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Beetle Bailey, 1/23/11

This is, without doubt, the saddest Beetle Bailey I’ve ever seen, sadder than all the “Beetle and Sarge have a forbidden love for one another” strips combined. Never mind the fact that Beetle’s family lives in some kind of bygone day when hand-written letters constitute the only means of communication at a distance; Beetle’s brother’s speculation that the soldier no longer loves his family is all the more heartbreaking for being so matter-of-fact. But the real emotional gut punch comes in the final panel. Little Chigger is young or stupid enough to think that the mere receipt of a letter is enough to maintain the emotional ties within the Bailey family; but the expressions on the faces of his parents show how devastated they are by Beetle’s affectless, demanding letter. They’ll send the money — if that’s the only way they can keep the thin thread between themselves and their son in place, they’ll do it — but something inside them has been snuffed out.

As a side note: Beetle’s brother is named “Chigger”? Really? As you may or may not know, Hi and Lois‘s Lois is Beetle’s sister, so we have to wonder what her real name was — Ladybug? — before she got married and fled this sad, creepy family for good.

Crankshaft, 1/23/11

Oh, look, it’s another cheery day in the Funkyverse. Today, we learn that you can either be driven mad by the horrible scratching of the vermin that live in your walls, or you can turn up the TV and be deafened with awful news about our nation’s economic crisis. Those are your choices!

Panel from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/23/11

Here’s the question I want to ask, doctor: why are you having Loweezy lower Li’l Tater into that enormous pie shell? How many more infants will you need to complete your monstrous baby pie, and who will be eating it?

Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/23/11

Ah, the narcotic of television sedates unruly children and elders alike, putting them into a trance-like state so that they won’t bother you with their irritating opinions or desires. I preserve the first panel here mainly to note that Dennis the Menace has finally caught up to 1999, with unsettling results.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because spending time doing things with your wife that she enjoys is worse than the most heinous physical torture!

Hi and Lois, 1/23/11

Ha ha, it’s funny because an open and honest relationship with your wife will be seen by your male friends as a betrayal!

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Mary Worth, 1/22/10

What an appropriate epigraph for this strip! Just as the silence of John Cage’s 4′ 33″ allows the audience to hear everyday and incidental sounds anew, so too has the mental silence of Mary’s forced forgetting allowed Jill to hear the quiet, clear voices in her head, the ones urging suicide.

Archie, 1/22/10

The Archie gang’s experiment with polyamory does not appear to be going well! Guys, it’s important that you negotiate with your primary partners to establish mutually agreed parameters of relationships with secondary partners if this is going to work.

Luann, 1/22/10

Shannon’s preparation for her future life as a deranged but charismatic dictator is going disturbingly well.

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A couple quick notes before you get your CsOTW: Too Hot For Church shirts exist, and half-priced ads are still available for cartoonists! And now, on with the COTW:

“BUZZ BUZZ! Sorry, Margo, that wasn’t a valid response. Remember, defensiveness does not count as bitchiness. The correct response was, ‘You bumpkins deserve each other!’ Tommie, yawn away ten points.” –Doctor Handsome

And the runners up, very funny!

“In Paleo-Pluggers, does ‘courted’ mean ‘savagely attacked and shook until the neck broke, before carrying the lifeless body back to your own territory to be devoured at your leisure?’ Because that’s where I see that relationship going. A dog with that look on his face and that many hearts floating in front of him is definitely thinking about food.” –Harold

“In fairness to Scott, he IS wearing his dress undershirt.” –Adfella

“‘I’m nervous about venturing too far’? Who talks that way? Is it Santa Royale cop lingo?” –Cayuga

“As bad as this honeymoon trip is turning out to be, I’ll bet it’s still better than the sex.” –Poteet

“Shannon looks like a tiny Mossad agent spotting the last living Nazi officer in Argentina. No need to bring him back alive, Shannon.” –Ed Dravecky

“Fun fact: dog-chicken offspring are born encased in a quivering, soft-shelled chrysalis — it’s not quite an egg, and it’s not quite a placenta, but as any Dog-Plugger will tell you, it’s good eatin’.” –Walker of Dog

“You were ruined by a shady investment counselor? How interesting! June and I were ruined by a shitty inker, so…” –Edgy DC

“Simulating fellatio has become tedious for Tommie.” –Red Greenback

“The new hubby is now repacking the trunk, again. One day he will realize that suitcases can be laid on their side, but not today.” –Neal R

“Today’s Jumble is like ‘Goofus and Gallant Work the Night Shift at WalMart.'” –AndyL

“Yeah, I’m going to have to add Mary Worth to the list of comics best understood as taking place entirely within the mind of someone being hanged at Owl Creek Bridge. The list is longer than most casual comics readers might suspect.” –Spunde

“Tommie thinks that she and Margo are literally in the same boat, as the waters rise past their ankles from Margo’s running an unattended bath. ‘That’s not exactly comforting, Tommie, we’ll all be drowned soon enough, purple robes and all.'” –TheLundbom

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