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Hi and Lois, 10/25/26

Given how much time I spent parsing Hi’s fantasy self-image as a young Major Leaguer a few weeks ago, I’m kind of tickled by his vision of his real childhood, where he looks exactly like he does now, same haircut and everything, except smaller, and his dad looks exactly like he does now except with a mustache. Speaking of Hi’s dad, it’s kind of weird that Hi and Lois are probably in their early 40s at the oldest and they never seem to visit or be visited by their parents, right? I guess spending fall weekends cheerfully breathing in a toxic mix of fine particulate matter and carcinogenic chemicals might have something to do with it.

Heathcliff, 10/25/26

Not to be a downer about it, but a big bone-in ham like that is basically a corpse, right? Or at least a sizable chunk of one? So I guess it shouldn’t be surprising that it’s inhabited by a vengeful ghost of some kind, though the fact that it’s haunted by three of them implies that we know a lot less about matters of the spirit than we may think.

Mary Worth, 10/25/26

Lot going on here, but the panel I’m really hung up on is “People gossip about things they don’t comprehend.” I mean, I buy that most people don’t comprehend why Toby and Ian are together. That’s because they don’t know them well enough to get a sense of the various personality problems that have significantly limited both of their romantic prospects.

Panel from Dick Tracy, 10/25/26

Oh, come on, Crimestoppers Textbook! Carmen Sandiego and her coconspirators at V.I.L.E. have their sights set on stealing historic treasures and natural monuments. They have no time for petty door-to-door-salesperson scams!

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Shoe, 10/23/26

As I move into my late middle age, I definitely have spent time pondering my legacy, and feeling increasingly proud of the decades of abstruse sex jokes about Mary Worth that I will leave behind me, to the amusement of a select but hopefully happy few. I think more artisans leave such specialized work in their wake than we often recognize! For instance, the journeyman behind Shoe is, without a doubt, history’s premier artist for depicting bird-men who react to ostensible joke dialogue by looking genuinely and sincerely depressed. This isn’t funny, Roz! She was his friend, and now she’s dead! If you think about it, there are quite a few ways they could’ve gotten to this punchline that don’t involve Clara Higgins passing away, but when you have this kind of depressed-bird-man-drawing-talent available, you don’t waste it.

Mary Worth, 10/23/26

Speaking of abstruse sex jokes about Mary Worth, I know we’re supposed to take Mary’s “negative thoughts” as referring to her troubled imagining of who could’ve been spreading rumors about her, but come on, she’s thinking about sex with Ian, right? Like, nobody wants to think about sex with Ian Cameron, but once it’s been suggested to you, it’s hard to avoid thinking about. You’re thinking about it right now. Don’t try to tell me you’re not.

Alice, 10/23/26

BIG NEWS: We have learned the name of Alice’s boyfriend, and it’s … Steve? Huh. Huh. Wouldn’t have guessed that, I admit. Guy doesn’t look like a Steve, but I suppose the world isn’t always what you expect. Oh, also, they finally met the aliens that live under her floorboards or whatever. She and Steve did. “Steve.” Still doesn’t sound right, sorry.

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Mary Worth, 10/22/26

I guess we all could’ve guessed that if someone was going to ruin this pleasant evening by blurting out something about the vicious rumors that had been going around the condo about Mary and Ian, that someone was going to be a Weston, right? It’s nice to see that father and daughter are coming together here to engage in their shared hobby: being socially inept in ways that make other people feel bad. Also, I just want to say that absolutely nothing they’ve seen here tonight disproves any of the rumors they’ve heard! What, do they think that guys who are cheating on their wives never take said wives to nice dinners and on elaborate and expensive vacations, as compensation in their own mental accounting or, if the wife found out she was being cheated on, as an apology? Do Wilbur and Dawn not know how infidelity works? Well, infidelity is a type of human interpersonal relationship, so the answer is obviously “no.”

Pickles, 10/22/26

It’s great to have a true intimate friend in your old age who you can ask big, searching questions like “What’s your biggest regret in life?” This is the sort of person you know so well so you can be sure that they’re going to answer with some kind of goofy vaudeville bit rather than actually tell you what their biggest regret in life is, which would almost certainly turn out to be a huge downer.