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Comics archive! Spider-Man

Figuring out how to stash profits in overseas tax havens can take a lot of mental effort

Archie, 5/10/16

Today’s Archie is neat little package justifying the economic stratification of society. You may believe that the 1% do less to earn their vast wealth than, say, factory workers or service personnel, but look! A single, dignified bead of sweat drips from Mr. Lodge’s brow, indicating that he too, in planning LodgeCo’s next strategic moves, is performing labor for which he deserves renumeration. Archie, in the background, demonstrates the real fecklessness of the parasitical taker classes, perspiring with anxiety over the destruction he’s caused, not thanks to good honest work. The message is clear: sweat smarter, not harder.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/10/16

The producers of the new Starbuck Jones movie have decided to shoot in blighted Northern Ohio, because of generous tax credits offered by the state it would be convenient for the lead actor and writers. This has caused a lot of rejoicing, but as we all know, the Funkyverse has a very powerful Law of Conservation of Misery, so clearly this has to be a serious problem for somebody, sooner or later. How long will that bus stay wedged in that alley before the kids have to turn to cannibalism?

Spider-Man, 5/10/16

Remember, the comics pages’ most mediocre superhero deserves an extremely middling rogues gallery! I honestly can’t get enough of any of these people being insulted to their face.

That’s not how you pronounce “Onion,” but he’ll learn

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Curtis, 5/6/16

So Heart-Throb’s video clears Curtis and Chutney and all is well. Say, I can’t tell whether Principal Washington is sporting a turban or dreadlocks there. If I were Derrick or “Onion” I’d be concerned: will this be settled at the point of his kirpan, or amicably over a gigantic spliff?

Gil Thorp, 5/6/16

And a nickname is born — two days too late for May the Forth be with you. Shucks.

Phantom, 5/6/16

The Captain learns Phantom is on his own side
And he’s happy to have him along for the ride.
The intel will help him do damage control
And he owes every byte to the Jungle Patrol!

Patrolmen are hayseeds and yokels and hicks
But they know one or two de-encryptioning tricks —
If you don’t mind manure on the drives that they stole
You can outsource IT to the Jungle Patrol!

Mary Worth, 5/6/16

Conflict, AT LAST!

“Not to study”? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Spider-Man, 5/6/16

Xandu wants a queen, but he needs a decorator.

Just a reminder not to wait up in anticipation of Comments of the Week from me – enjoy Dagger’s genitalic hooks for another week!

– Uncle Lumpy

Please do not ad lib in the opening scene of Hamlet

Spider-Man, 4/27/16

Oh, man, there’s a lot I haven’t been keeping you up to date on with Spider-Man! Like the wicked Xandu, after imprisoning our heroes, kidnapped Mary Jane (whom he assumed was Dr. Strange’s wife), and claimed her as her own! And then flew her over Manhattan! But the she almost got airsick and puked! So he landed in Washington Square Park! And Spidey and Doctor Strange tracked her down because she’s wearing a homing device that allows her husband to locate her at all times, which is a little unsettling, honestly! But then Xandu whisked her off to some magical other dimension! Anyway, none of that is anywhere near as interesting or funny to me as Dr. Strange using his invisibility powers to make Spider-Man look dumb in front of a gawking, jeering crowd of New Yorkers.

Family Circus, 4/27/16

It can be awkward having “the talk” with your kids about where babies come from. Fortunately for Ma and Big Daddy Keane, the post-sex future, in which humans are vat-grown in automated cloning facilities and flown to their assigned dwelling-pod by robot helicopters, is almost upon us.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/27/16

Lucky Eddie used to jerk off into a sock puppet, but then he lost it.