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Pluggers, 3/4/18

A plugger knows he’s on a restricted diet when his dog’s food starts to look appetizing, when he looks at his dog’s food and thinks, “This is how I’m supposed to eat, not with a fork and knife, not off of a plate, not wearing clothes, not living in a house.” A plugger knows the restrictions come from a decision he made long ago, when he had to choose to remain as he was or to become something different, something that was supposed to be better. A plugger doesn’t think about that decision very much any more. But sometimes he can’t help it.

Blondie, 3/4/18

Today’s Blondie, in which two icons of 20th century American pop-culture masculinity aggressively urge the protagonist to stuff himself with food until he can’t eat another bite, gives me a horrifying glimpse of who this strip is actually “for.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/4/18

Justin’s regurgatory cycle is the most interesting thing to happen in Rex Morgan, M.D., in months, so I guess I’ll just settle in and enjoy it for as long as it keeps happening. Can’t wait to see all the variations! “That’s our Justin!” [audience laughter] [everyone is splattered with vomit]

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Blondie, 2/15/18

“Never have Olympic events tasted so good! That’s because Olympic events are abstract concepts. Sure, I could devour the equipment (dangerous) or the competitors (monstrous) — but how do you eat the idea of speed skating or hockey? Well, now I can, because my beloved wife has given them substance, in the form of, I guess, little cakes or whatever.” You know how the International Olympic Committee is super litigious and often tries to prevent unaffiliated companies and organizations from infringing on their trademarks, even sometimes extending to the word “Olympics”? Usually I think this is dumb, but I kind of wish they’d step in with Blondie this week, to stop the madness.

Dick Tracy, 2/15/18

Oh, ha ha, it’s called “Pepper’s” and the owner is named “Ghost,” like ghost pepper, ha ha, and also he’s a terrifying eyeless chalk-fleshed nightmare? Anyway, there are two ways this could go: Either this demon is going to murder Simon in some unspeakable way and walk away with his money, or he’s going to explain that Simon’s suitcase full of cash won’t buy Pepper’s but does represent the franchise fee necessary to license the Pepper’s brand and menu so he can open his own Pepper’s, an arrangement where everybody wins, especially the customer, who now has a variety of Pepper’s locations to choose from!

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Blondie, 2/9/18

There has, of course, been a lot of political drama on the Korean peninsula of late, but tensions lifted a few notches this month when the two Korean states came to a deal over North Korea’s participation in the Olympics — they’re even going to field a unified ice hockey team! But it appears all this goodwill was just a smokescreen to allow North Korean agents to infiltrate the opening ceremony and briefly delay the lighting of the opening flame, which in turn served as a post-hypnotic trigger for their agent living under deep cover in the United States. The first step in the spy’s carefully programmed operational sequence: prepare himself a hearty meal. He’ll need the energy for the carnage ahead.

Judge Parker, 2/9/18

Wow, I have to say, back when April and her father were busy busting out of jail and trying to lure Judges Parker Junior and Senior into dangerous, whirlwind lives of fugitives from the law, I did not expect that just a few short weeks later Alan and Katherine would be irritating their fellow B&B guests with their transparent sexual satisfaction. So does this place cater specifically to old grumps and their much younger partners or what? I certainly hope the beds are easy to get in and out of!

Gil Thorp, 2/9/18

OH MY GOD, MARTY MOON’S GOING TO GET IN TROUBLE FOR BEING RACIST ON THE AIR

IT’S EVERYTHING I’VE EVER WANTED