Wizard of Id, 2/11/14
Valentine’s Day is coming up, everybody! The Wizard of Id has long ago made its position on this beloved, long-standing holiday clear: that it leads directly to grotesque and perverse sexual practices. This year’s cautionary tale includes normal human love, the use of a broomstick as a potentially dangerous sexual aid, tree-fucking, and of course your garden-variety bestiality. The most harrowing aspect is that this full-panel horrorshow is being published three days before February 14th, which means that the rest of the week will be dedicated to increasingly grim sex-nightmares and will conclude with the strip’s entire readership taking vows of chastity and/or suicide.
Ha ha, yes, it’s funny because “1982″ is a year in the distant past when we all used pay phones and made collect calls? Except it’s in the distant future for the cavemen of B.C.? Or the even more distant past, according to the persistent theory that B.C. takes place in our post-apocalyptic future? Anyway, good joke, B.C., it’s not going to make most readers confused and irritated at having to think about your timeline situation at all. Also, probably the phone should’ve rung at some point.
J. Jonah Jameson has gone mad with power and is determined to destroy our hero! Looks like it’s time for Spidey to use his greatest power: running away! THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!!!!!
Welp, it looks like all’s well that ends sexily when it comes to Spider-Man’s super-battles! What could be a better reward for this strip’s loyal readership than a naked, oiled-up Peter Parker? We’ll let our characters get their scrub on before we start asking the tough questions, namely (a) how “super” can Peter’s costume be if it doesn’t prevent oil and other filth from soaking through, and (b) why did Peter even bother with that weeks-long battle to prevent his unmasking if his wife is going to make it blatantly obvious to all her co-workers that she’s married to Spider-Man?
This might seem like just an innocent joke about how Francis is a sponge whose weak filial piety is easily overridden by his burning desire not to work, but keep in mind that this is Momma’s dream sequence and her relationship with Francis has extremely unsettling overtones. In other words, this tableau might as well be titled Francis Hobbes: Oedipal Gigolo.
Funky Winkerbean, 1/26/14
“Why, hello there! I’m the grim spectre of death! As you know, I haunt every single Funky Winkerbean strip, but there are some occasions where my presence is easier to detect! I like the silence in the last panel of today’s strip, because that way everyone can hear the eerie rustling of my robes and feel a chill run up their spines.”
Say what you will about this battle between the Amazing Spider-Man and
a nefarious supervillain one of Iron Man’s obsolete and jury rigged armor suits controlled by a nefarious supervillain a local publishing magnate with the stakes being Spider-Man’s very life Spider-Man’s secret identity, but at least it represents recognizably superheroic activity, it’s lasted three weeks at this point, and Peter Parker hasn’t paused once to watch TV at any time during the process. But now it looks like 2014′s quota for action and excitement has all been used up, so Man-Bot is going to crash into that van in the most hilariously half-assedly drawn panel this strip has seen to date. Is Man-Bot suddenly as long as a van, even though previously it’s been shown as not much taller than an ordinary person? Is the metal of the van’s wall peeling outward, even though Man-Bot is punching through from the outside? Yes and yes, because why not and who cares!
Family Circus, 1/23/14
Oh, dear, it appears that Jeffy is really just asking for a good smiting from the creator God, is he not? Perhaps his family will be killed and he’ll be afflicted with boils and then God will serve up a long Book of Job style poem about how Jeffy doesn’t really know crap about creating a universe, hopefully with an sidebar about what lousy parents ostriches are. Maybe He’ll go with the ironic Twilight Zone method of enlightenment, eliminating all clouds (and therefore rain) from the Earth’s sky until everyone dies of thirst. Or maybe He’ll be more New Testament gentle, and just send an angel to patiently explain to Jeffy that without those clouds he would’ve blinded himself by pointing his telescope directly at the sun, what with it being in the middle of the day and all.
Hey, remember that time in 2005 when a blonde lady discovered the Skull Cave and then the Phantom erased her mind with mind-erasing drugs? Long story short, the Phantom is going to erase this lady’s mind with mind-erasing drugs.