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Dick Tracy, 1/15/19

I’m not sure who asked for a Dick Tracy storyline about the little foibles that arise when you’re an old man who knocks up a much younger woman who’s filming a documentary about you, but whatever, they are going for it. Today’s installment, “So You Were Briefly Jealous Of Someone You Thought Was A Sexual Rival But She’s Actually His Goddaughter,” is unsettling par for the course.

Six Chix, 1/15/19

I’ve tried pronouncing “robo-twheat” every way I can think of — does it rhyme with “sweat”? does it rhyme with “sweet”? OK, I guess I can really only think of those two ways — and neither makes sense. Is it robot wheat? That’s the grey stuff outside the window? Robot wheat? Why would you not pay attention to robot wheat? I think if robot wheat suddenly grew (or began functioning, or whatever the hell it is robot wheat does) right outside my window, I’d feel like I should maybe pay attention to it.

Mary Worth, 1/15/19

Oh hell yes, Jannie’s swift heel turn is really doing it for me! Is she vaping? Just leaning sexily against the wall and vaping, driving all the boys wild? I cannot wait for her to meet Mary and get an earful about the addictive qualities of e-juice.

Gil Thorp, 1/15/19

AHHH YES MARTY MOON-B/ROBBY HOWRY SUPERSTAR ANTI-GIL TEAMUP, I AM EXTREMELY EXCITED

Beetle Bailey, 1/15/19

We all knew that, of course, one day the long-running comic strip Beetle Bailey would come to an end, and we probably all knew that there would be a fairly spectacular final strip, but I don’t think any of us guessed that it would involve the main character being killed and eaten by an enormous bird.

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Gasoline Alley, 1/4/19

One of the slow-burn running gags (“gags”) in Gasoline Alley is that Rufus, who I would describe as a “comically moronic rustic,” is in love with Mayor Melba, who is also his boss. It’s funny because he’s a comical moron, and she’s the mayor! Except today we learn that Melba herself is not terribly bright, or at least has some fairly specific deficits when it comes to language processing. So she and Rufus can be together after all! Hooray! This is great news for all those Melbus shippers Ruba stans people out there who are rooting for Rufus and Melba to get together, a constituency I have faith actually exists,

Mary Worth, 1/4/19

“But I am worried, Mary! Worried that I’m going to have to develop feelings for him! Is this what it’s come to? That I can’t just be married to Ian, but I have to like him, too?”

Beetle Bailey, 1/4/19

Who could forget the classic 1997 film Air Bud, with its hilarious and memorable catchphrase, “Ain’t no rules says a dog can’t play basketball!” Well, what if, in the subsequent scenes, the characters discovered that while technically there isn’t a specific rule preventing dogs from playing basketball or other organized sports, there are a whole host of rules — about minimum ages, regulation uniforms, ball-handling techniques, and the like — that dogs by their very nature are incapable of satisfying? Wouldn’t that be … even funnier? Probably, says Beetle Bailey!

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Mark Trail, 12/16/18

Mark Trail Nature Sundays ought by right to be about animals, or maybe plants, or in a pinch, fungi. I am not thrilled with a whole installment that’s about an essentially geological phenomenon, and even less thrilled by the fact that they won’t even show it to us. Are we supposed to be satisfied with Mark locking eyes with us and saying “jacuzzi of despair” with a very serious facial expression while Cherry ever-so-subtly arches her back to lift her bikini’d bosom towards the orange, glowing sky? Because I’m not satisfied, OK? The god-damned boat in the first panel never even explodes! This is a sub-optimal Sunday!

Panels from Beetle Bailey, 12/16/18

I’m … pretty sure that Beetle is clinically depressed, guys.