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Arctic Circle, 2/14/24

Arctic Circle is usually a strip about climate change and other environmental issues, but on this special day of St. Valentine, it boldly poses the question: Could a human who is horny for penguins and a penguin horny for people find love, on an app? And could their hybrid children carry penguin DNA into a future in which the ice caps have all melted and full-blooded penguins go extinct? Let’s carry this beautiful dream into 2024!

Blondie, 2/14/24

Sorry, I know this is supposed to be “cute” but all I can experience is utter revulsion at what the consistency of that steak sauce must be in order for it to hold its shape like that. It’s like fucking toothpaste, the nastiest toothpaste you’ve ever seen. I know Dagwood’s appetites are born in the darkest nightmares of our subconscious, but this is too much even this strip.

Mary Worth, 2/14/24

Most of today’s strips were supposed to be “fun” “romantic” Valentine’s Day strips, and Arctic Circle and Blondie were honestly the best of the lot. (Not one but two strips did jokes about male praying mantises dipping their heads in chocolate so their lovers would enjoy eating them, after sex.) But only Mary Worth dares to look at the dark side of romance on this day, and tells us that sometimes you think a girl is your long-lost daughter and so you rekindle your sexual relationship with her mom but then you find out the kid isn’t yours and so you gradually start fading out and eventually ghost her. That’s why this strip is #1! Read and learn, losers!

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Hi and Lois, 2/9/24

I have not been on the “dating scene” since I met my wife-to-be back in 2002, but I try to keep abreast of the discourse and the lingo and I’m pretty sure that “ghosting” someone means that you simply cut off contact with them without telling them why. You do not need to begin the process by sending ghost emojis. Maybe I’m wrong, but if I’m in a battle of with-it-ness with Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC, well, let’s just say I like my odds.

Blondie, 2/9/24

Hey, fun fact, did you know that Dagwoods reproduce asexually? True story, a Dagwood will bud an identical genetic clone who, upon reaching maturity, will kill and eat his father/original. This is not really relevant to this specific strip, but you can really see here that the younger Dagwood’s growth process is almost complete and that the elder Dagwood’s Time is almost upon him. Kelly is correct to steer clear!

Dennis the Menace, 2/9/24

“Anyway, where do you think our parents are? It’s been weeks!”

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Blondie, 2/4/24

I am of course more than happy to call Blondie wildly out of touch, culturally. But I gotta say, I trust this strip implicitly when it comes to the weird, terrible little games that old people play on Facebook that I only know about from their truly off-putting ads and that I assume somehow put recurring charges on your credit card that are very, very difficult to stop. To me, strips like today’s contain valuable ethnographical information and I am grateful for it.

Mark Trail, 2/4/24

OK, two questions here. One: why are we calling the shots we are giving to the horses a “fertility-control vaccine” instead of a “contraceptive shot”? We already have a perfectly good word in English for a medical intervention that prevents pregnancy, and it’s “contraceptive”! Two: why are they giving two-year doses of contraceptives fertility-control vaccines to, presumably, the female horses, when it’d probably be just as easy if not easier to permanently sterilize the male ones? Is this a plot by Big Horse Roundup to get easy government contracts every two years? FOLLOW THE MONEY, PEOPLE