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Beetle Bailey, 5/5/09

“Hmm, Zero has been well-established over years and years of strips as being our ‘fool’ character, and, for those lucky few people who might be reading this and yet not be familiar with the cast of Beetle Bailey, he’s also been given the buck teeth and receding chin of a stereotypical cartoon moron. But what if that isn’t enough to force people to get the joke? Our only hope: typography!”

In unrelated news, the U.S. military is apparently testing its latest terrifying death machines on human subjects.

Pluggers, 5/5/09

The sad part is that in the absence of a digital converter box, Chicken Lady will soon be getting nothing but static. Maybe she’s been getting that all along, and it’s only now that she got new glasses that she realizes it.

Family Circus, 5/5/09

With virtually everything broadcast on TV forbidden in the Keane Kompound as “sinful,” the kids’ standards for entertainment are remarkably low.

Dennis the Menace, 5/5/09

As he promised yesterday, Mr. Wilson has “lost” his pants just in time for Dennis to come over.

Marmaduke, 5/5/09

Marmaduke is a whore.

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Pluggers, 4/30/09

Look, I of all people know that it can be hard to spin straw into comedy gold day after day, whether that straw be vaguely homoerotic hijinks in Rex Morgan, M.D., or whatever sort of poorly spelled suggestions the Chief Plugger gets via the AOL. Still, I feel like I need to hold this feature to some sort of basic standards. An installment of Pluggers should contain some kind of play on words, or a little conceptual twist, or something; it should not just be a statement of fact. It is true that individuals who fall into the squishily defined “plugger” category are probably more likely to connect to the Internet via dialup modem than the population at large, but that isn’t funny or interesting, even taking this feature’s extremely low bar for “funny or interesting” into account.

Two potential “Pluggers still use dialup” gags that would have been better:

• “Pluggers still use dialup.” Exact same art that you see here, except that the she-junior-plugger is saying “It’s your dad. He’s calling to say he got your email.” See, instead of replying via email, he’s dialing his son! Get it?
• “Pluggers still use dialup.” We see junior-dog-man-plugger’s dad on the other end of the line, sticking his tongue out as he puts his fingers in the holes of an old-fashioned (wait for it) telephone dial! See, he’s dialing the phone, like they did in the old days! Of course, the old plugger is irritating and tedious, so nobody particularly wants to talk to him; he’s probably just dialing the time and temperature number or something (oh, yes, they still exist).

Beetle Bailey, 4/30/09

Sarge refuses to acknowledge his relationship with Beetle, so in revenge the private is just going to blow as many dudes as possible.

Marmaduke, 4/30/09

Actually, Marmaduke knows exactly what he’s doing, as today’s banner headline was “MONSTROUS DOG DEVOURS EIGHT.”

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Oh, look, it’s Earth Day, and once again many comics are awkwardly leaping on the environmental bandwagon! Let’s check out the oddest strips:

Beetle Bailey, 4/22/09

Ha ha, it’s funny because “earth” can mean the planet or dirt, and also because Zero is stupid! Of course, this is infinitely preferable to another tree-fucking strip.

Phantom, 4/22/09

You might think it’s kind of weird that Mrs. The Phantom has a special Earth Day briefcase that she just happens to have prominently displayed on the day that she will parachute onto a cargo ship bearing her family and a bunch of lizard men. (If you’re not following this strip, she’s doing this to keep the ship’s sexy lady captain from putting the moves on her spandex-clad husband, FYI.) But since she works for the UN, and the whole environmental movement is just a cover for the brewing one-world-government conspiracy, it all makes perfect sense that she’d be required by her job to tote propaganda around with her at all times.

Spider-Man, 4/22/09

You have to hand it to Spider-Man (the comic strip) for constantly working on new and innovative ways of making Spider-Man (the character) completely unlikeable. The buffoonish, semi-competent Electro has been given one, and only one, redeeming characteristic: his sincere love for his son. So naturally Spider-Man is using this fatherly affection to entrap him, keeping it foregrounded in the story and making Electro seem more sympathetic; as if realizing that this is the case, Spidey apparently has decided to just go all out with the dickery and make some cheesy joke about Earth Day while the villain desperately tries to break free to find his injured child. Naturally, Spider-Man cares not a whit for the environment: to generate all the electricity that his unceasing television-viewing requires, whole West Virginia mountains must be leveled to extract the precious coal within.

Curtis, Marvin, and Dennis the Menace, 4/22/09

Meanwhile, these three strips are here to show us the true meaning of Earth Day, which is that children of all races are filthy, disgusting monsters.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/22/09

Speaking of filthy and disgusting, in non-Earth Day news, today’s Funky Winkerbean features one character telling another about vomiting, and, as a “punchline,” the second character recoils in disgust. Funky Winkerbean, ladies and gentlemen!

Family Circus, 4/22/09

Yup, she sure is making life grand! By sitting there in the living room, quietly reading the newspaper. While the kids gather in the doorway, watching her, enraptured. Seriously, this family creeps me out so God-damned much.