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Mary Worth, 9/8/26

Wow, I’m glad to see that there are still sensible people living in Charterstone! “So what?” is exactly the appropriate response to someone telling you that two people who you vaguely know were sitting in a parked car. I don’t know how to tell you this, Nelly, but this is America, and as a person who gets around on foot and by bike more than the average American, I can tell you that this country is just littered with people sitting in parked cars. What are they doing in there? Listening to podcasts? Crying? Dicking around on their phones? Cheating on their spouses? Getting ready to pull out into traffic or open their door with no warning just as I’m trying to get past them? I don’t know and (except in that last scenario) it’s none of my business. Nelly was a safe distance away when she spotted the specific instance of car-sitting under discussion, so this is definitely a “So what?” situation if I’ve ever seen one.

Gil Thorp, 9/8/26

The Milford tryout numbers are strong this year, but Gil wants to establish that the Mudlarks will lead the Valley Conference in quality as well as quantity. You will not be able to overtake them in terms of players with names that make them sound like characters in vaudeville bits. Does Goshen have a Borys Orlov? Well, Milford has an Adrian Blatz. Of the Métis Winnipeg Blatzes. You might have heard of them.

Blondie, 9/8/26

Oh, no, Blondie! You were so close to correctly incorporating young people’s love of short-form video content into your model of how the world works! But you made the crucial mistake of using the term “vlogging,” which I’m not sure the kids say anymore, and anyway it led you down the path to today, doing a strip where Cookie is blogging, something I’m definitely sure the kids today are not saying or doing anymore. Blogging is an old man’s game now, trust me on this.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/8/26

“Oh, Josh, I think you were overstating things about that guy’s head-lump yesterday, I’m sure if we saw it from a different angle we’d–” You fool. You idiot. You ABSOLUTE SIMPLETON

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Shoe, 8/7/26

I guess Skyler passive-aggressively hinted that it would be nice if he and his uncle/guardian ate together once in a while, so the Perfesser has decided to passive-aggressively book dinner for the two of them at a restaurant where they won’t be allowed to talk to each other.

Blondie, 8/7/26

“I’m so glad I grew up in the offline generation … and also don’t know any kids and haven’t given really any thought at all about the practicalities of what going to school in the modern age might be like.”

Mary Worth, 8/7/26

Damn, can you imagine what a bummer it would be if you had the chance to enjoy the amazing high that only methamphetamines can deliver, but you somehow end up in this scenario instead?

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Blondie, 7/18/26

Blondie likes to make extremely on-the-nose jokes about obscure holidays. But they usually show up on the day itself, and National Ice Cream Day falls on a Sunday, of course. Maybe part of the joke is that Dagwood just can’t wait? I mean, look at the way he’s eyeing his wife’s dessert before he’s even finished his own.

Between Friends, 7/18/26

Big news in Between Friends: Maeve is getting married! Again! To her cheating, lying, emotionally manipulative, marginally employed snake of an ex-husband! If second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience, second marriage to this guy is how experience gets its revenge.

Heathcliff, 7/18/26

By car, scooter, elephant, cannon, or [squints] fish-guided bubblegum balloon—a cat’s gotta travel. Bro, man. Bro indeed.

Luann, 7/18/26

After months of agonizing “trying,” Toni Daytona-DeGroot is at last pregnant. “Thank God,” she exclaims, “I can finally stop having sex with Brad.”

Hey there! I’m filling in for Josh through Sunday the 26^th. Reach me at uncle.lumpy@comcast.net if you have any trouble with the site, your subscription, emails, or Patreon. Enjoy!

—Uncle Lumpy