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Beetle Bailey, 1/3/20

My favorite person in this little scene is the pizza delivery guy, walking out the door of the barracks with his face utterly without emotional affect. He’s seen how these things go down, how too many families and communities see the sudden arrival of pizza as a panacea, a quick fix to conflict and emotional struggle, only to be quickly disappointed when the true underlying issues aren’t addressed. He’s not interested in sticking around to watch it all play out. He’s got a lot more pizzas to deliver tonight.

Hi and Lois, 1/3/20

The scene: Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC’s writers’ room. The goal: Defeating Marvin, the comic strip about a perpetually shitting baby that is wildly, unaccountably popular. It is very late. The clock is ticking. Tomorrow’s deadline is near. Finally, from the back of the room comes a quiet, hesitant voice: “Vomit?”

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Today is Christmas Eve, and as Christians prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, we need to ask our selves: which comic has blasphemed the most heinously today?

Beetle Bailey, 12/24/19

Is it Beetle Bailey, which posits that every being in the universe, every soul, is encompassed by God’s love … except for one person, who, for reasons nobody can explain, remains forever out of reach of His redemptive grace?

Family Circus, 12/24/19

Is it Family Circus, where the two younger Keane Lads seem to believe that if they dress like Jesus, they can be like Jesus, and also think they’re not allowed to say his name, like he’s Voldemort or something?

Mary Worth, 12/24/19

Ha ha, trick question! The answer is today’s Mary Worth, where Estelle seems prepared to take Wilbur back and even says “I look forward to seeing you!”, a scenario incompatible with the existence of a loving God. Anyway, I need to step away from the site for a few days in the face of this horror, and also to travel for Hanuchrwaanza and such. See you sometime in the first few days of the ’20s, kids! Expect another year (dare I say, decade?) of the same business on this site, which is to say hilarious jokes about Mary Worth and stuff. I love you all!

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Beetle Bailey, 11/28/19

It’s Thanksgiving in the United States, everyone! What are you thankful for? I had a whole bunch of bullshit about my family and friends lined up until I read today’s Beetle Bailey, but now I’m most thankful for the fact that I don’t live and work someplace where hungry packs of semi-feral dogs roam freely.

Dennis the Menace, 11/28/19

You have to admit that it’s pretty menacing to cheerfully point out that looking at the faces of the animals we’re about eat would make us uncomfortable and that’s 100% the reason why we don’t actually do it.

Rhymes With Orange, 11/28/19

Still not as menacing as imagining that not only do the turkeys we eat today have souls, but that those souls are being escorted to hell, right now as we’re digesting in front of the football game.

Dick Tracy, 11/28/19

Wow, I had sort of imagined Proof as a hard-hitting publication that took on corruption at the highest levels of our society, but apparently they paid for an undercover story on … carny crime? “Purse-snatching crows, huh? That sounds familiar,” says Dick, smiling slightly as he remembers the time he killed every single crow in Neo-Chicago.