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Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 6/7/15

It is of course difficult to try to suss out real human emotions on the faces of the mangled potato-people of Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, but as near as I can tell visiting flatlander Barney Google starts out smug about all the ladies who want to sex him and then when he hears that maybe they’re more into his horse he seems … intrigued? Intrigued and aroused? Intrigued, aroused, and ready to put the phrase “pony play” into his namesake search engine? Anyway, this thought so horrified me that I had to go find terrible things happening to my least favorite comics characters in order to calm down:

Funky Winkerbean and Edge City, 6/7/15

Ahhhh, Les is literally the worst reunion planner imaginable and Len has been rejected by his children, who don’t love him the way other parents’ children do. Ahhhh. That’s the stuff.

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Six Chix, 5/22/15

So, wait … is the turtle on the right a “drama queen” because it pulled its head into its shell for protection as inky black bird feces rained down from above? Or is the turtle on the left just the type to blame others for whatever misfortune befalls them? I genuinely will be puzzling over the meaning of this bizarre, grotesque cartoon all weekend, thanks a lot.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/22/15

Oh, man, Lukey’s crumpled face in panel two kind of kills me. “He’s right! I’m a flawed and fundamentally unlovable person, and soon everyone’s going to know the truth about how bad I am!”

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Gil Thorp, 5/21/15

Oh, hey, what’s going in baseball season in Gil Thorp? Well, it seems that football superstar/baseball dilettante True Standish was goofing around during a Mudlark loss, because football is a serious sport for real men and baseball is silly game you play when it’s nice out so why bother taking it seriously, enraging actual baseball player Max Ortiz. This is an interesting variation on the typical Gil Thorp storyline, which usually involves players all too intensely dedicated to their sport of choice, but at least we have one comforting narrative element to grasp on to: Coaches Thorp and Kaz remaining roughly twenty feet away from any brewing conflict and deciding to “let the guys police themselves.”

Family Circus, 5/21/15

Ma Keane’s biggest dream was that her kids might become slightly less moronically literal-minded once they learned to read. Today, that hope has been tragically dashed.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 5/21/15

Aww, how romantic! Grampy and Granny are going to spend their anniversary shitting!