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Judge Parker, 3/20/10

“You should get a reward for this!” exclaims Judge Randy, waving a wad of cash left by some plaintiff’s attorney. “I mean, everybody gets rewards . . . like, for everything, all the time — don’t they? I sure do! Rewards are cool! You like my new watch? It was a reward! April, too — very rewarding! Hey, walk to my car with me . . . I bet there’s a twenty in it for ya!”

Between Friends, 3/20/10

Better health begins with “Shut the hell up!” Take that first step today!

Apartment 3-G, 3/20/10

“Why am I going home to an empty apartment? Lu Ann is there!”

Momma, 3/20/10

Sonja’s husband died of natural causes, yet no one will believe it wasn’t suicide.

Blondie, 3/20/10

It was wild, wasn’t it? But it’s spring now — enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Judge Parker, 4/11/09

OK, I get that “Rocky Ledge” is a stage name, like Dixie Julep for Kathleen Patterson — but c’mon: “Godiva Danube”? If that’s a work alias, it’s gonna limit her professional options — just ask L’Oréal MacDowell or Lancome Rosellini.

On the other hand, if she was born with a name like that, I bet her Hauptschule nightmares make Sophie’s troubles look like ein gehen in den garten.

But hey, why speculate when you can generate your very own Judge Parker name right here! Choose a chiseled, craggy man-handle straight out of the American West, or an Old World nom d’une femme with just the slightest bouffée of elegant dissipation — we don’t judge! Then add your own title (“Sheriff”, “Vicomtesse”) and you’re good to go!

Your new Judge Parker name:

Funky Winkerbean, 4/11/09

“Susan Smith” (no, not that one) may be a commonplace name, but this gal is more than another mopey walk-on. Nope, she’s the ur-victim of Funky Winkerbean, its Dark Eve — wellspring of the miseries that rise like the cholera from every sewer in Westview. It was her incomprehensible crush on Les that launched the “Summer of Les ‘n’ Lisa” (1994) — until quite recently the most annoying European adventure in comics history. Since then, she’s endured a suicide attempt (1995), a dating abuse cycle o’ violence (1998), gross underemployment, and a divorce (2008), only to face her greatest challenge: feigning interest in Les’s 900-page opus, My Wife Was Nice But Then She Died. She comes out — well, not smiling, of course — but upright, breathing, and back for more. Tough dame!

What the hell is wrong with these people? — a new occasional feature!

Between Friends, 4/6/09 — 4/10/09

What the hell is wrong with this woman?

I’m sitting in for Josh through the 19th — if you have any problems with the site or non-public questions, you can reach me at uncle.lumpy@yahoo.com. If you need to reach Josh directly, it’s jfruh@jfruh.com and probably a bit of a wait. Enjoy!

— Uncle Lumpy