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Archive: Mary Worth

38

SURPRISE!!!!!!! (if you are as dumb as Toby)

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Mary Worth, 10/18/26

Oh, wow, as predicted by literally everybody, Mary and Ian weren’t engaged in a sexual relationship after all; they were simply spending lots of time together because Ian is simply too dumb to know how to make a reservation at a restaurant or an all-inclusive resort, both of which I assume have both phone numbers and websites, and he was deliriously grateful that Mary was able to help out. Why, they even had a big laugh together about how ill-equipped Ian is to successfully complete even the most basic of everyday life tasks. The best thing about this big reveal is that Wilbur, Dawn, Saul, Eve, and … I think that’s Tommy? … are all party invitees, which means that the exact same people who eagerly spread the gossip about Ian and Mary also presumably knew that Ian and Mary were planning a surprise party for Toby together. It also means that Toby has no actual friends, because I don’t think she’s ever hung out with any of these people on a non-Charterstone-pool-party basis.

Dustin, 10/18/26

Now, I know most of us think about Dustin as “that unlikeable dipshit who’s marginally less unlikeable than his father.” But he has some layers to him that you might not expect! For instance, did you know he’s also haunted by thoughts of death, and how he’ll be remembered after it in this world and what he’ll experience in the next?

Hi and Lois, 10/18/26

Speaking of the afterlife, can you imagine risking eternal damnation just to watch a Jaguars-Texans game? Seems not worth it, to me. On the other hand, given that the pews here are full of random comic and cartoon characters, Hi is probably having some kind of hallucinatory experience, which makes the fact that he’s making sure to keep up on Jags-Texans action even more pathetic.

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/18/26

We’re all familiar with Pinocchio, of course, the beloved wooden puppet who came to life. Can you imagine if Pinocchio were real, and worried about venereal disease? Probably in that context he’d think about termites, right? Termites that would eat his wooden penis? Anyway, that’s not a puppet lady who he’s ogling, so I personally think he should learn more about the human body and the various organisms that make up its extended biome before he goes around trying to have sex with us.

168

Fingers crossed for some good murders to come

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Dick Tracy, 10/14/26

Dick Tracy has a new artist, longtime Tracy superfan Howie Noel, and I am here to report that, in this house, we are now Howie Noel superfans, as this week has reliably delivered panel after panel of real fucked-up shit, which I mean in the most complimentary possible sense. A detective with a neanderthal-level brow ridge and free-flowing beads of sweat. A weird pinheaded nurse in an archaic outfit. A tiny man the size of a ventriloquist’s dummy, or possibly just an actual ventriloquist’s dummy that the nurse is operating. The tiny man/dummy has unpleasantly long fingernails, by the way. A+ all around!

Mary Worth, 10/14/26

OK, so, Toby is still crashing out over the entirely not real Ian/Mary rumors, but let’s look on the bright side for her: artistically, she’s moved on from her “hideous grey animal-shaped blobs” period to her “mawkish painted animal figurines” period, which should be more marketable if nothing else.

Beetle Bailey, 10/14/26

Look, I know that General Halftrack’s coffee tastes can’t possibly be what anyone would call sophisticated, but I refuse to believe that even the most skilled practitioner could make anything in that circa 1975 Mr. Coffee machine that would live up to the name “barista.”

Hi and Lois, 10/14/26

Oh, so Chip isn’t competent to babysit when Hi’s just trying to get some work done at the office, but he’s perfectly capable of doing so when Lois is horny, huh? Interesting. Interesting.

136

Toby’s gonna drown those birds and ironically it’ll make Ian love her again

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Mary Worth, 10/11/26

Apologies, Mary Worth, for implying a few days ago that this dream sequence would not match the boxing Wilburbabies in madness. Parrots! Toby’s beloved parrots! Who, in her mind (at least the subconscious part) are lovers? Perhaps the only two true lovers that Toby knows? And thus she’s imagining various parts of them fading in and out and being replaced by Mary and Ian’s corresponding parts? Bleak stuff! Bleak, terrifying stuff! I like the fact that Ian’s tie and Mary’s trademark cowl neck are the only features that remain constant in both parrot-human hybrid variations. I hope these images recur to haunt Toby for months to come!

Shoe, 10/11/26

Oh, it looks like Shoe also has a dead uncle to crack wise about. He doesn’t merit some kind of cute wordplay, though. “Yeah, he was a dumb asshole and he blew himself up,” that’s what Shoe wants us to know about him. “His guts were everywhere, it was awful.”

Mother Goose and Grimm, 10/11/26

Cinderella is giving Prince Charming real bedroom eyes here, implying that her “great” is not sarcastic and that pumpkin spell is a powerful aphrodisiac in the Grimmiverse. Much to think about.

Blondie, 10/11/26

No! No!! The creators of Blondie have learned about the Gigachad meme! We need to cut the boomers off from the internet entirely until we’ve figured out what’s going on!!!