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Comics archive! Beetle Bailey

Love, not war

Beetle Bailey, 7/24/14

Soldiers are entitled to “… confidential, non-medical problem-solving counseling … provided by licensed, certified counselors on demand. Up to twelve (12) counseling sessions may be provided for each issue, at no cost to the Soldier or Family member.”

I suppose Dr. Bonkus can bill Amos and Martha Halftrack because they’ve needed hundreds of hours of counseling to fan this spark of romance from the ashes of their loveless union? Or maybe Bonkus bills them off-books for the use of his office because this is the only place they can get it on?

Alternatively: old-people sex, ew.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/14

After months of searching, Holly has at last located Starbuck Jones #115. The find was faked, of course – Comic John bought the comic in San Diego and had his pal plant it where Holly would find it, just as people have patronized and condescended to her at every step of her little odyssey.

No matter, though — Holly has found a way to bond with her son Cory by completing his collection while he serves in Afghanistan, drawing his cherished project to a close.

And this being Funky Winkerbean, somewhere in the hills of the Panjiwayi District, a sniper adjusts his windage. Somebody is going to get an authentic experience out of all this.

Pluggers, 7/24/14

In fairness, though, that’s when the washer starts.

Luann, 7/24/14

In its 30th year, Luann has finally taken the plunge and graduated its cast from high school. Insufferable do-gooder Delta is off to Howard University; second-string ethnic paragon Rosa Aragones spurned Yale for a job mucking out bedpans at her uncle’s clinic in “Peru” with dweeb Gunther in tow; and Bernice, Tiffany, and Quill will attend local “Moony Uni.” So, now, too will Luann herself, on the basis of a previously unseen gift for spatial reasoning, which fortunately requires no knowledge or effort to apply.

Our Moral: don’t waste your time learning and doing stuff — just wait for somebody to reward you for qualities you already possess. Our Motto: Inertia!

9 Chickweed Lane, 7/24/14

What, no chance for a Quigley here?


– Uncle Lumpy

Three by three

Mother Goose and Grimm, 7/21/14

Attila imagines he’s worth cloning.

You know, this strip is missing out on some pretty rich promotional opportunities:

And I bet Mooch from Mutts could kick Attila’s ass: “Shlap! Shmack! Schwat! Shpank!”

Spider-Man, 7/21/14

Um, … because they could? Though I suppose this isn’t a great time to be getting all smart-ass.

Is he … burping that plutocrat? Careful there, Ox – you’re gonna get foie gras and Paulliac all over that nice shiny vest.

And look at that dumb Ox – manhandling a mere magnate while the parker-driver gets away!

Beetle Bailey, 7/21/14

This is Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.
Is it even remotely funny?
No, it’s Beetle Bailey of the newspaper comics.

Comic artists everywhere: lovingly cultivated nose-hair ≠ moustache.

Sarge is forever on guard against poachers, who hunt him for his tooth.


– Uncle Lumpy

Saturday quickies

Apartment 3-G, 7/5/14

Oh hey it seems that Tommie is referring to the fawn she rescued as a “baby” in front of other people and not correcting them when they clearly assume it’s a human baby, as if that were a thing a totally normal and sane person would do. It’s almost as if weeks (months? years?) of hard work and not talking about your feelings isn’t the best way to deal with psychological distress.

Mark Trail, 7/5/14

“Oh no! The female appears to speaking about her ‘emotions.’ No flaming stick can defeat her! Will I need to talk about ‘emotions’ too?”

Momma, 7/5/14

Momma may be long-widowed and missing a man in her life, but that doesn’t mean she’s willing to compromise when it comes to the sexual skills and techniques of her potential partners.

Six Chix, 7/5/14

Hey, lady, I’m pretty sure your friends are just going to lob balls back and forth at each other using tennis rackets and golf club, which doesn’t really count as “sports,” really? Probably margaritas are involved, though.

Beetle Bailey, 7/5/14

Beetle Bailey took a moment to exhibit some pro forma patriotism yesterday before returning to its main theme: unrelenting class war.