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Comics archive! Mary Worth

No woman can say no to that mustache

Gil Thorp, 12/19/14

There’s a great Gil Thorp plot storytelling tradition that’s been ignored for the past few plots, in which random non-Gil, non-Kaz people end up taking over coaching duties, allowing our heroes to do even less work than usual. It’s been so long since we’ve seen this that I’m down with seeing it play out in this case, even though Robert “Bobby” Howry is the team manager and thus on the border of being an official coach! He’s also on the border of several potential DSM-IV diagnoses, if his obsessive nickname fixation is any indication.

Mary Worth, 12/19/14

Oh, man, Hanna’s glare is just lasering into the side of Sean’s head in panel two! He’s not interested in a private two-person flute concert at all; he wants to assemble an cultish harem of sexy ladies of a certain age. Somerset? More like Allareset, as in all the women who live there are set up as Sean’s sex thralls, amiright?

Funky Winkerbean, 12/19/14

Oh, look, Funky has one of those “smart” phones, as in it’s smart enough to know that any email from a doctor has grim plot significance and needs to be put in a larger font than an email from a wife or a loved one or whatever. The good (?) news is that Dr. C. Hill wasn’t the one who picked up Funky’s prostate cancer, so maybe this is just about his impending heart attack. It sure must be “chill” being a doctor in the Funkyverse, in the sense that your soul is icy and numb after years of constant failure to keep your patients out of death’s clutches!

Would pay good money to see Matthew McConaughey play Jeffy, honestly

Family Circus, 12/18/14

There’s a lot of things about this world that Billy doesn’t understand, because he’s too young or naive or aggressively ignorant, and one of them is, to quote Matthew McConaughey’s character in True Detective, that time is a flat circle. Billy still sees this Christmas season of forced morality in a linear fashion, as an obstacle to be overcome and then forgotten about. Jeffy wears a look of world-weariness that indicates that despite being younger he is the wiser sibling. There’s no end in sight. Santa is always coming again, sometime in the future, and is always watching, always weighing us against his system of mysterious and arbitrary ethics. All of us have to be good, forever.

Mary Worth, 12/18/14

Look, Mary, Hanna appreciates how you’ve helped bring her and Sean together, but she is not interested in you listening in on their duet, OK? It’s for Hanna’s pleasure, not yours. It’s for fun. She’s uncomfortable performing for third parties. Maybe someday, but for now, all her flute-playing will be happening behind closed doors.

Bogey and Bacall are both spinning non-sexily in their graves

Shoe, 12/11/14

A cool thing about having a daily comic strip is that you can use it to air some very specific gripes you might have that arise from your personal life! I mean, if it were me and I was taking on Geico, I’d probably go with “Why does Geico have so many mascots, like there’s the gecko and the caveman and the pig and the talking paintings and the two guys with ukeleles and I think also there’s a stack of money with googly eyes?” But, you know, “I resent the application of actuarial science to me in particular” could work too!

Funky Winkerbean, 12/11/14

I know it seems weird, but there are probably some people who only read Funky Winkerbean and not its sister strip, Crankshaft, or vice versa. These people are spared the useless mental exercise of trying to figure out how the timelines of the two Funkyverse strips now line up, as are 99 percent of the people who read both and still only have the vaguest idea that they’re connected. But even if you forgot/don’t care, Funky Winkerbean has decided that its readers are starved for delightful Crankshaft-related content, and are giving us a charming flashback to the Funkypast/Crankpresent, in which the ’Shaft deals with an obviously emotionally vulnerable little girl with his classic lack of tact. I don’t was to cast aspersions on anyone’s parenting, but it sure looks like this child came to talk to a pizza-parlor Santa with neither her father nor her mother with her, so her family situation is probably pretty dire.

Crankshaft, 12/11/14

Meanwhile, over in Actual Crankshaft, we learn that in the Funkyverse you never ask an innocuous question because you might get a super depressing answer.

Phantom, 12/11/14

Hey, what’s happening over in the “Amnesiac Phantom Joins The Jungle Patrol” plotline, guys? Well, the Jungle Patrol’s colonel decided to test his theory that “John X” was secretly a criminal by locking him in a holding cell with a bunch of criminals, and then our hero brutally beat them into unconsciousness. Now he’s going to be taking down to the infirmary by a leering, sexually aggressive medic. Based on the conduct of one of the country’s main law enforcement bodies, I may have to retract my assessment of Bangalla as a successful post-colonial democracy, guys.

Mary Worth, 12/11/14

Hanna and Sean are so crazed with lust for each other that they’re finding erotic inspiration in anything, even Mary’s cooking. I honestly am rooting for them to start going at it right here on the dining room table, if only to take Mary to levels of scandalization we never would’ve thought possible.

Hi and Lois, 12/11/14

“Chemicals!” shouts Ditto. “The touch of water is anathema to me! Bathe me in a cleansing tetrachloroethylene fire!”

Six Chix, 12/11/14

Hey, everyone, here’s today’s Six Chix! It is 100% grim as shit.