Dennis the Menace, 2/7/15
It’s true: one day Dennis is going to come home from school and find that his parents have gotten tired of his antics and moved out, taking only enough clothes to fill a suitcase and leaving no forwarding address. He’ll have to move out eventually too, of course, either when the food runs out or the bank forecloses, whichever comes first.
Spider-Man might not put that much effort into fighting crime, but if there’s one thing he always brings his A game to, it’s moronic banter. I sincerely wish this first panel could exist in animated GIF form, so that I could watch Spidey stumble around, arms flailing, for the entire time it takes him to spell out “M-I-S-T-E-R-I-O,” then mug awkwardly as he waits for the approbation for his dumb bit of wordplay that never comes.
Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/7/15
Say, have you been wondering what’s been happening in Rex Morgan, M.D.? What’s been happening in Rex Morgan, M.D., has been that Rex thought he might have a little while, just a little god-damned while, where he’d get to sit quietly and do a little painting and not have to talk to anybody. But turns out he doesn’t. Turns out he never does. Fine, June, get the resumes. No, I don’t care, just get them.
This week’s Spider-Man has involved some confusing business about Peter sauntering into the emergency room after a robot fell on him and then sauntering out again diagnosed with a cracked rib and I honestly don’t know enough about his spider-powers (the proportional powers of … a spider) to know whether rib-breaking is a thing that could happen to him, and so whether this is all genuine boring medical talk or a boring ruse to protect his boring secret identity. The fact that the fracture in the x-ray extends beyond the rib itself seems to indicate the latter? Either way, Mysterio lets the wall-crawler know who’s boss by crumpling the x-ray up and fucking it.
Gil Thorp, 1/31/15
In any other narrative context, an athlete whispering, essentially, “Please! I hurt so bad!!” to a trainer would be a cue to start a Serious Issue Story about performance-enhancing drugs of some sort. But since the person being implored is the dorky student manager who only cares about fundamentals and sweater vests and branding, probably he’ll just get some advice about dribbling or something. Gil Thorp can be a pretty disappointing comic strip most of the time, guys.
Six Chix, 1/31/15
You know, Six Chix usually manages to fly under my radar, but it’s had a banner week this week, all bloated corpses and petty grievances and other bloated corpses. And this is a pretty solid capper: a woman dressed all in black, like a burglar or a puppetteer, attempts to buy a robotic simulacrum of a loving family, only to be rebuffed in favor of her own cat, who is in turn repulsed and terrified by the android’s steely embrace.
Dick Tracy, 1/21/15
Sure, Westview is haunted by death, but death of the quiet, drawn-out, hospice-based variety. Dick and Sam are about to bring a new kind of death to town: loud, abrupt, and very, very bloody.
Mark Trail, 1/21/15
Gotta be impressed with Mark’s hair, which has gone through a boat explosion and some quality time surrounded by flaming oil slicks and has barely moved at all.
Sally Forth, 1/21/15
Little did I know, when I wished for a new Apartment 3-G artist last week, that Sally Forth already had in the works a flash-forward that’s doubling as a backdoor pilot for an Apartment 3-G reboot!
Peter Parker has been forced to rescue Mary Jane from an out-of-control movie marketing robot out of costume. Presumably he’s unharmed because he has, uh, spider-durability (the relative ribcage strength of a … spider?), but if he pretends to be hurt and sues the movie studio, this will turn out to be his most effective and lucrative act of heroism to date.
Wizard of Id, 1/21/15
“Boy, I sure have noticed and/or been sexually aroused by a lot of young women lately! Fortunately, I have a nationally syndicated newspaper comic strip, so I’ll be able to talk about this fact in a way that won’t come across as creepy at all.”