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Blondie, 6/3/21

THING I LIKE ABOUT TODAY’S BLONDIE: The little anthropomorphic power-lifting mascot for Power Burger, holding aloft a barbell with hamburgers for weights! It’s simultaneously pretty cute and a little menacing, which is exactly the sweet spot you want for this.

THING I DISLIKE ABOUT TODAY’S BLONDIE: The fact Dagwood and Herb are just chowing down on their power burgers right there in the front seat of the car. Are there no tables inside Power Burger where they could enjoy their meal? Are there no parks or public spaces in their bleak exurb where they could enjoy a burger outside in the nice weather? Can they not even go home to eat? Are they ashamed?

Six Chix, 6/3/21

Hmm, I’m guessing this strip is taking the reasonable position that single-use plastics are, on the whole, bad for the environment and we should try to phase out their use. But if that was the aim, maybe they shouldn’t have made the single-use plastics look like a bunch of cool party guys, whereas the ecologically virtuous containers are a bunch of sourpusses? Just putting that out there!

Mary Worth, 6/3/21

Remember, folks, there are two different kinds of absent fathers in the world: fathers who are absent because they’re off doing virtuous things, like doctoring, in which case you’ll turn out fine, more or less, and fathers who are absent because they’re criminals, in which case you too will grow up to be a criminal. Sorry, criminality runs in your blood, I don’t make the rules!

What I do make, however, is requests to turn your attention to faithful reader Wander’s beloved Mary Worth and Me blog, where he and his wife have recreated Ashlee’s stunning photo shoot. If you’d like to be one of the “cool kids,” I request you do the same and send me the pics!

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Crankshaft, 5/31/21

So Crankshaft has spent the last month dwelling on the Valentine Theater and how the COVID-19 pandemic hasn’t done it any favors, financially, and because this is the Funkyverse, where not just people die but dreams as well, there’s not going to be some magical It’s A Wonderful Life ending where everyone chips in and the theater is saved. Nope, it’s going out of business! And apparently Max and Mindy live there too, oops, maybe in like an apartment upstairs but also maybe they and their baby just sleep in the seats at night and eat popcorn for dinner. A thing that occurs to me about this is that when there was the big Funkyverse LA-burns-to-the-ground crossover event in Funky Winkerbean last summer, one of the threads was that Max’s dad Jeff, ten years older than he is in Crankshaft, was obsessed with finding shooting locations from his favorite silent movie The Phantom Empire, aka Radio Ranch, and you’d think at some point during that whole drama he’d have had time to reflect about how his son’s movie theater had gone out of business a decade earlier, possibly because it apparently showed nothing but that movie all the time, who can say. Anyway, I appreciate that Max’s final act as owner of the movie theater aims to directly spite the neighborhood that quite frankly did not support his business enough for it to survive.

Beetle Bailey, 5/31/21

Speaking of our honored dead, it’s Memorial Day, when America mourns those who died while serving in the military. Today’s Beetle Bailey is here to remind you that this holiday does not just recognize those who were killed in combat. It also honors those who gave their lives to help along their commanding officers’ golf game. Maybe somebody should’ve thought this through? Maybe?

Blondie, 5/31/21

OK, look, I’ve come to accept that Dagwood has a real twisted thing with his boss where they obviously hate each other but also have a parasocial relationship and sometimes hang out outside of work, and in the course of that sometimes their long suffering wives are dragged along to make a double date out of it. But I refuse go along with the idea that somehow this makes Cora Dithers and Blondie friends! Refuse, do you hear me? There’s absolutely nothing about this joke that wouldn’t have worked with Tootsie! This was unnecessary and inappropriate and I resist it!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/21

“Also, I mean, have you talked to her? It’s probably pretty boring.”

Six Chix, 5/31/21

Ahh, wouldn’t it be cute to imagine that various dried pasta types are like a family, and they grew up together back at the factory, and they’re having a big reunion on your kitchen counter, right … before you …

oh no

oh no

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Blondie, 5/24/21

Ha ha, the kids today! Always getting on the online and becoming millionaires! It’s almost unfair! Used to be you could get rich doing a syndicated newspaper comic strip and making people laugh all over the country! But not anymore! Now you gotta show your naked ass on SnapFans if you want anyone to take you seriously! Is that what you want, America? You want to see the naked ass of the creator of a syndicated newspaper comic strip? Because we’ll do it! We’ll show that ass! And then you can go to hell! You can go straight to hell! Fuckin’ teenagers!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/24/21

“Wow, a man so beloved that he no longer has to deal with his well-wishers as individuals, but can rather bathe in their adulation in the aggregate while his assistants take on the grunt work of actually interacting with other humans? Must be nice. Must be real nice.”