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Comics archive! Mary Worth

Soapy Saturday

Mark Trail, 1/24/15

I guess if you almost drowned after being blown up, and then you came to in some mysterious stranger’s ancestral raccoon-guarded swamp-palace, then “relaxed” might be the emotion you’d feel! I mean, you’d maybe be more relaxed if he said “You’re in a hospital where competent medical professionals will be tending to the injuries resulting from your recent traumatic experience, and also law enforcement officials are investigating this terrible crime,” but waking up in an isolated cabin with someone who doesn’t play by society’s rules about how to to deal with bombs and wounded people is kind of relaxing, I guess.

Mary Worth, 1/24/15

You know, people complain about how the Kids Today won’t stop texting during movies or checking their Twitters or whatever, but for my money the number one problem in theaters is old people who just will not shut up about unexpectedly finding a second chance at love! It’s like, hey, senior citizens, was your romance so intense and heart-warming that Nicholas Sparks wrote about it in a novel that was optioned by Warner Brothers before it even hit a second printing and was eventually made into the movie that we all paid $12 to see? No? Then pipe down, jeez.

“We could call Child Protective Services, or–” “HAHAHAHA”

Mary Worth, 1/20/15

Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in flute-playing paradise for Hanna and Sean! Why doesn’t Sean want Hanna to tag along with him to the nearby medical center? Does he want to keep the details about the medical ailment for which he’s seeking treatment secret from his new beau, because they’re embarrassing (incurable VD) or emotionally traumatizing (incurable impending death)? Is “nearby medical center” actually a euphemism for “the retirement home where one of my other girlfriends lives”? Is Hanna just starting to cramp his style? Is he going to blurt out “STOP SMOTHERING ME,” shattering this fragile happiness forever?

Judge Parker, 1/20/15

Every decade or so the soap opera strips need to offer up their backstories to new readers (haha, the soap opera strips think they have “new” readers) so I guess we’re going to hear the true tale of Neddy and Sophie, Tragic Orphans! I like the phrase “while Sam and Abbey were figuring out what to do with us,” because it conjures up the image of the destitute hobo family, rounded up by Spencer Farms security and locked in the holding cell deep beneath the stables, while Sam and Abbey watch the panicked trio on a hidden camera. “What should we do with them?” asks Sam. “We can’t let them go. They’ve already seen too much.” Then the grandfather dies. As the terrified children wail, Abbey rubs her chin. “I think … I’m pretty sure they’re going to grow up sexy, Sam. I think we can keep them.”

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/20/15

Jughaid is beginning to realize that his socio-economic class is so widely despised that contempt for it is engrained in the English language itself.

Dick Tracy, 1/20/15

Good news! The Dick Tracy-Funky Winkerbean crossover is going great. In today’s strip, our cop heroes use the implied power they have to imprison and punish to make Funky feel awkward and scared over a harmless joke.

Mark Trail, 1/20/15

I admit that I don’t fully grasp all the nuances of the villains’ scheme in the current Mark Trail plot, though I think it’s a safe bet that they’re all extremely stupid. So I don’t know why exactly this boat blew up, but when a Mark Trail installment consists entirely of a single-panel boat explosion, you’d better believe I’m going to report that to you.

Herb and Jamaal, 1/20/15

This punchline would’ve been a lot more obvious if Herb were looking at a smartphone or one of the other “modern technological advancements” Jamaal name-checks (a fax machine, maybe?). But frankly I like it how it stands. Herb doesn’t need your fancy high-tech geegaws to be a dick.

This is an actual Sophocles quote for once, guys

Mary Worth, 1/18/15

I am profoundly happy that today’s Mary Worth features a visual trope from Friday’s strip that I neglected to comment on: potato peeling. Today, this kitchen chore dovetails nicely with her inner monologue, which is even more gravid with self-regard than usual. “Some found Hanna dowdy … quiet … difficult … covered with a thick, unattractive peel. But I sliced away at that outer layer and revealed the attractive, delicious person inside, just waiting for the right man to love her. Me! I did this. God, are these potatoes fuckable or what?”

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/18/15

Is there any more menacing quality than a total and unapologetic lack of self-awareness?