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Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/30/26

I will reluctantly agree that “gummy bear” -> “Smokey has no teeth” is a decent joke and I can see the appeal of committing it to comic strip form. However, I cannot condone this particular visual interpretation, in which Smokey seems genuinely shocked by his own gumminess, as if his teeth had been cruelly ripped from his mouth mere moments ago and he’s not only suffering intense pain but realizing he’ll no longer be able to rip and tear meat, crack bones, or crush tough plant matter — all important aspects of the bear lifestyle.

Family Circus, 10/30/26

I guess Jeffy is supposed to look sheepish, but to me it honestly seems like he’s rolling his eyes at his sister. Dolly, you idiot, you philistine, for his costume he’s a practitioner of the ancient, storied art of clowning. His role is to act the fool and hold up a distorted mirror to our society and ourselves. Every day is April Fool, to him! He’s in character!

Mary Worth, 10/30/26

Tommy, have you seen the amount of muffins this woman produces? Do you think she’s interested in gluten-free anything? Your interrogation is going to be extra painful now.

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Mary Worth, 10/18/26

Oh, wow, as predicted by literally everybody, Mary and Ian weren’t engaged in a sexual relationship after all; they were simply spending lots of time together because Ian is simply too dumb to know how to make a reservation at a restaurant or an all-inclusive resort, both of which I assume have both phone numbers and websites, and he was deliriously grateful that Mary was able to help out. Why, they even had a big laugh together about how ill-equipped Ian is to successfully complete even the most basic of everyday life tasks. The best thing about this big reveal is that Wilbur, Dawn, Saul, Eve, and … I think that’s Tommy? … are all party invitees, which means that the exact same people who eagerly spread the gossip about Ian and Mary also presumably knew that Ian and Mary were planning a surprise party for Toby together. It also means that Toby has no actual friends, because I don’t think she’s ever hung out with any of these people on a non-Charterstone-pool-party basis.

Dustin, 10/18/26

Now, I know most of us think about Dustin as “that unlikeable dipshit who’s marginally less unlikeable than his father.” But he has some layers to him that you might not expect! For instance, did you know he’s also haunted by thoughts of death, and how he’ll be remembered after it in this world and what he’ll experience in the next?

Hi and Lois, 10/18/26

Speaking of the afterlife, can you imagine risking eternal damnation just to watch a Jaguars-Texans game? Seems not worth it, to me. On the other hand, given that the pews here are full of random comic and cartoon characters, Hi is probably having some kind of hallucinatory experience, which makes the fact that he’s making sure to keep up on Jags-Texans action even more pathetic.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/18/26

We’re all familiar with Pinocchio, of course, the beloved wooden puppet who came to life. Can you imagine if Pinocchio were real, and worried about venereal disease? Probably in that context he’d think about termites, right? Termites that would eat his wooden penis? Anyway, that’s not a puppet lady who he’s ogling, so I personally think he should learn more about the human body and the various organisms that make up its extended biome before he goes around trying to have sex with us.

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Gil Thorp, 10/13/26

It looks like we’re approaching the final Borys Orlov vs. Adrian Blatz showdown we’ve all been waiting for, but first, a little background on Borys: he may not remember the sound of Russian munitions raining down on his war-torn homeland, but he does remember a name, a name that echoed on the wind that blew across the Eurasian steppe. “Gil Thorp,” he heard, even as a child, even before he could understand what the syllables mean, what a name was. “Gil Thorp.” As geopolitics fell into violent chaos around him, he only had ears for that name, that mysterious name, “Gil Thorp,” that he somehow knew, without knowing how he knew, denoted his destiny.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/13/26

Ha ha, remember Mussolini? The guy who invented fascism, ruled Italy with an iron fist for decades, allied with Hitler, and ended up executed by partisans at a gas station? Well, what if there were a restaurant named after him? They’d probably have a dish with a name that punned on the word “dictator,” because Mussolini was a dictator, ha ha! Also, they’d probably have another dish that punned on “Benito,” which was Mussolini’s first name. Anyway, don’t think too hard about the type of guy who would open a restaurant named “Mussolini’s,” unless you want to completely ruin your day.