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Apartment 3-G, 8/25/12

Dude, loosen the grip: Margo isn’t leaving, you are. Or maybe not! Ever the professional, Margo tells Cooper, “I will gladly break a prior commitment to avoid spending any more time with you than absolutely necessary. But no need for thanks — that’s just the kind of service my clients have come to expect from me, even though it’s my first day in this business!”

Dick Tracy, 8/25/12

You know, I don’t think I’d eat at a sushi joint at the back of an aquarium, especially if it had really low prices. But of course Phishface is a cannibal, not an epicure: he dines to assimilate the strength of vanquished foes, so taste and freshness aren’t deal-breakers. This adventure can end only in the gruesome hook-related death of Phishface, or a grand feast of bland, stale toreshimaki.

Also, whales are fish. Told you so.

Beetle Bailey, 8/25/12

Oh, look — more golf crap!

The Lockhorns, 8/25/12

You know, for somebody who routinely gets rowdy drunk, monopolizes the hottest chicks, and picks fights, Leroy Lockhorn still gets invited to a lot of parties.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 8/23/12

Hey, sometimes Apartment 3-G plots get a little leisurely, but leave it to Margo to pick up the pace:

Edge City, 8/23/12

Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin hires a babysitter sight unseen to free her kids from the curse of unstructured time during the last days of their summer. Emily shows up bearing a full complement of Rebel Grrl signifiers and a new drivers license. Abby, too embarrassed to admit second thoughts, leaves Colin and Carly in her care. Hilarious hijinx ensue, but no one is hurt, and everyone Learns a Valuable Lesson. Forward two weeks. Obsessive neurotic Abby Ardin ….

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 8/23/12

Sheriff Tait interprets “T’ain’t no big thing” as a confession to misdemeanor theft.

Gil Thorp, 8/23/12

Hey, it wouldn’t be summer without incomprehensible sports action in Gil Thorp! This tournament is match play, which counts holes won or tied instead of total strokes for 18 holes. Steve is playing with a 25 handicap, which means he cuts one stroke off his score on every hole, plus a second stroke on the seven most difficult holes. A “net birdie” means he shot par on a difficult hole or birdied a standard hole.

But hey waitaminute. Steve wanted to play in this tournament expressly to trash-talk an opponent. Yet all we’ve seen out of Steve and twosome partner Pat Laske so far is Judge Parker-level politesse and manlove, unless Steve thinks congratulating an opponent on a three-inch putt is the epitome of smack. Frankly, if we don’t see a huge explosion of PTSD-fueled fury by 18, it’s gonna be a big disappointment. Also: “PLOOK.” And isn’t that a lovingly-rendered golf cart?

Curtis, 8/23/12

Jay Leno and Arsenio Hall duke it out for King of Late Night. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door — oh, no — it’s Jimmy Fallon! PLAP!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Apartment 3-G, 8/20/12

Under the terms of a 2005 bar bet between Apartment 3-G writer Margaret Shulock and artist Frank Bolle, Bolle buys the drinks whenever Shulock traps him into drawing something or somebody new, and Shulock buys when Bolle slips the trap. Now comes Margo’s “breathtaking”, “gorgeous” new client Greg Cooper.

I hope Frank doesn’t have any early meetings tomorrow.

Pardon My Planet, 8/20/12

Oh, is that what those are?

Also, the guy is apparently texting “STD TGIF SOP”, which I think means he’s looking forward to contracting a venereal disease tonight like he does every Friday?

Pluggers, 8/20/12

The First Axiom, “pluggers are obese” is here revealed as inconsistent with the Second Axiom, “pluggers have no shame.” The Pluggers universe will now explode in a hail of lipids and self-hatred. Don’t stand too close.

— Uncle Lumpy