The Comics Curmudgeon

The years of living dangerously

For Better Or For Worse, 11/19/09

I’ve been staring at this vintage Foob strip for a while, trying to figure out if the seatbelts have been only been drawn in for 21st century reprint purposes. I kind of think they have been, especially based on the final panel, where Ellie’s shoulder strap sort of vanishes abruptly at the edge of her shoulder rather than fading into the zip-a-tone murk as one might expect, and Michael’s lap belt and shoulder strap stay wrapped around him despite his being dragged bodily into the next seat. So, yeah, neither of them were wearing seatbelts when this strip was drawn, presumably in the late 1970s or early 1980s, and that’s OK! It was the style at the time! I can distinctly remember that when I was roughly Michael’s age here — an age at which, I assume, a child today would be lashed into a rear-facing car seat — we had a peppy Plymouth Champ, with a buzzer that would go off if the passenger seatbelt wasn’t fastened; so, my mom would let me fasten it before I got in the car and then I would just sit on top of it. And that was totally normal! She didn’t want me to die or anything! One can be nostalgic for an earlier time with, though you probably wouldn’t be if you had a kid who died in a car accident because they weren’t strapped down properly. Still, does it make me a monster if I wish that newly regenerated young Michael were cruising along unsecured as his mother attempts to drive under the influence of whatever the 1970s Canadian equivalent of NyQuil was? Because we’ve seen what’s in store for him, and maybe it would be better if he just went face-first into that lovingly rendered radio.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/19/09

Ha ha, hilarious fisticuffs delivered! It appears that Tim is rapidly devolving into some kind of feral monster; poor Cue is right to be scared! Unfortunately, if his crib wasn’t capable of keeping out a couple of deranged old people, it certainly won’t provide shelter from whatever kind of violent, hideous gnome Tim has become. I know that sometimes if men act heroic and protective it will cause the ladies to swoon, Tim, but I think Becka will cease to be aroused right around the time you start chewing off Cue’s face.

Lockhorns, 11/19/09

I’m assuming this is one of those “I walked into a doorway” domestic violence cover-up stories, because I’ve never actually seen Leroy and Loretta in church. And really, why would they go? Why would they worship any deity who has placed them into a universe of such intense and unmitigated misery?

Mary Worth, 11/19/09

Normally statements along the lines of “my life was an empty desert of existential meaninglessness until I started nurturing new life inside my uterus” enrage me, but I’m willing to allow it here on the off chance that Delilah is subtly trying to insult the childless Mary Worth. “Mary, don’t you wish you had come to your senses sooner … before your once bountiful womb became withered and barren?” Thus perhaps this isn’t a Delilah-centered story we’re starting; rather, she may just be returning in a cameo to put the real plot in action. Just as Tommie the Tweaker reappeared just to prove that Ella Bird’s psychic powers were legit, so too will Delilah’s child-bearing smugness primarily serve to send Mary into a funk that she can only solve one way: by forcing Dr. Jeff to steal a baby for her.

Metapost: No fuss, no muss, just comments of the week

For once, there’s no further ado … just this week’s top comment.

“I don’t think the Luann writers understand that ‘risotto’ is not just ‘what the gays call rice.’” –teddytoad

And the almost-as-funny runners up!

“I’ve only read Mark Trail for a few months but the sneaky ball cap on Mr. Trail in the first panel — COME ON! It’s as unnatural as making your pets wear clothes. What’s next, a soul patch? Oh, I’m watching you, Elrod.” –Orange Cactus

“Jamaal, you’re my best friend and I value our time together, but can we save the food critique for a time when I’m not being molested by a giant disembodied Jheri-Curl?” –Chyron HR

“I’m highly skeptical of the idea that Crankshaft would even for a moment balk at either hacking something up with a giant knife or participating in an activity the ultimate goal of which is to terrify children.” –Violet

“Nothing builds a sense of community like everyone in the neighborhood gathering round to lynch the couple who gave you loose bowel movements.” –Laocoon

“Crankshaft: ‘What time is it?’ Lady: ‘Five o’clock.’ Crankshaft: ‘Fuck you.’” –Red Greenback describes pretty much every Crankshaft ever published

“Pam’s tragic optimism in panel one just kills me. I mean, just stone cold kills me dead. She cheerfully and enthusiastically asks her father if he wants to carve jack-o-lanterns, hoping he’ll say — what? Perhaps: ‘I’d love to, darling! I realize I was a complete prick as a father, and I can never hope to make up for the damage I’ve done to your self-image, but I hope it’s not too late to show you some of the affection I cruelly withheld from you for decades.’ The only way the ’shaft would ever say that, though, is in sarcasm. Good god, Pam. You’re holding a knife. What are you waiting for?” –Joe Blevins

“I love Bobbie: strung out on her addiction and weary from attempts at emotionally manipulating people she cares nothing for, she still remembers to think ‘whom’. She may be a goofball fiend but she has breeding.” –Cliff Arroyo

“A stint in the Foreign Legion will teach young Cory some discipline. Why not send him off to Crock? It’ll improve both strips.” –Mooncattie

“See, say what you want about Lynn Johnston, but it’s her flying in the face of the gag strips’ general disregard for week-to-week continuity that makes her a treasure. If Herb & Jamaal were so honest it would have to henceforth be called Jamaal & the Guy with the Horribly Scalded and Disfigured Bozac.” –Edgy DC

“The Mommy Wars have made it to Hootin’ Holler. Soon every strip will be about the competition to get Junior into the best one-room schoolhouse the barter-system can buy.” –Mollie

“I think the Spider-Man strip would be a lot better if the next several ones were just actual pages from The Dog in The Fog. And then Spider-Man is defeated by a lead pipe at the end.” –Gnoll

In response to the proposal that Luann and Gunther dress as each other for Halloween: “I dunno, I don’t think even the most exquisitely crafted costume could capture the sheer horror that is Gunther. Or disguise it.” –commodorejohn

“A fiber optic jack-o-lantern? What, are we Episcopalian now?” –PoeWar

“‘And just to show you your little girl’s safe … I downloaded the new iStalk app for my 2-inch-thick iPhone so I can watch everything she does.’ ‘I like this book even better than the other one, Mr. Foghorn. But why are you pointing that camera at my face?’ ‘Stop asking questions. Shut up and read your crappy fake Dr. Seuss books! You’re not paying me enough for this, Bigshot!’” –Bob

“Am I the only one who thinks that it’s horrible that the Sandman’s daughter is called ‘Sandy’? Because that’s horrible.” –AndyL

“It’s fitting that the only porn in the Foobiverse consists of be-wigged muppets.” –yellojkt

“I realize that most of us view the Keanes as a medieval-minded cult of reactionaries, but I have to say that I’m impressed by the amount of obvious trust they’re placing in Billy by arming him with that scythe.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Bobbie, there aren’t enough symbols on the keyboard to describe how badly you need a makeover.” –NoahSnark

“Rocky, on a 10-minute break from his job at the nuclear power plant, talks to his life partner on the phone. They have a small tiff based mainly on Rocky’s insecurities about a horse, which is possibly a euphemism for erectile dysfunction.” –MolyBendum

“Why is Billy dressed as the ghost of Flava Flav?” –Stij

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“Who” indeed

For Better Or For Worse, 7/21/09

Just for the record, I am attempting to maintain, both on general principles and for my own mental health, a moratorium on commenting on retread FBOFW — a foobatorium, if you will. Still, occasionally one of the new strips scattered amongst the reruns demands comment, and this is one of them. I’m not even going to comment on the weird ham-handed acknowledgement of authorial ham-handedness (although notice telling quote marks around “write,” hmmmm); rather I just want to point out that one of these ladies is a lot more enthusiastic about all this deus ex machinaing than the other.

Connie: I moved here specifically because I wanted to be close to you!
Ellie, facial expression carefully neutral: Mmm.
Connie: Lots of people totally lose touch with their college friends and never see them again!
Ellie: Um, yes, that is … what some might expect to happen … with some of their college friends.
Connie: We’re living in a magical storybook!
Ellie: STAY AWAY FROM MY KIDS YOU FEMINIST SINGLE-MOTHER CAREER-WOMAN WHORE.

Apartment 3-G, 7/21/09

Margaret Shulock took over Apartment 3-G writing duties in, I think, late 2005, and when I finally got around to noticing this the following April, I hinted, not even a little subtly, that I should have been given the job. But I can say with some degree of certainty that I would never have come up with a “disgruntled Margo has an audience with the Dalai Lama” scenario. King Features clearly made the correct choice.

Oh, and in that first link, note that Margo is talking about going to law school, a plot thread that clearly has never been heard from again, but how cool would that have been? I’m not sure if she’d be more terrifying as a prosecutor or a defense attorney; I imagine that she’d eventually be the star of her own syndicated judge show, as soon as the prudes at the FCC made it legal to show dismemberments on broadcast TV during the day.

Gil Thorp, 7/21/09

“And by ‘make a call,’ I mean ‘crush this cell phone with my mighty fist’! You see that, evil-doing stalkers? You don’t scare me! GIL SMASH!”

The true north drunk and randy

For Better Or For Worse, 3/23/09

Generally speaking, I have chosen to ignore the “new-run” incarnation of For Better Or For Worse, partly to protest the strip’s shameless failure to fade away gracefully, and partly because it turns out that 99 percent of the fun was mocking the twists and turns of the end-game melodrama. I had intended to similarly pass over the current mostly-new storyline, in which Elly has gone off to Vancouver, leaving John alone to go whoring with his caddish co-worker at “The Swig And Swine” (BECAUSE MEN ARE DRUNK PIGS GET IT). But I was driven to briefly return from my self-imposed exile from Foobonia by panel two, in which the strip betrays its most important value: its Canadianosity. Seriously, what self-respecting Canuck would offer a toast with words that rebellious scoundrels used to separate part of His Majesty’s North American possessions from the mother country? This horny dentist’s ancestors were probably driven out of the southerly colonies by anti-royalist mobs with that very phrase on their lips! A real Canadian patriot would have instead raised a mug of Molson Golden to peace, order, and good government, and if that would have made it harder to transition to a terrible pun about trying to fuck the waitress, well, so much the better.

Apartment 3-G, 3/23/09

So the current Tommie storyline will apparently center on Dr. Kelly showing up at Apartment 3-G unannounced and putting her increasingly awkward situations. Since previous Tommie storylines included such gems as “Tommie is repeatedly insulted by her ditzy neighbor” and “Tommie tries and fails to seduce her married friend,” I say bring it on!

Children are kind of a wild card in the Apartment 3-G universe, as I can’t remember them ever appearing before, or any of the characters expressing the slightest interest in their existence. Margo’s reaction upon returning home and finding two short, unruly humans in her apartment ought to be priceless, at any rate. “Tommie, I was just trying to get them to settle down! It’s not my fault they can’t hold their liquor!”

Dick Tracy, 3/23/09

It looks like Dick Tracy, having eliminated all crime through his patented brand of Bill-of-Rights-violating mayhem, is now going to take on distasteful but wholly legal business practices. Next up: AIG executives are forced to pay back their bonuses … with their flesh.

Metapost: Old-timey comics COTW!

COTW coming shortly, but first there are a number of exciting items to cover! I hope you will find them to be of interest.

First off, John Hall was the first of several faithful readers to send me a link to this amazing LA Times comics page from 1959. (I can’t actually seem to find the blog post or whatever this is actually used in on the LA Times site, but will add a link if someone points it out to me. UPDATE: Here ya go.) The whole thing is great, obviously, but here are a few of our favorite strips particularly worth noting:

Sadly, the preserved page was from one of the few days in which Dick Tracy did not depict a scene of gruesome carnage (though we apparently just missed a public drowning). Still, panel two should draw your attention, as Popsie appears to be weeping so violently that her inhumanly long tongue is dangling out. Perhaps she’s about to vomit?

Here’s Mary Worth, accosting a comical foreigner! My guess is that she shanghaied wealthy Cousin Constance, forced her to rewrite her will to make Mary the sole beneficiary, and then did away with her, explaining the condo-centered life of monied ease she has today.

This is Judge Parker. You wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t told you, because there are no tits in it.

Also! Many, many faithful readers pointed me to two interesting items. The first is Ombudsmen, a series in the PvP Webcomic that spoofs Watchmen with newspaper comic strip characters. It is funny! Also, in another sign that the end times approacheth, some Hollywood executives (who were almost certainly high, on drugs) have decreed that Marmaduke: The Movie should exist. I right now am personally volunteering to write the screenplay for this. In my vision, the film ends in the ultimate battle to the death between Marmaduke, with all his demonic powers in full force, and his owner, who has at last been revealed to be Hitler, kept alive by dark magic. There won’t be a dry eye (or pair of pants) in the house.

And, finally, faithful reader Orange Cactus sends this photo from a cybercafe in Mumbai. “Apparently Dennis is now outsourcing his non-menacing to India,” he notes. (Of course, Dennis has been on his extremely non-menacing public health kick in the US for years.)

Oh, hey, and what’s this post about? Comment of the week, innit?

“‘I heard the CIA job didn’t pan out, so she moved back here!’ ‘That’s what she said!’ has to be the worst construction of the ‘That’s what she said’ joke in recorded history.” –fancycwabs

And the hilarious runners up!

“It is so sad that Ted only has two Facebook friends. He used to have three. But then his wife died. Did you hear about his wife dying? He’s mentioned it a few times.” –Sunny Paris

“Even pluggers suffering from debilitating OCD are horrendously dull.” –Patrick

“He’s seriously injured! And look, the deer also dyed him a uniform shade of bright blue before it left! It may seem cruel to do that, but it’s nature’s way. I see it already coated you, Patty. Kind of stings, doesn’t it? You know, poachers kill tens of deer every year to sell their blueing glands to Chinese apothecaries.” –ouranosaurus

“Ashley! Watch out for that vampire going after your wrist in the hospital! The only thing worse than life in Milford is eternal unlife in Milford!” –Lithros

“Yes, every plugger must struggle with the three C’s: cholesterol, constipation, and crushing despair.” –Joe Blevins

“Recent structural changes to strips like FOOB and Winkerbean have me musing on the advantages of jumping Hi and Lois back or ahead a decade. Chip could be a new employee at Foofram Industries, working at a soul-stripping non-job at the desk next to Dad, with his long hair long since chopped to corporate-approved length and middle-aged bald patch well on the way. Dot and Ditto could be strung-out lookalikes, mooning for quarters down at the bus station for their next fix. Trixie would be ten-and-a-half, still in diapers, still unable to speak a word, forgotten by the rest of the family, continuing to mutter on internally about some damm Sunbeam. And Lois would be lounging around all day amongst bottles of Plovdiv, giggling insanely about recent parties that never actually happened. As for resetting the strip back ten years, it would at least eliminate the irritating younger characters.” –Mooncattie

“I don’t know what creeps me out more about this particular Gil Thorp entry: The old man pretending to be a trainer so he can reach up Ashley’s trunks to make sure her knee is OK, or the floating head that seems to be haunting Ashley’s bedside, hoping to have finally found a suitable body donor.” –Terry Loves Cricket

“Beetle Bailey may be guilty of a lot of stuff, including the crudest of racial caricature and casual misogyny, but there’s one thing you can’t accuse it of: relevance.” –teddytoad

“The reason that Alice got that error message is that she mis-typed her password. There’s only one e in infanticide.” –seismic-2

“No wonder the computer crashes … there’s no steering wheel. Also, you stink of gin and desperation. More importantly, 90% of the things we do, the stuff we own, and the clothes we wear would indicate that we still live in the fifties, so I can’t image that you would really understand how to use a computer. I don’t get them either, to be honest, but at least I have the excuse of being a five year old. I’m going to go sit in the corner now, because clearly expressing my opinion or showing any individuality is a punishable offense in the house. Do you know why I hang around with an ass like Mr. Wilson? Because at least he knows how to express an emotion, you cold witch. Menace out!” –PoeWar

“I think it is obvious that Patty is insane and Ken actually died as a result of his dealings with his antlered nemesis. Battered-Patty has now brought him back in the only way she can: by painting his two-dimensional face and shoulders onto the pillow.” –diddly

“The only thing that tastes worse than castor oil is cod liver oil. Or maybe the sour essence of defeat that every plugger must sample.” –Islamorada Girl

“So, what laxatives might other comic characters use? I figure Mark Trail eats grasses and ferns until things clear up.” –Brick Bradford

“That second panel of Mary Worth with the ‘Fragile … vulnerable … young…’ is one of the creepiest things ever. I think it’s his facial non-expression. I can’t help but imagine it being followed with a truly vile slurping sound as he licks his lips.” –Danel

“Haha, Ed! Just keep that suit on. You’ll save the undertaker the trouble of dressing you when it’s your turn.” –Harold

“You can’t blame me for being reluctant to let go! You know I hate it when people are happy; that’s what first attracted me to you.” –Alan’s Addiction

“In four out of seven panels, Lois’ eyes have seized open to a degree that can only be explained by a mescaline binge. I think she’s freaking out. ‘Who are all these kids? Why are they all screaming? Holy @#%#, one’s an alien! Must … escape.’” –David Schraub

“The real gold in Mary Worth today is panel four. Dr. Jeff voices an independent thought and he immediately shrinks coweringly as his eyes flash to his right to look for the blow he’s been conditioned to expect.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly there is only one way this Mary Worth plotline can end: with Ted cheating on Adrian, followed by her running back to the arms of her childhood sweetheart Anthony in a pairing heartily endorsed by her just-a-bit-too-controlling father. Wait, what?” –Windier E. Megatons

“Patty and Ken: Here’s to your future horrible half-ungulate, half sapien spawn. May it be the glue that keeps your abusive forest home together forever — or at least in shamed silence that none shall ever speak of or illustrate again.” –Lettuce

“My first thought was that April is, of course, still in the CIA. My second thought was, I wonder what’s for lunch? Then I wandered around for a little while thinking about bears and how it would be nice to see one again in Mark Trail.” –Bootsy

“Slylock’s official-looking ‘Warrant,’ when examined more closely, consists of nothing more than the lyrics to ‘Cherry Pie’ transcribed in a clumsy scrawl with crude, cringe-inducing illustrations to match. That’s the only explanation I can imagine for the expression on Koppy’s face.” –One-Eyed Wolfdog

As ever, tip jar contributors are the real heroes of the week! And our advertisers are none too shabby either:

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Metapost: Happy mid-December COTW!

Hey there, it’s COTW time! But first, as ever, there are Items to share!

• Item the first: faithful reader commodorejohn has composed another comics-inspired instrumental piece! His ode to Apartment 3-G will haunt your dreams.
• Item the second: faithful reader wocket points me to a fabulous blog called Scott Meets The Family Circus, in which the titular Scott enters the twisted world of the Keanes and harasses them.

And now, without further ado, it’s this week’s top comment!

“I’m more than a little disturbed that Andy has been trained to lick objects on command. ‘Ok, fellow, see what you can do with this.’” –BB

And the many hilarious runners up!

“Margo actually knows more drug terminology, but she’s kept it to herself ever since the time she used the phrase ‘shooting up with marijuana’ and a nearby twelve-year-old laughed so hard he had an asthma attack and had to be rushed to the hospital.” –Paul1963

“The people on the boat are obnoxious and hateful; now they’re telling bad puns; I fear that Rex, June, and Sarah are trapped on a Foob cruise.” –ChristianPinko

“The dialogue in Mary Worth may sound stilted, as most of us no longer speak Meddle English.” –Beatrice

“Gee, I hope Mary doesn’t slip and break her hip on that puddle of her own anticipatory drool as she tries to get outside faster.” –Pinokeyo’s Wife

“Sue: Pop, have you seen Mark?
Pop: Yes, yes, I remember him. Good lookin’ fella. Very knowledgeable about waterfowl. Who is this?
Sue: It’s Sue.
Pop: Sue who?
Sue: The woman who’s draining your swamp.
Pop: What swamp? I haven’t seen a swamp around here in a long time.
Sue: That’s because I… never mind. Where’s Mark?
Pop: Oh yes, I went out looking for him yesterday. Then it was time for Judge Judy, and gee, I just plumb forgot to go back out.
Sue: So where is he?
Pop: Dunno. Prob’ly croc turds by now. Who did you say you were, young lady?” –Hogen Mogen

Re: Luann’s Brad fleeing to a monastery: “But what monastery would want him? He has the social skills of a dim twelve-year-old, and his practical skills are doing school programs with a miniature fire truck and buying melons while thinking about breasts. I bet most monasteries aren’t that desperate.” –Poteet

“Brad will spend the whole trip wandering around the beach in his jams and a white crew neck T-shirt carrying a pair of coconuts. Oh, and he’ll be wearing a wide-brimmed hat.” –Pastor Z

“I would really like to see a Mary Worth strip where Lynn’s father gets into a fight with another overbearing figure skater dad while Lynn pleads in the background, ‘Please, Father, take it out of doors!’” –sean b

“I’m guessing that Andy actually couldn’t care less about Mark, and is simply attracted to the lingering odor of decades-old shrimp. Mark’s lime, coconut, and Tabasco-scented cologne only makes the aroma that much more intriguing.” –BigTed

“Amateur fetish model Mark Trail is staring straight into the camera, breaking the fourth wall with a ‘Gee, big boy, I’m all tied up and helpless!’ come-hither look. Like his mentor, Bettie Page, Mark knows that jet-black bangs and feigned innocence are the most powerful aphrodisiacs of all.” –Jessie

“I have always assumed that Mark smells like what ever industrial grade hair product he happens to use. While we never see inside the Trails’ bathroom (thank the Gods for that small favor), we can’t know for certain just what product he uses, but given the texture, sheen, and immovability of Mark’s hair … my money is on Penzoil 30 weight.” –IronMouse

“Sure, Svanhildur is an interesting name, but not half as interesting as those gravity-defying pigtails. I’m not too familiar with Cleats; does the name refer to the way people have to cling to the Earth with their shoes because gravity pulls upward?” –Malta

“Congratulations, you found a Ziggy comic that made me laugh. This means the death penalty.” –Dur Tahar

“…so my father zambonied Greg to death and buried him in our yard.” –Whippersnapper

“I am guessing that Mark, stripped of all punching power, pretty much smells a lot like the puddle of urine he is sitting in.” –AMSTERDANG

“I certainly learned something about swans today: They may look like graceful things of beauty, elegant like objects of romanticized art — but they’re really dangerously angry monsters, deceptively willing to tear you apart for any or no reason. In other words: Swans are all just like Margo.” –Mibbitmaker

“I hope this Mark Trail storyline goes on a little longer. Soon the recaps will take so long that we’ll have a strip that’s nothing but a solid wall of narration boxes being spouted by a condor.” –Black Drazon

“Ziggy is name of Germanic origin meaning ‘victory’ and/or ‘protection.’ I can’t think of a more grossly misnamed character on the comics page. I mean, Margo means ‘pearl,’ which at least describes her pasty, vampiric complexion, and Peter Parker means ‘stone gamekeeper,’ an object as useless as our so-called hero. Revision: an object almost as useless as our so-called hero. A stone gamekeeper at least could be used to stop a bullet or hold open a door, tho’ I wouldn’t mind seeing Peter stop a bullet, after which he could reliably be used as a doorstop.” –Comrade Denny

“With all of those amazing abilities Andy possesses, you’d think he could mix a decent julep.” –Dingo

“‘Whoa, sarcasm!’ I realize that Margo will just likely lay larva in his chest cavity like she does so many other victims of hers, but for a brief instant I think we may have someone who can hold his own against her, at least for a panel or two.” –True Fable

“Lay off Mark’s grammar, everyone! ‘You’re doing good’ is perfectly grammatical; it’s simply that ‘good’ here is a noun rather than an adjective. He is not indicating that Andy is doing well at the task, but rather that untying Mark is an objectively good deed. I am sure it’s simply Mark’s way, just as when training animals, instead of ‘bad dog’, they get a stern ‘you’re doing evil.’ Moral shaming is pretty much Mark’s favorite tactic. Moral shaming with his fists.” –Aelfric

“So let me get this straight — in the world of Apartment 3G, everyone is presumed guilty until proven innocent, but Margo is still allowed to roam freely? How does that make any sense at all? And speaking of proof, I think the detective needs to prove that he’s not actually Eric Mills after a healthy application of Grecian Formula.” –Trilobite

“‘Beetle, is the jeep fixed yet?’ If by ‘fixed’ you mean ‘converted from a rugged military vehicle into a one-seater children’s toy’ … then yes.” –survivor

“Hasn’t Marvin learned to speak? I thought that was a thing. So he’s only thought-ballooning to be an ass. Which, I mean, mission accomplished, really.” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

“The final panel of today’s Mark Trail would be much better with fewer educational text boxes and the addition of a thought balloon over the head of the chickadee on the right. ‘My,’ it thinks to itself, ‘I hadn’t realized until he hung upside down beside me, but Carl has a mighty fine-lookin’ anus!’” –Tom the Pirate

“Wow … look at Mary Worth, panel five. Someone broke the news to her that her crush died so immediately after she won the Junior Championship that she was still wearing her skating outfit and her medal. Who is this, her spiteful arch-nemesis, angry that she only came in runner-up? ‘Oh, hey Lynn, great job winning the competition! By the way, did you hear that the boy you’ve been in love with all year, the only friend you ever had, died? Yeah, I’m so sorry I had to be the one to break it to you. Oh, here are the reporters from the local paper! Have fun with those interviews!’” –Rita Lake and the Special Goddesses

“As for those smugglers, the only evidence we’ve seen is that they smuggle nature writers. Unless: he meant ‘snugglers,’ and all the speculation about swamp sexual hi-jinks came true!” –buckyswife

“The great thing about reading A3G day in and day out is that it grinds the scale of your expectations down to the point where the sudden appearance of a non-blue article of clothing delivers the relative comic-soap impact of a dozen real-life Tunguska events. Did you see that bright yellow shirt today? Holy shit, yeah! You know you did! WHOOO!” –One-eyed Wolfdog

Also worth reading is faithful reader Dingo’s take on the Night Before Christmas.

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• Hot blogger action:If you only buy one sexy calendar this year, make sure it’s this one, featuring your Comics Curmudgeon, Josh Fruhlinger! Plus Sally Forth scribe Ces Marciuliano, and other hot dudes. Also available: a calendar full of hot blogging ladies. Don’t miss out!
• Josh teams up with MST3K alums! Enjoy MST3K-style ribbing of the weepiest Spider-Man ever — with Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and your very own Comics Curmudgeon!

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