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Dennis the Menace, 8/3/15

You know, my usual schtick with Dennis the Menace is to reinterpret innocent kid whimsy as something more adult and unsettling and slap a “menacing rating” on it, but, you know what? Today the strip’s doing it for me. Dennis has learned that if he preys on other people’s vanities and insecurities, he can get things from them. And from his facial expression, he’s not conflicted about this at all. It’s great! It’s also extremely menacing. He’s a straight up sociopath!

Crankshaft, 8/3/15

Meanwhile, today’s Crankshaft has decided to bypass a punchline more or less entirely and just go for straight up ennui. Ha ha, it’s funny because Lilian (or is it Lucy, I can’t keep them straight) uses a turn of phrase the girls don’t understand, and they just stare at her blankly, a widening gulf between them mocking everybody’s attempt to have a single moment of human connection!

Apartment 3-G, 8/3/15

I always assume that Margo is terrible at all the aspirational creative service industry jobs she tackles — publicist, art gallery owner, etc. — but being a wedding planner seems like the one that would be least up her alley. After all, weddings involve human affection, which is anathema to her. Just look at these panels! She makes a start at figuring out how she can help her parents finally establish the permanent partnership that has eluded them all their lives, but by panel two all she’s thinking is REVENGE REVENGE REVENGE

Funky Winkerbean, 8/3/15

Yes! Crazy Harry has brought an advanced piece of 21st century technology back to his high school days! The timestream’s going to be totally disrupted! The sadness-spiral Funkyverse we all know and loathe will never have existed.

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Apartment 3-G, 7/30/15

I’ve said nothing but mean things about Apartment 3-G for months now, so I’ll offer some tentative, half-assed praise today: I think Lu Ann and Tommie’s outfits are bizarrely charming? I mean, the glory days of their dumb makeover is long in the past and we’re going to be stuck with “cardigans or maybe suit jackets over turtlenecks” for the foreseeable future, but I like the colors! The bright, bold colors! It’s like a cult uniform, but with pizzazz, you know?

Blondie, 7/30/15

Yes, maybe not everyone is that interested in seeing a man eat the same meal over and over again. It may seem extreme that anyone would invent time-travel and risk a temporal paradox inside his own digestive system to do this, but consider the alternatives.

Mary Worth, 7/30/15

Ian seems rather desperate to convince his widowed boss to move into Charterstone for reasons we can only guess at, and will apparently stop at nothing to make this happen. Will a three-way with Toby seal the deal? He’s got a solid couple hours to talk her into it!

Judge Parker, 7/30/15

Now, probably you’re thinking, “Oh, Sam and Abbey bought this RV for a song, probably they’re about to make yet more undeserved and unneeded cash on the deal!” But the truth is they’ve already profited handily from securitizing their interest in the vehicle and selling RV-backed tranches to overseas investors. Honestly it’s going to be something of a pain in the ass to wind all those deals up when they unload the actual physical asset.

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HELLO EVERYBODY! Thank you all for being so well-behaved while your beloved Uncle Lumpy was here and in charge! I’m back from my journey and what did I find in the mail when I returned home but some FABULOUS MAGNETS from MAGNET-MEISTER MATT CROWE!

Those of you who have been patiently awaiting magnets (and possibly tote bags) since the spring fundraiser will be getting yours soon! They’ll be in the mail by the end of the week.

Anyway! Let’s get back to what we’re all here for: comics in which a shark is covered in bleeding open sores!

Mark Trail, 7/29/15

Ha ha, that last image is … something, right? Like, last we saw this shark, it just had some mild scarring, but now it’s just straight-up bleeding all over the place. Who knew nature could be so gross! I did, actually, which is why I never go outside if it all possible and shriek like a terrified child if some non-human lifeform manages to get into my house.

Apartment 3-G, 7/29/15

Oh, hey, don’t forget that before Greg was Margo’s boyfriend, he and Lu Ann went on a some dates and did some weird sex (?) stuff, which Margo claimed a little too loudly not to care about. Should we stoke those fires of jealousy for plot-engine purposes again, only much more confusingly, in keeping with Apartment 3-G 2015 style? Sure, why not!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/15

Yesterday, Past Lisa was finally on the verge of figuring out that Future Lisa is Dead Lisa, which means that today we’re cutting quickly over to … Past Les. Because remember, the most important thing about Lisa is that she died/will die, and the most important thing about her death is how it affected/will affect Les. Verb tenses get weird when time travel is involved, but some things are eternal.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/15

“Try not to make noise. The Skinner Box experiment is reaching day five, and while all of Trixie’s material needs have been met, we don’t want her knowing that other human beings exist outside her enclosure. It will mess up the data.”

Marvin, 7/29/15

Speaking of babies who should be placed into isolation chambers, Marvin is visiting a farm, I guess? Ha ha, the joke is that Marvin is like a disgusting, filthy animal! Sometimes I think this strip hates its title character almost as much as I do.