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Mary Worth, 3/7/25

We have all, obviously, been thinking about Wilbur Weston’s sex life for far too long, but consider the psychic damage these endless “Wilbur, against all odds and logic, gets laid” plots are visiting upon his daughter in particular. Think about how you’d feel if you picked up Wilbur at the airport and he immediately launched into a digression about all the hot, hot vacation sex he had just had. You can see why Dawn is trying to steer the conversation towards some kind of lasting emotional connection Wilbur might form with this “Belle” person, but, nope! Wilbur doesn’t do long distance. We’re dangerously close to hearing him say the phrase “hit it and quit it.”

Family Circus, 3/7/25

Say what you will about the Family Circus, but unlike many comics, it rarely resorts to a “work backwards from a punchline” situation, though sadly that is what I think we’re seeing here. The idea of a clothing store that has a whole section of t-shirts with just state names on them is pretty funny, I have to admit, but ultimately where this panel fails for me is that I do not believe that Billy knows anything about the relative sizes of various states, or really any geography facts at all.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/7/25

“We have a giant, vicious robot, the ArtGuard 3000, that protects the peaceful, disturbance-free experience of our museum with multiple razor-sharp blades. Don’t worry, it will drag you down to the basement first, so our significant collection of regional art will not be splattered with your blood.”

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Mary Worth, 3/3/25

Big news, everybody: Wilbur’s back! Wilbur’s back, and he’s giggling coyly about the fun he’s been having on the Mayan Riviera. It’s funny, you’d think that after 20 years following this guy’s antics there wouldn’t be anything new he could say that on the surface seems largely unobjectionable but nevertheless sends me spiraling into a seething episode in which I curse the sea for rejecting him not once but twice. And yet here I am, starting my week staring “It was fun and relaxing… Hee hee!” in the face, and not liking it.

Dick Tracy, 3/3/25

Folks … big news … a third nephew has hit this Dick Tracy storyline. We are going to be treated to nephew after nephew, each more lightweight and gormless than the last, until we’re all nephew’d out.

Judge Parker, 3/3/25

Hey, remember how Sophie made Ann’s murder charge go away by hacking into drone footage and proving she didn’t do it? Well, everyone got a nice little thrill from that lovely moment, but it’s too bad that other exoneration drones weren’t following her around over her last couple decades of petty scams and whatnot because she’s definitely going to jail for that. Honestly kind of mean of the cops to let her have a big emotional moment out here on the courthouse steps just so they could arrest her and extradite her moments later.

Gil Thorp, 3/3/25

Hey, were you wondering how Marty’s drinking binge was going? Well, panel three has it all wrapped up in a nutshell: wild eyes, his hair long and greasy, his goatee subsumed into a shaggy beard, his usual polo shirts traded for some kind of vintage fur-lined coat. Honestly, he looks great. This is the coolest he’s looked in years. This is not the lesson we should be teaching our kids.

Pickles, 3/3/25

Ha ha! That’s funny, man. So, are you, uh, are you going to change the furnace filter or what.

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Pardon My Planet, 2/28/25

Not sure how we’re meant to understand the scenario here: did this couple literally spend their last dime on this beach vacation, leaving them in a position where they would be forced to stiff their dog-sitter when they got home? Or has the relatively small charge for dog-sitting services — which in my experience is usually paid in advance, these days often through Rover or other similar apps — pushed them across some threshold where they’re forced to acknowledge their own acute financial crisis, possibly because they recognize that they’ll be unable to make even the minimum payment on their credit card when it next comes due? At any rate, their problems are over now, as will their lives be in a few days when the massive dose of radiation they’re absorbing right now finally kills them both.

Mary Worth, 2/28/25

I have to admit “Why do people learn things the hard way instead of accepting advice?” is a pretty good tactic for talking up an advice column. People are, I think it goes without saying, pretty lazy, and if you explain that half-reading Ask Wendy on their phone while they’re watching TV or something is a “life hack” that allows them to avoid the terrifying, vivid highs and lows of an active and emotionally full life, I think they might go for it.