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Comics archive! Beetle Bailey

“Wait, there’s not a single golf reference in the bible? That can’t be right”

Beetle Bailey, 6/20/15

Let’s ignore for the moment the chaplain’s little joke that he, as a clergyman, has a special right to God’s attentions and support in even the most trivial matters. Let’s instead focus on General Halftrack’s apparently entirely straight-faced question in panel two: “Then what is God interested in?” It’s as if he took a moment to sincerely contemplate what the omnipotent, omniscient creator of all time and space might deem important about one of His creations, a being whom He loves deeply despite the fact that He is as vastly more powerful and wise as we are to the tiniest bacterium, and he thought: yep, golf, definitely golf, I think about golf all the time so probably God does too.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/20/15

“What you should do with your next book is write about how you met and fell in love with Cayla, your current wife, and how that new relationship helped you move forhahahahaha obviously I’m kidding, write about Lisa, always Lisa, write about meeting Lisa and it will seem exciting and romantic at first but a miasma of despair will always be floating over it, always, because Lisa is dead and Lisa is always dead and you’re going to write about Lisa’s death forever and ever.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/20/15

“Oh, good,” thinks Mrs. P., “it seems the bonding transference has occurred more quickly than anticipated! The parents aren’t necessary at all anymore. I’ll have them eliminated.”

Just gonna imagine Terry singing “Somewhere Out There” instead of actually thought-ballooning this dialogue

Mary Worth, 6/17/15

Hey, fellas, just so you know, when you suddenly and abruptly move into your ex’s apartment building and announce that the two of you are getting back together, and she flees in terror shouting “I can’t do this!”, it’s not that she doesn’t love you or that she’s afraid of you or anything. It’s just that she loves you so much that she couldn’t handle it if you ever broke up again. So keep wooing her! Persistence is key! Make sure she knows that the two of you will be together always, until one of you is dead!

Beetle Bailey, 6/17/15

“Why would we ever attempt to lab-grow fleshy, disease-prone bio-bodies for our sexual needs,” thinks Spc. Gizmo wearily to himself, “when we could be fucking clean, efficient robots?”

Marvin, 6/17/15

I find panel three here, in which Marvin stares directly into the reader’s eyes, extremely chilling. “Go ahead, comics blogger, make fun of the endless poop jokes,” he seems to be saying. “But poop jokes are what people want. Poop jokes, for lack of a better word, are good.”

The Ghost Who Dials 10-10-321 (LOL REMEMBER THE ’90s)

Beetle Bailey, 6/3/15

Hey, remember back in the ’90s, when General Halftrack got sent to sensitivity training due to his nonstop sexual harassment of Miss Buxley? Well, you’d think they would’ve covered the fact that inviting an underling who you want to sleep with to a social “group outing” that when she shows up turns out to just be for the two of you is a classic harasser move.

Phantom, 6/3/15

The Phantom seems to have some interesting priorities when it comes to stealth. He cares enough about it to hang around in full Phantom disguise gear in friend’s dark apartment; on the other hand, he’s just going to casually pick up his friend’s landline and make a call to his kids’ satellite jungle phone, which will presumably (a) be quite expensive and (b) leave a paper trail on his friend’s phone bill. (Also, I’m assuming that “friend” here is a euphemism for “criminal I plan to intimidate by lurking in his darkened apartment until he arrives home,” which is all the more reason he shouldn’t be gabbing on the phone when the dude gets there, probably.)

Gil Thorp, 6/3/15

“Did I know what with the who now? C’mon, I thought I had weeks until the part of the season where I had to pay attention to things!”