/18

HEY MAN MAYBE THE BICHON WOULDN’T HAVE LEFT YOU IF YOU HADN’T TRIED TO POISON HER