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Hello everybody! I’m back, and want to say a huge thank you to Uncle Lumpy for pinch hitting and running the fundraiser, and to everyone who participated in said fundraiser, and to those who took the plunge on the Patreon, the latter of which will have some Interesting Benefits in coming months! I will be sending out a questionnaire this week to everyone who qualified for a tote bag finding out if you want said tote bag and if so where I should send it, so if you think you should’ve gotten one of those but don’t by the end of the week, please email me to let me know!

Meanwhile, I’ve crawled out of the smoldering crater where I spent the last week and am ready to bring you more comics joy!

Mary Worth, 10/24/16

If by “joy” you mean “dramatic older-lady-reading-the-newspaper-in-her-tastefully-appointed-condo-unit action,” which I certainly do, as I hope it’s obvious by now! Anyway, Tommy’s drug problems seem to have been solved by oppressive mothering and our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, so now we’re beginning an exciting new story! Has Wilbur returned from his trip to harass the Japanese without informing Mary? How dare he? The upcoming pool party is going to be extremely icy.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/24/16

Welp, as predicted, Bull has been diagnosed with concussion-induced chronic traumatic encephalopathy. This prompted his abrupt retirement, which is ostensibly to enjoy spending some time with his remaining cognitive abilities, but also has the benefit of protecting his student-athletes from his intermittent rage attacks. Do you think the kids on the team have been told why their coach is leaving mid-season, or are they being kept in the dark so that they don’t all quit football forever en masse when confronted with visceral evidence of what it can do to the human brain?

Six Chix, 10/24/16

Wait, does … does the “cats have nine lives” thing only apply to cats owned by witches? I’m pretty sure it doesn’t only apply to cats owned by witches.

Dennis the Menace, 10/24/16

“His skin, so lifelike — his pose, so natural. Nobody would ever guess that he was taxidermied over a decade ago and placed in his favorite chair to terrify neighborhood children! I tell ya, Gina, this sort of craftsmanship is a dying art. I guarantee you we won’t look this good when it’s our time.”

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Hey guys! I’m taking the next week or so off, so you’ll be the capable hands of Uncle Lumpy, starting tomorrow and running through Sunday the 23rd. As usual, he loves you all too much and too equally to favor just one of your witty japes, so this week’s top comment will stand for a couple of weeks:

“We newspaper colourists get a lot of stick, but damn it, today I’m going to show what I can do! Look at the rich, fiery show of the autumnal Appalachians, with every leaf a unique shimmering blend of golds and reds and… [notices panel 2] SCREW IT, THEY’RE ALL GOING TO BE MUD BROWN” –Schroduck

These runners up are also hilarious!

“Is Dagwood having a midlife crisis? Cookie’s bride price would usually come from the owner of a luxury restaurant.” –Philip Moon, on Twitter

“I’m fascinated by this insight into mermaid developmental biology. I would have guessed that a merbaby would look a lot like a human baby in size and shape except for a fish tail. Instead, we see that the merbaby looks like a miniature adult. To hell with the zookeeper — sell the merbaby to a good research laboratory.” –Poteet

“Sam has been a consistent delight through this. I cherish his look of irritation in that first panel after the logo. ‘Abbey! Abbey, please, this is suede! Suede! The calves who died for this jacket were specifically chosen for their cuteness! Can you comprehend that?’” –Joe Blevins

“I like how elderly Rep. Bellowsworth looks like a perfectly-preserved dowager from the 1920s, while her millennial assistant sports shades, a Beiber haircut and is named ‘Selfy’. Just nice to know that the writer holds anyone who isn’t their exact age in deep contempt.” –pugfuggly

“CRT television? Check. Kerosene lamp? Check. Corded phone? Che– Waaait a minute! It’s touch-tone, not rotary!? Poser!” –Peanut gallery

“At the inquest, Sarge swore he didn’t realize that they had removed the lone branch sticking out of the cliff, and since everyone stopped giving a damn about Beetle Bailey 50 years ago, no charges were brought.” –Dread

“I don’t have my books handy, so could someone tell me which Philip K. Dick drug it is that Tommy’s been taking in lieu of Vicodin that’s making him younger (seeming) but will likely have horrendous consequences for the space-time continuum? Slow Death? Can-D? JJ-180? Anyway, I look forward to Tommy’s paranoid breakdown and eventual violent outburst at the pool party as he tries to tear off Mary’s ‘mask’ and — to everyone’s horror — succeeds.” –Effluvius Erratus

“Hello and welcome to Solving Crossword Puzzles 101. Look to your left. Look to your right. Look at 48 Across, ‘French Poe-litician.’” –Aphthakid

“I was wondering why the whole shoe-shining conversation would cause Daisy to look so excited/concerned. Then I realized that she’s in the middle of an existential crisis. ‘Wait a second! Shouldn’t there be a chair next to Dagwood’s, facing in a different direction. Are no comic strip tropes sacred anymore?’” –Pozzo

“Going against Hollywood trends, this modern reboot of De Sica’s Shoeshine is much less gritty.” –Ettore

“Regarding the Lunarian menace, the Constitution only applies to people (persons) — not to aliens. So I think we can safely revoke the ‘citizenship’ of these aliens and send them off to Area 51 for dissection … I mean study. See Alf v. United States, 185 U.S. 592, 595 (Secret Docket 1990); see also United States v. Mork, 134 U.S. 823, 824 (Secret Docket, 1982); In re One Extraterrestrial Being, 134 U.S. 777, 791 (Secret Docket, 1982).” –Voshkod

“The way that Grandmother’s China was bolded means it is a family heirloom from the 9th century court of Charlemagne. Please let Nikki drop a piece by ‘accident.’” –hogenmogen

“It takes serious dedication to your craft to have your palm of your throwing hand tattooed with the number 7 even if you’re not planning on trying out for the team. ‘Every time I throw a pass, I’m thinking it’s going for seven. I’m serious about this. Are you serious, Kevin? Well, are you?’” –Travesty of Justice

“Plugger men are henpecked — literally! (Because they never get to do what they want, and also because they’re married to chickens.)” –BigTed

“I’m thinking how freakin’ cool would it be to have Ant-Man and Spider-Man salt and pepper shakers? It definitely would one-up the Morgans and their four sets of dinnerware.” –Dood

“If Sarge really wants to experience the full effects of Miss Buxley’s perfume, he should adopt Beetle’s strategy of using his hat to permanently obscure his vision. Everyone knows that when you lose one sense, your other senses become sexier.” –K.M.

“Whatever you do, don’t think about the fact that Beetle just had sex with a woman he’s never even called by her first name.” –Steve S.

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And let’s give thanks to our advertisers:

• Two Party Opera: A daily comic that features the Presidents of the United States as they live on the stage of history and the day-to-day news of political mudslinging.
• Bluebeards Original is proud to join The Comics Curmudgeon as an advertiser! Company owner Paul Kaniewski is a longtime follower of this site, to the point that it inspired him to created the famed Aldo Kelrast MySpace profile. Bluebeards has been making top-rated beard care products for ten years now, so any bearded folks or those that love them, please check out the site and try their stuff.
• Oh, yes, and my novel is something you should buy, in hardback, paperback, or ebook form! It’s called The Enthusiast, and it’s about trains, comics, stealth marketing, capitalism, and joy

If you’d like to buy advertising on the site, you can do so on a CPM basis through BuySellAds. To find out more, you can go to my BuySellAds page or just click here.

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Hagar the Horrible, 10/14/16

You know I’m fascinated by Hagar strips about the transition from Norse paganism to Christianity, but today’s strip is a particularly unsettling entry it that canon. Traditionally, Scandinavians believed in a sort of vaguely defined afterlife that resembled Greek and Roman versions of the underworld; the idea that there was a distinction between Hel and Valhalla, with only the latter allotted to brave warriors, comes from a late, post-pagan source, and is now widely discredited. So the idea that death might be followed by some kind of divinely ordained reward for virtue — or, in this case, awful, eternal punishment for inadequacy — is a new one, and one that some are apparently embracing with more gusto than others.

Gil Thorp, 10/14/16

Speaking of things that displease the gods: I had been holding out that we hadn’t yet seen the ritualistic season-kickoff bonfire in Gil Thorp because it precedes our heroes’ home opener. But here we are, with Milford playing its first game at Mudlark Field (note: may not be actual name of stadium) without having received the ordained benediction by fire. Already we can see the divine punishment beginning: that pouring rain will not cease until Coaches Gil and Kaz, the entire Mudlark team, and the heretical Milford school board that nixed the bonfire as a cost-cutting and public safety measure are wiped from existence in an awful cleansing flood.

Beetle Bailey, 10/14/16

One of the running bits I did in the early years of this blog was that the secret subtext of Beetle Bailey was that Sarge and Beetle were lovers, which I eventually dropped because, with changing mainstream mores and the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, the idea got a lot less transgressive. It’s good to see that the strip agrees with me and is upping its game when it comes to these two. I’m not sure what exactly is happening here today, but it’s definitely unspeakably perverse.